Hi friends! Did you watch TNA this week! I sure did! Wanna talk about it? I sure don’t! But hey, let’s do it anyways, For the kids, y’know?
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This week on Impact: A war hero, a kitty, and Matt Hardy walk into the Manhattan Center, and it’s not the set up for a joke! Well…maybe it is a little.
Worst: F-ck all of this, basically
Remember last week when you guys (well, not you guys, the royal you) railed on Brandon for being mean and dismissive and coming out to just be hateful towards Impact? You know he was pretty much super right, yeah? There’s this thing that I’ve come to terms with; that Brandon is “the Raw guy” and I’m “the Impact guy.” Every part of me wants to fight against that, because, you know, I watch the show, but at the end of the day that’s actually a real thing. I do watch Impact every week. I do miss covering it when we swap weeks, even if missing it means a relaxing week of great wrestling and things that make me happy. I love Ethan Carter III and Rockstar Spud and I get mad when people dismiss the show without even watching it and I do want it to be better than it is, but real talks: this sucks. This sucks hard. I can’t dance around this and try to pull something great out of this opening. Ooo, Best, Kurt Angle remembers what’s supposed to happen five minutes from now without reading it off of a sheet of paper. Ooo, Bobby Lashley…okay, Bobby Lashley still isn’t speaking, so he’s fine. The best thing about a segment can’t be the guy who doesn’t try to speak out loud, you feel me?
Worst: So uhhh, I think NXT made me mean?
I think it did. I was all psyched to come back and be like no really guys, let’s SHOOT STRAIGHT about Impact because wrestling is awesome and my favourite thing and who doesn’t want to talk about their favourite things? Turns out this gal does, but not in the positive way I wanted to. MVP brings up the NYPD’s illegal chokehold that killed Eric Garner, to which the crowd boos because they love New York, but don’t realise that by extension they’re cheering the murder of innocent black man. Super cool. Then Tommy Dreamer comes out because someone lit up the COOL DAD signal (an outline of a bowling shirt with flames on it), all fired up and ready to defend New York because, you know, Tommy Dreamer. The thing is he doesn’t even really defend New York all that much. He just wants to talk about how Bobby Lashley is finally living up to the potential that everyone else saw in him, and how dominant of a champion he is. I can only assume this is reverse psychology, seeing as it’s been months of nothing but people shitting all over him and saying he’s not a legitimate champion despite clean wins all the time always. Either that or Dreamer doesn’t actually watch the show, he’s just done the math on how long Lashley’s been champion and drawn his own conclusions.
It’s probably that last one.
Kurt Angle’s had enough of their shenanigans, and decides to put Lashley and Dreamer into a street fight. Maybe he secretly hates Dreamer and wants Bobby Lashley to spear him right out of his sweatpants and into the gaping maw of imminent death? I dunno. But that’s it. That’s the first ten minutes of the show. Talking and talking and nobody making any damn sense and the crowd responding awfully to things in order to prove that they aren’t awful. You also have to take my word at all of this, because TNA made the YouTube video private. You’ll just have to trust me when I say good for Kurt for learning how to words good again.
Best: MVP’s pants
Soooo…did you fall ass-first into the Martha Stewart Home Collection, or…?
Worst: Why isn’t this already over
Note: The above video contains roughly three full minutes of wrestling. That is roughly 2:59 too long for a match like this. Let’s get this straight: Eric Young, former World Champion, most talented wrestler to ever put on big boy panties and get in a ring according to his coworkers, could not beat Lashley clean. Bobby Roode, former World Champion, criminally underutilized according to a bunch of opinions I read on the internet, dude basically in his prime, could not beat Lashley clean. Austin Aries, former World Champion, guy who wins stuff he really shouldn’t ever win, couldn’t beat Lashley clean. Tommy Dreamer, one deep breath away from a hernia, is just happy to be there, and you’ve gotta start cheating? Really? If you’re Bobby Lashley you probably shouldn’t even give a shit what Tommy Dreamer thinks, because you look like Bobby Lashley and could probably run through a cinderblock wall like Juggernaut, but damn…really? What’s he gonna innovate all over you, Bobby? A stern talking to about doing your homework before you play video games?