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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.
Best: The Besuited Superman
Cesaro came out wearing a f*cking swank suit to do commentary on the opening match, and, as you might expect, he tore the commentary house down. Based on the fact that they teamed him up with Paul Heyman for a while and rarely give him a microphone, somebody in WWE clearly doesn’t think Cesaro can talk, which is as absurd and baseless as all the other “issues” they’ve had with Cesaro. Well, aside from the nipples — those things are kind of hypnotic.
Cesaro verbally Lesnar-ing Byron Saxton when he dared to call him Swedish was choice, and he thankfully shut Michael Cole down cold whenever he started pestering him to speak in one a’ them crazy foreign tongues of his, like knowing five languages is some sort of dog trick. He even provided interesting commentary on the match, giving solid advice on how to beat Sheamus using examples from when he himself fought him. If Cesaro decides to pull a Tazz, stop caring, gain 50-pounds and just commentate full time I’ll, well, actually I’d be pretty okay with that.Subscribe to UPROXX
Worst: The Actual Match
Oh right, there was also a match happening when Cesaro was saying funny things. Uh, what can you say about a Sheamus/Curtis Axel match in 2014? It was fine, and Curtis Axel got more offense than I thought he would, but Sheamus could have rolled around with a Wrestling Buddy for 10-minutes and achieved the same result.
Main Event Status: Does Curtis Axel add or actually detract from Sheamus’ star power? We’ll say this was a .25 on the main event scale.
Triple H seems pretty jazzed about this match.
Worst: The Rematch
Brandon already covered it pretty thoroughly, but ugh. The main event of SummerSlam was perfect — any additions or rematches can only sully it. Also, if Cena’s SummerSlam performance earns him another title shot, they may as well dig up Zach Gowen and make it a three way.
Best: NIKKI Bella
So, Nikki Bella’s first match as a heel was actually…pretty good? A lot of that was thanks to Emma I’m sure (she’s still with us!) but the Bellas are definitely more at home as heels. You’re allowed be completely oblivious and un-self-aware as a heel. Nikki can do absurd muscle-mag pose, butt-flaunting headlocks and it works because she’s supposed to be a ridiculous, self-absorbed person. Also, I have to say, that new forearm Nikki’s throwing ain’t half bad. Also also, I will continue to go on record as saying Nikki is the more attractive Bella. So yeah, consider me firmly on Team Stupid Baseball Cap.
Main Event Status: Well, based on the promotion, Brie Bella/Steph was the co-main of SummerSlam, and Nikki was as big a part of that match as Triple H was, so Nikki is now a bigger deal than Triple H. Well, okay, maybe I’m going a little far there. Still, this being Nikki’s first match since turning and all, I’ll give it a 10%.