Welcome to the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoiler Report. Every week we read Smackdown spoilers on a copy-paste wrestling newz site, translate it into English and jump to a bunch of pissy, smarky conclusions about it. The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers column is one of the most popular wrestling features on the Internet, reaching almost 15 people.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are real Smackdown spoilers)
1. Adam Rose defeated Fandango. Early in the match, Fandango and Adam Rose accidentally make eye contact. Something fires in their brains. “How did we get here?” they seem to ask with their bodies, arms limp at their sides, faces hung low. Fandango remembers being a little kid, watching Rick Rude and the Ultimate Warrior battle in these grand, good vs. evil battles as he happily clapped and played with his action figures. Adam Rose began to think back, too, to the days when he was a 16-year old working shows in South Africa. His 20-year anniversary as a pro wrestler is coming up soon. He can’t stop the bags from forming under his eyes. The backs of his hands are starting to crinkle like old paper. In the distance, a baby cries. Rose wins a short comedy match with the Party Foul.
2. Cesaro defeated Kofi Kingston. Remember when Kofi Kingston got a couple of surprise wins over Cesaro and Cesaro beat him to death outside the ring and they had kind of a hot angle going? Pepperidge Farm doesn’t even remember that.
WWE Smackdown Taping
1. Seth Rollins defeated Jack Swagger. I guess they’re trying to follow up on the Dean Ambrose injury by having Rollins curb stomp people on the outside and win by ref stoppage or count-out. That’s what happens here, with Big Hoss getting curb stomped on the ring apron and not being able to get back into the ring. After the match, Bo Dallas shows up and runs Swagger down because they’ve got to do that bit 4 more times before it “counts.”
2. Rusev defeated Sin Cara. Maybe 90 seconds? Oddly enough, Rusev’s ability to convincingly squash people isn’t as believable or entertaining as his ability to sell. He’s like Dolph Ziggler in the body of a big Bulgarian dude. If WWE continued to book him in competitive matches and showcase his talents, fans might start seeing him as someone they can invest their fandom in, and not as Kozlov 2.0 with an inevitable JERN CENA conclusion. WWE should book Sin Cara into a wheat thresher.
– Rob Van Dam cut a promo. LOL.
3. Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam was a No Contest. Rob Van Dam’s WWE Staycation is over, so Orton beats him up for five minutes to send him packing. I’m really hoping they had Kane reveal a bed of cinderblocks and let Orton do a backbreaker on it.
4. Natalya defeated Paige. Natalya wins when AJ Lee shows up and distracts Paige. You guys have no idea how hard my job is. Yeah, it’s sitting at home blogging about wrestling and ain’t exactly rocket science, but Jesus, I’m not a replicator. I can’t make something out of nothing. Let me put it to you this way: imagine you had to do a stand-up set where every joke was “why did the chicken cross the road/to get to the other side.” Imagine that you had to tell 30 variations of that joke. Now imagine that you went on a world tour. That’s my job. Asking people about the f*cking chicken and telling them about the other f*cking side.
5. Goldust and Stardust defeated Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. The big news of the match is that Luke Harper tore his shirt. Dude should show up on Raw dressed like the Great Muta. “Well, I kept putting off getting ring gear because that was my lucky shirt. But it got torn and I’ve been losing a lot lately, so … welp, here’s my glittery pants and samurai snake helmet, enjoy.”
6. Roman Reigns defeated The Miz. They hurried up and got to the finish so they could do important post-match stuff. That important post-match stuff was pointing at Roman Reigns and saying HE ALWAYS WINS, HE CAN NEVER BE HURT. He beats Miz in a minute, Orton shows up to attack him and Roman wins that, too. At WrestleMania 31, Roman and John Cena should have a match that’s just them locking in a Test of Strength five seconds in and holding it for 25 minutes.
… and that’s our show.
You can/should be back here on Saturday for a full Best and Worst of Smackdown writeup, or whatever, you can just read this and pretend like you know what’s going on. Anything important will be redone on Raw. Leave a comment about the Smackdown spoilers in our comments section below.