Hey, friendos! We’ve finally arrived at the episode that had the best chance of making my head twist itself from my body and shoot itself into the sun. But I’m still here, and you’re doing this instead of watching the G1 Climax, so I guess we’ve gotta do this.
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This week on Impact: #ShitHappens
Worst: How many times are you going to make me avoid typing Monster Balls?
Brandon is currently on a flight to Maryland, and therefore can’t maintain his position as “guy I make write about Bram because AHHHHHHHHH.” He’s always like “hey girl, why do you hate Bram so much? It’s just Bram.” I think that’s pretty much it. He’s a shitty ex-NXT guy who is just Gunner with an accent who killed Cool Magnus and is stuck in this endless loop of attacking people of and with no real consequence. When people are horrible (see: kind of everyone), it sucks, but it’s something quantifiable. When people are really good at what they do (‘sup EC3), it’s a rare treat, and something worth getting excited over. When it falls in the middle, it’s Bram. He’s not running around shouting slurs at people and being super offensive while wrestling like super-doesn’t-give-a-shit Rob Van Dam, nor is he really very good at anything. He’s just…there. He came back to kill off Cool Magnus, and now…what? What’s the point? Nothing he’s doing right now has anything to do with what the entire roster seems to be invested in. MVP gave him a job, and would give him special matches whenever he wanted, but at no point has he been like OI MATE THEY DONE YOU DIRT LET’S GET BACK AT ‘EM GUVNUH. No, he’s still obsessed with having the same match with sad, schlumpy Abyss.
And while we’re at it, why are they still mad at each other? Magnus and Abyss broke up, but it didn’t mean anything because Abyss was just in it for the money/power, so why are we establishing things, ignoring them, and then just throwing trash cans at each other forever? Why is TNA’s modus operandi continually just establish things, ignore them, and then just throw trash cans at each other forever?
Best: There is nothing I don’t love about this screencap
The segment included such highlights as EC3 remembering whatever it is we’re calling Big Zeke in TNA, and also Rockstar Spud existing and being the best in the world at everything he’s doing in the background.
Worst: Big boy baby fights – let’s talk about ’em!
My favourite thing is watching a bunch of dudes stand around in a playpen calling each other big baby sissy ninnies. No, really.
(no, not really)
Worster Worst: But seriously guys, what are you doing
Bobby Roode wants a title shot. Okay, cool. MVP isn’t the boss anymore, so why isn’t he waiting for Kurt Angle to finish his afternoon nap to ask him for one? Instead, we get Bobby Roode trying to explain that MVP is a bad guy, while also saying that it’s cool that Lashley beat all of these guys, but they suck and Bobby Roode is the best and beating them means nothing. Then, after Austin Aries and Eric Young run in (those friends Roode thinks are super shitty), MVP says they should all jerk each other off while he goes to f-ck “these hoes.”
There’s no possible way anyone says this stuff out loud before they do it, right?
Worstest Worst: Oh, ew
Protip: If a woman has to be paid to be around you, you’re probably not as cool as you think you are.
Best: Oh thank god you’re here
I’ve given so many worsts, and I really do want to find something fun and positive, I swear. Sometimes that’s harder than you think when it comes to TNA. But thankfully EC3 is here, so I’m gonna give a best to his yellow gear because whoa, hey, look at it. And his gauntlets/kneepads/buttstuff are sparkly. I Bested it last week, but I feel like I should do it again now that you can see more than the bottom of his dick, y’know? And I mean really, how much more KILLER could an outfit BEE? Eh? Ehhhhhhhhh?
