Oh Slater ‘n’ Gator. So different! So unique! For reasons we won’t mention!
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A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.Subscribe to UPROXX
Best: Wrestlers Just Doing Their Jobs
One of the things I was hoping for when I signed up for this Main Event watching gig was some interesting/unexpected match-ups. As Brandon’s mentioned, one of the most annoying, stultifying things about WWE is that guys are only ever allowed to wrestle with the one person they’re feuding with at the moment. In real sports the Yankees don’t play the Red Sox every friggin’ week until everyone’s sick of it.
Thankfully this week’s Main Event kicked off with some random ridiculousness right off the bat, with Seth Rollins taking on Fandango. Seth’s face pretty much says it all…
The match was actually pretty good too, with Fandango actually getting to look like a competent wrestler, and Rollins playing along until enough way enough, at which point he turned up the violence level and definitively proved himself the better man. Perfect! This is everything I want from wrestling.
Main Event Status: Rollins will probably end up as World Champ by the end of the year and tops Raws these days, while Fandango is regularly knocked unconscious by errant kicks from Layla, so uhhh,let’s call this a quarter of the way towards a main event.
Best: Stupid Indeed, Ryback
What is with the Usos’ knew red bandanas? They look like rescue dogs. Okay, okay, I’ll adopt an Uso — they better not top-rope splash the furniture though.
As mentioned many times, I’m a big fan of The Usos as a tag team, but they’re not so hot on their own. Kind of hard to work double dives in singles matches, y’know? That said, this match was surprisingly good. It didn’t start on a promising note, with Jey Uso spending most of the early match in f*cking around mode, but after a lengthy, particularly obnoxious bit of Uso dancing, Ryback stomped into the middle of the ring, proclaimed Jey STUPID and shit was ON. Good hard hitting stuff, and then Ryback won! Like a competent pro-wrestler! Main Event, where WWE employees are allowed to do their jobs properly.
Main Event Status: Ryback vs. an Uso the commentators couldn’t even be bothered to properly identify. We’ll go 10% on this one.
Best: Poor Heath. You’re Too Good For This World
Slater ‘n’ Gator ‘r’ back! Heath was adorable here, being more into his randomly assembled jobber tag team than anybody in their right mind could possible be, particularly given “Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil go out to fight the new angry black guys stable” is the most obvious Horseman Beatdown set up in the world. Poor Heath. Poor, poor Heath.