Welcome to the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, the weekly column that entertains almost 40 people with our as-pessimistic-as-possible recap of somebody else’s recap of a show we aren’t watching. On this week’s episode, HELL IN A CELL approaches, so we do some tag team matches and a slightly different version of whatever we saw on Raw.
Here’s what happens on this week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. Roman Reigns defeated Bo Dallas. I imagine this was a lot like a tree falling on a cat. A cat with a weird stomach. After the match, they gave the Roman Reigns promo the ol’ college try.
2. King Barrett and Sheamus defeated Cesaro and Neville. If you saw the Raw match, you know what goes down. The Smackdown version gets to be longer and better, but with the same finish. Sheamus distracted the referee, allowing Barrett to hit the Bull Hammer on Cesaro. Cesaro’s epic winning streak comes to an end. Kidding.
3. Kevin Owens defeated Zack Ryder. Three Smackdown matches, three former NXT Champions. Hey, at least one of them got to win!
4. Dolph Ziggler defeated Rusev. Summer Rae was the special guest referee, which absolutely makes sense. We’ve officially entered that Fandango breakup angle where Fandango did something bad to Summer, so she repeatedly interfered and attacked him for like three-straight months. That’s WWE’s understanding of how comeuppance works. If somebody’s bad or rude to you once, you get to be awful to them forever and it’s morally correct. Summer attacks Rusev, allowing babyface (question mark) Ziggler to win. After the match, Summer tries to hook up with Dolph, and he treats her like Mark treats Lisa at the end of The Room.
5. Braun Strowman and Luke Harper defeated The Prime Time Players. The crystal on Titus O’Neil’s palm began to flash, so now he must go to Carrousel.
6. Charlotte defeated Alicia Fox. After the match, Team Bella beat up Charlotte and Becky Lynch until Paige made the save. ♫ Nothing really matters ♫
7. The Dudley Boyz and Dean Ambrose defeated The New Day. Don’t worry, though, The New Day got to stand tall after a trombone attack. Wrestling!