Worst: What do we want? Um…no, I don’t think that’s it…
So, the gist of the Best and Worst reports is that we intrepid writers here at With Spandex critically analyze the wrestling that is on television, and throw in one or two (or like a million) puns and dick jokes along the way. But sometimes, realistically, some things are so ridiculous all you can do is be like naw man, I can’t write 800 words about Al Snow, this shit is dumb. Because this is…pretty dumb. You’ve got poor Team Dixie trying their very best to make this a legitimate thing – EC3 is bleeding his own blood, Rhyno is making crazy eyes, Spud is…Spudding – all in anticipation of some big bad scary opponent that’s going to tip the scales in Team O-L-D’s favour, and out comes Al Snow. I’m sorry, was Brutus the Beefcake not available? Could you not find the patch of woods Shannon Moore’s probably passed out in right now? Or are they all at Marty Jannety’s house wondering why Al is taking so long to get pizza?
Best: A Best where Best is due
While watching a room full of people shake foam heads at a twenty year old oral sex joke is maybe the saddest thing I’ve seen on the show in a while, I have to give him kudos for being one of the only member of Team O-L-D to wrestle without a shirt.
What do we want? DDP Yoga, probably.
Worst: You’re going through a table! Nuh uh! YOU’RE going through a table!
Here, let me break down four months worth of this feud for you:
Worst: Uh oh!
I hope none of this adversely affects the Beautiful People’s friendship that’s based on nothing of real substance or consequence!
Best: SAVE US HMPFK
Worst: I have no idea what’s happening here
My cable cut out a few times during the recording, so I genuinely have no idea what’s happening in this segment. I can only assume James Storm is telling Sanada that sushi sucks, and he’s never been to Japan but he’s seen Mr. Baseball seven times and is it true that her dad would really get that offended about who pours the tea I mean I wouldn’t even drink that tea I’d be all HAVE A BEER PAPA-SAN SORRY NOT SORRY and then superkick that mothereffer right in the face.
In my mind James Storm is hella racist.
Worst: Why is no one distressed by this
Look, I’m not gonna tell Kurt Angle how to do his job, except I totally am. If you’ve got a guy with a history of violence, egregious disregard for the well-being of the company, and just general crumminess, maybe you should be slightly concerned that he’s just hanging out in the back by himself talking about how much he likes to make people bleed. Just a thought, Kurt.
Meeehhhh: Samoa Joe vs. Low Ki vs. Sanada
If two “veterans” hamfisting at each other in the middle of the ring while the new kid lies helpless on the ground beside them ins’t the most stirring depiction of TNA’s problems, then I’m at a loss.
Best: Dixie Carter. No, seriously.
Don’t worry, I’m gonna get to the Worsts in a moment. I mean, I really shouldn’t have to explain why any of these past four months have made this one of the worst moments in the history of a company who has a litany of boneheaded moments, but I will because that’s my job.
Dixie doesn’t really have a table leg to stand on (ehhhhhh??), but she’s still playing her part so well. Yelling at Zeke and Snitsky for being hasbeens, firing them, and then trying to fire the audience. I for-real choked on my lunch when she told a lady to pick up her purse and leave. She’s being a heel, and playing a panicked character whose end is in sight perfectly. She stumbled in the beginning, but once she hit her stride as the out of touch, entitled, spoiled mean lady boss like I always said she should be, she’s been damn near flawless. The problem, however, is that while her and Spud and EC3 have had these moments of being genuinely entertaining heels, they’re not the worst people in this whole debacle.
Worst: The real bad guys
Spud and the Carters have served the sole purpose of being those bad guys who deserves to get their comeuppance. The problem, as I have continually pointed out, is that they haven’t really done anything that bad. Bully Ray is a good guy. Bully Ray is the one who is gonna take these awful people out. But…again, why? What purpose does all of this serve? What did Spud ever do? His job? If he’s the personal assistant to someone, of course he’s going to side with them. If he’s friends with their nephew, of course he’s going to side with their nephew. Aside from one tiny misstep, the worst things Spud is guilty of are friendship and loyalty. And then there’s EC3. As I’ve pointed out before, his purpose is to be the entitled rich kid who gets places because of his presidential aunt, but what places did he go? Some shithole in the woods where Jeff Hardy lives when he gets mad? What belts has he held? What important position has he lorded over everyone? Did he suddenly become the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and hire this guy to go over every week? No, he didn’t, because then I would just be pile of heart-shaped confetti and swoons every week and we know for sure that does not happen. So why is this what “every fan wants?”
