Welcome to the assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the column that jumps to conclusions about a spoilers report we didn’t write for a show we haven’t seen, so we don’t have to watch hours four and five of Raw. Sorry, “SmackDown.”
On this week’s show, all-new material.
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown
(Reminder: These are actual SmackDown spoilers)
– The show opened with Seth Rollins and Kane arguing. This is not a repeat of Raw. Kane announces Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose as the main event, and Roman Reigns shows up and wedges himself into a match with Kane. What if I told you that in 2015, all major storylines revolved around a bored, boring version of Kane in a pair of dress slacks?
1. Roman Reigns defeated Kane. Don’t worry, Reigns only won by count-out. Kane didn’t lose any of that red hot momentum he’d been building, and WWE’s smart enough to not have him taking pinfalls at this stage in his career. Gotta protect Kane!
2. Damien Sandow defeated Curtis Axel. Dirtbag Sandow defeated Axel by pinning him down, hocking a loogie and letting it almost hit Axel in the face before sucking it back in. Axel ran off to tell mom, who is thankfully no longer SmackDown General Manager.
3. Ryback defeated Luke Harper. After the match, Bray Wyatt attacked Ryback. This is not a repeat of Raw. This is totally new show and a new episode that moves all of WWE’s stories forward and is must-see television.
4. Nikki Bella defeated Cameron. Like Brie vs. Naomi, but with the talent flipped. Hopefully Cameron’s new character is a lovable fan favorite with a side-pony who hands out headbands and loves hugs.
5. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro defeated The New Day. The tag team champions lose by DQ, because holding a title belt in WWE means you’re actually a coward who doesn’t deserve to hold a title belt. WWE booking is a Groucho Marx joke about not wanting to be a part of any club that’d have you as a member.
6. Seth Rollins defeated Dean Ambrose. Rollins won with his new finish, which is a gentle embrace followed by a slow lying down. Edge’s old finish, basically. After the match, The Authority beat up Ambrose until Roman Reigns made the save. The spoilers end here, but this is SmackDown, so I assume it turned into a tag team match.