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Hit the next page for your Main Event of the evening (er, afternoon)…
A Note Before We Begin: The central irony of this show is that they call it Main Event despite the fact that the show is obviously the modern incarnation of Jakked. So, just to add a little extra interest to these reports, I thought I’d keep track of how close all the matches on the show, combined, come to equalling one legit main event. You’ll see how it works as we progress.
Best: The Besuited Superman
Cesaro came out wearing a f*cking swank suit to do commentary on the opening match, and, as you might expect, he tore the commentary house down. Based on the fact that they teamed him up with Paul Heyman for a while and rarely give him a microphone, somebody in WWE clearly doesn’t think Cesaro can talk, which is as absurd and baseless as all the other “issues” they’ve had with Cesaro. Well, aside from the nipples — those things are kind of hypnotic.
Cesaro verbally Lesnar-ing Byron Saxton when he dared to call him Swedish was choice, and he thankfully shut Michael Cole down cold whenever he started pestering him to speak in one a’ them crazy foreign tongues of his, like knowing five languages is some sort of dog trick. He even provided interesting commentary on the match, giving solid advice on how to beat Sheamus using examples from when he himself fought him. If Cesaro decides to pull a Tazz, stop caring, gain 50-pounds and just commentate full time I’ll, well, actually I’d be pretty okay with that.Subscribe to UPROXX
Worst: The Actual Match
Oh right, there was also a match happening when Cesaro was saying funny things. Uh, what can you say about a Sheamus/Curtis Axel match in 2014? It was fine, and Curtis Axel got more offense than I thought he would, but Sheamus could have rolled around with a Wrestling Buddy for 10-minutes and achieved the same result.
Main Event Status: Does Curtis Axel add or actually detract from Sheamus’ star power? We’ll say this was a .25 on the main event scale.
Triple H seems pretty jazzed about this match.
Worst: The Rematch
Brandon already covered it pretty thoroughly, but ugh. The main event of SummerSlam was perfect — any additions or rematches can only sully it. Also, if Cena’s SummerSlam performance earns him another title shot, they may as well dig up Zach Gowen and make it a three way.
Best: NIKKI Bella
So, Nikki Bella’s first match as a heel was actually…pretty good? A lot of that was thanks to Emma I’m sure (she’s still with us!) but the Bellas are definitely more at home as heels. You’re allowed be completely oblivious and un-self-aware as a heel. Nikki can do absurd muscle-mag pose, butt-flaunting headlocks and it works because she’s supposed to be a ridiculous, self-absorbed person. Also, I have to say, that new forearm Nikki’s throwing ain’t half bad. Also also, I will continue to go on record as saying Nikki is the more attractive Bella. So yeah, consider me firmly on Team Stupid Baseball Cap.
Main Event Status: Well, based on the promotion, Brie Bella/Steph was the co-main of SummerSlam, and Nikki was as big a part of that match as Triple H was, so Nikki is now a bigger deal than Triple H. Well, okay, maybe I’m going a little far there. Still, this being Nikki’s first match since turning and all, I’ll give it a 10%.
Best: Just Whup ‘im So We Can Go Eat
Show Henry continue to be totally loveable. Show momentarily slips into “entertaining” mode during this backstage interview and Henry is all, “shut up, I’m hungry, let’s go dummy”. Big Show has always needed somebody to keep him on an even keel — without guidance he’s a monster one week, and wearing a cupid diaper the next. Henry is the stern, but ultimately decent voice of reason Show has always needed to guide him. I hope these guys team up for the rest of their careers.
Best: La Vaquita
I know, I shouldn’t be Besting Hornswoggle in a cow suit, but I can’t help but take some perverse pleasure in seeing Hornswoggle finally hit rock bottom. First of all, we’ve come full-circle and are now seeing the inverse of this, uh, “classic” Hornswoggle/Chavo Guerrero moment…
Second, Vaquita is, specifically, Spanish for a female cow, and that suit has an udder, so you don’t have to read too far between the lines to see where Swoggle now stands in relation to his former blood-rival Torito. I mean, maybe he’s totally into it — there is a fine line between love and hate, but I’m kind of hoping he’s not. Yeeeah, maybe that makes me a bad person, but on the other hand, Hornswoggle.
Main Event Status: SLATA GATA BABY! I’ll give this one a 10%.
Seriously, how tiny is this lady?
Best: A Smackdown Tease I Actually Want To See
The last few weeks Main Event has been taunting this poor B-show reviewer by “promoting” Smackdown with promises of Randy Orton promos and Miz TV. This week though, they set up a Seth Rollins/Jack Swagger match, which actually sounds mildly intriguing. Certainly more interesting “Randy Orton is going to say words”.
Best: Big Show vs. Rowan
This wasn’t a great match, but it was solid, and a solid singles match with Big Show is far from a certainty these days. Erick Rowan has transformed into a legitimately good tag team wrestler, but hasn’t quite put all the pieces together for singles matches. He worked Show’s leg over for a while, then just sort of forgot about it and spent too much time doing his double Sgt. Slaughter noogie in the middle-portion of the match. Still, Rowan has an impressive physical presence and the match moved at a good pace and featured another casual Big Show bodyslam by Rowan. I’m not sure what kind of future Rowan can have outside of the Wyatts, but good on ‘im for improving himself.
Main Event Status: This was more or less an extended squash, but I refuse to give anything Show Henry-related less than a 25%.
Final Main Event Tally: If you’re out there reading Main Event booker (considering I’m maybe the only person on the Internet seriously dissecting this show, it’s a possibility) thanks for returning to four matches this week! You still only made it 70% of the way towards earning the show’s title, but this was a major improvement over last week.