WWE SummerSlam 2014 is this Sunday, which means it’s time for the assumptive GO-HOME edition of the assumptive Smackdown Spoilers Report. If you’re new to the concept — and judging by the amount of readers this gets, you probably are — we read Smackdown Spoilers, jump to conclusions about them, get as snarky as we can and then totally forget to watch Smackdown. “Forget.”
If you’d like to know what happens on this week’s Smackdown, here you go.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(Reminder: these are real spoilers. How I feel about them is ALSO real.)
1. Fandango beat Big E. Get it, dark match. Because he’s a black guy who was briefly put into a new “Nation of Domination” stable and then immediately forgotten. The crowd was reportedly “really into” Big E, which explains why he’s losing dark matches to Fandango.
2. Adam Rose defeated Xavier Woods. Get it, dark match. Because he’s a black guy who was briefly put into a new “Nation of Domination” stable and then immediately forgotten. Rose won with the Party Foul and danced around while Woods either oversold or actually fell on his head and got hurt. Is there a Kofi Kingston dark match loss to Jack Swagger up next? I’m trying to think of the three whitest people on the WWE roster, and we’ve scratched off numbers 1 and 2.
WWE Smackdown Taping
– The show begins with MIZ TV. Roman Reigns was the guest and punched Miz in the face. In a followup segment, WWE made the roster line up single-file so Reigns could knock them down, pose over their helpless bodies and compare them to whatever weird interpretation of animal biology he can come up with off the top of his head.
1. Dean Ambrose defeated Cesaro. Cesaro’s Not Winning streak continues! The crowd chanted “this is awesome” during the match, so look for Cesaro to lose to a Party Foul next week and lie around in the ring clutching his head for ten minutes.
2. Dolph Ziggler defeated Titus O’Neil. Get it, a dark match, because … wait, sorry, the stable wasn’t around long enough for Titus to join it. Anyway, Titus < Heath Slater, so it makes sense that he wouldn't be able to beat Ziggler. I love the idea that Ziggler is the perfect middlepoint between the two members of Slater Gator.
3. Mark Henry defeated Luke Harper. Erick Rowan interfered for a DQ, which is the only finish any Wyatt Family match has. Big Show ran down (“ran”) to make the save, and the ghost of Teddy Long appeared on the stage to make this a TAG TEAM MATCH.
4. Big Show and Mark Henry defeated The Wyatt Family. Show and Henry won when the Wyatts interfered in their own match, drawing a double DQ. I’m kidding. Show and Henry won easily by hitting their finishers in SUPER UNSTOPPABLE MODE, which will be great until someone relatively strong or tall needs a push and they get fed to him to make a point. Backstage, the Usos started slapping their legs and jumping into walls.
5. Eva Marie defeated AJ Lee. Eva Marie won by count-out when Paige interfered and attacked AJ. Eva Marie now has two points. With one more victory she’ll be eligible for a shot at the Chikara Grand Championship.
6. Jack Swagger defeated Bo Dallas. WWE management saw Bo Dallas’ matches with R-Truth, went “OH MY GOD, WHY IS THIS PERSON STANDING NEXT TO R-TRUTH” and banished him to helpless losses land for eternity. Swagger wins quickly with the Patriot Lock, and they get to the important post-match staring and grimacing against Rusev. Bo Dallas may have thrown in with Mother Russia, and if he refers to it as the “Bo-viet Republic” I’ll marry him.
7. Roman Reigns defeated The Miz. Roman Reigns is John Cena wearing a Pocahontas wig and a bunch of self-tanner.
That’s the show!
Let us know what you think about what you assume you think about this week’s Smackdown in our comments section below.