Oh Slater ‘n’ Gator. So different! So unique! For reasons we won’t mention!
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A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.Subscribe to UPROXX
Best: Wrestlers Just Doing Their Jobs
One of the things I was hoping for when I signed up for this Main Event watching gig was some interesting/unexpected match-ups. As Brandon’s mentioned, one of the most annoying, stultifying things about WWE is that guys are only ever allowed to wrestle with the one person they’re feuding with at the moment. In real sports the Yankees don’t play the Red Sox every friggin’ week until everyone’s sick of it.
Thankfully this week’s Main Event kicked off with some random ridiculousness right off the bat, with Seth Rollins taking on Fandango. Seth’s face pretty much says it all…
The match was actually pretty good too, with Fandango actually getting to look like a competent wrestler, and Rollins playing along until enough way enough, at which point he turned up the violence level and definitively proved himself the better man. Perfect! This is everything I want from wrestling.
Main Event Status: Rollins will probably end up as World Champ by the end of the year and tops Raws these days, while Fandango is regularly knocked unconscious by errant kicks from Layla, so uhhh,let’s call this a quarter of the way towards a main event.
Best: Stupid Indeed, Ryback
What is with the Usos’ knew red bandanas? They look like rescue dogs. Okay, okay, I’ll adopt an Uso — they better not top-rope splash the furniture though.
As mentioned many times, I’m a big fan of The Usos as a tag team, but they’re not so hot on their own. Kind of hard to work double dives in singles matches, y’know? That said, this match was surprisingly good. It didn’t start on a promising note, with Jey Uso spending most of the early match in f*cking around mode, but after a lengthy, particularly obnoxious bit of Uso dancing, Ryback stomped into the middle of the ring, proclaimed Jey STUPID and shit was ON. Good hard hitting stuff, and then Ryback won! Like a competent pro-wrestler! Main Event, where WWE employees are allowed to do their jobs properly.
Main Event Status: Ryback vs. an Uso the commentators couldn’t even be bothered to properly identify. We’ll go 10% on this one.
Best: Poor Heath. You’re Too Good For This World
Slater ‘n’ Gator ‘r’ back! Heath was adorable here, being more into his randomly assembled jobber tag team than anybody in their right mind could possible be, particularly given “Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil go out to fight the new angry black guys stable” is the most obvious Horseman Beatdown set up in the world. Poor Heath. Poor, poor Heath.
Best: Well, If You’re Going To Be Racist Anyway…
Speaking of the new angry black guy stable, I guess I don’t hate them? Not yet? Stables formed as a passive-aggressive response to WWE being criticized, from the Right to Censor on up, are the worst. That said, WWE mindlessly makes all their black wrestlers team together anyways — may as well make it official and give them some sort of guiding mission. Also, the “Xavier Woods is going for his doctorate!” talking point is finally being put to good use.
The Kofi/Big E vs. Slater/O’Neil match itself was, well, interesting. They didn’t actually go for the Horseman Beatdown because apparently Main Event isn’t important enough for a Titus O’Neil turn, but it was certainly odd to see Kofi Kingston playing heel. As far as relentlessly squeaky-clean WWE babyfaces go, Kofi puts even John Cena to shame, so him chopping the shit Titus and stomping dudes into oblivion was a bracing sight. I absolutely, 100% reserve the right to turn on the angry black guy stable as soon as this week’s Smackdown, but I’m reserving my bile for now.
Main Event Status: It’s the battle of the jobbers to the stars vs. the uh, just plain jobbers. I’ll give this one a nickel.
Best: Alright, Yeah, I’ll Take That
Heath Slater ain’t gonna turn down any comparisons to the majestic albatross, no sir! World’s largest wingspan? Traveling 10,000 miles in a single flight? No record of one ever being pinned by Torito? F*ck yeah, boyee!
Best: Swagger/Rusev II
Lana’s top bun is getting bigger and bigger. Soon she’ll have more sock than hair.
I didn’t watch the Battleground Swagger/Rusev match, because Battleground, but this rematch was pretty damn solid stuff. Swagger worked over the ankle in some unique ways — using a toss over the top rope to hurt the ankle was smart (those over the top spills are what actually kill guys ankles). Then Swagger broke the streak! Well, it was by DQ, but still! Usually I’d be annoyed by a DQ finish, but how often do you see a DQ caused by an international object that’s actually an international object?
All Bests show! Take that guy who leaves “Do you even like wrestling?” comments on everything I write!
Main Event Status: Rusev is the latest big lug being built up for a future AA-ing, and Jack Swagger is Jack Swagger, but this is the most heated feud in the company now, so we’ll say this is a third of a legit main event.
Final Main Event Tally: Let’s see, .25 + .1 + .05 + .33 (yup, real math this week!) = 73%. I’ll add a bonus of, let’s say, 12% for it being an all-Bests show, so this episode of Main Event made it 85% of the way towards earning it’s title. Keep climbing that ladder Main Event!