Dixie presents the easiest answer, because she’s been there the longest, and at some point or another she’s ticked everyone off. But why is this suddenly a thing? Why isn’t Bully Ray being like welp, okay boys, time to go put Jeff Jarrett in a woodchipper, but before that we’ve gotta stop off at the Bischoff homestead to put Eric and his family into comas? Why is MVP still just kinda hanging around? The wheel of power continually turns, and at some point everybody turns on everybody else. Kurt Angle has done awful things, but he’s a good guy boss now until someone flicks the switch on the back of his neck and he becomes mean angry bossman Kurt Angle. The best thing you can say about these shenanigans is that they told a story that had a beginning, a middle, and an end, but it’s so ass-backwards and convoluted that the story it’s telling makes no sense.
Bully Ray is the good guy. Bully Ray who has been violent and abusive towards women on a consistent basis, was going to kill Mr. Anderson’s wife and set his actual babies on actual fire, has been a terrible employee and tried to destroy the company with noxious motorcycle fumes and crummy friends, and was steadfast and immovable in the notion that he’s a bad bad man who dos bad bad things. So why are we all like oh, okay, cool, that lady trying to run a wrestling company is obviously the evil one?
The thing I’m not touching on in all of this is the gross, misogynistic stink all of this has to it. But Danielle, Mae Young went through a table! Yes. She did. And Bully Ray was a bad guy when he did it. But Danielle, why can’t a woman go through a table just like a man does? Are you against equality or something? Sure, if this was presented as a case of two equals in the ring hurting each other. Dixie is not a wrestler. We’ve been told that multiple times, and that is the constant reason given as to her ineptitude at running a wrestling show. Yes, Dixie has pushed Bully through a table, but at no point did she lift him up and slam him through one. At no point were they ever, ever presented on equal terms. Violence in intergender matches becomes problematic when the idea that a woman is inferior to their male opponent, and this is the same thing. Bully Ray has stalked her, threatened her, created instance after instance of fear and intimidation, and the worst thing Dixie has done in retaliation is defend herself, or act like she wasn’t scared of a dude who literally want to murder her to solve some imaginary problem that can’t actually be solved by this outcome. Did she get him fired when he really, desperately should be? No. She couldn’t even do that. So what does this display prove? That big bad Bully Ray can put someone’s mom through a table? That’s how you get over as a strong good guy babyface? That he can break someone’s neck and not go to jail?
Yeah, okay. Cool story, bro.
Worst: There will be NO Employee of the Month for August
One of the most frustrating things in a myriad of frustrating things is the reaction videos posted after the show. People like Gail Kim, or Samoa Joe, or Low Ki being like hurrr durrr yup that sure was awesome seeing our boss get destroyed even though the worse thing she’s really done to most of us is give us a job (totally side-eyeing you over this one, Low Ki). What is even your problem, Homicide? What the f-ck, Crazzy Steve?
The Wolves rally against Dixie Carter, but that doesn’t even make sense either. They were brought in to depose her and work with MVP to make Impact all about wrestling, but then they got turned on by MVP. Shouldn’t they be like, cutting off his hands and mailing them to one of those Russian models or something? What is up with these workers? Why is everyone so randomly hateful?
Best: The Bromen
Okay, maybe not everyone. The Bromen are somehow the only people who understand that injured or not, Dixie Carter is still the president of the company, and therefore still their boss. It is the only logical reaction to any of this, you magical tan little beasts, you.
So what have we learned? Well, we’ve learned that logic is our enemy, assholes gonna asshole as long as they say it’s cool, older wrestlers on the cusp of retirement will always go over young talent (which is why TNA still has to rely on them and not the future of the company they never maintained), and sometimes I really, really hate this show.