Lana, initiating painful and permanent responses all day, every day.
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Read on for the Best and Worst of Main Event: Friday Edition, er, I mean Smackdown…
Worst: Why Are You Wasting This Feud?
Why is Sheamus being used to keep Bray Wyatt occupied while he waits for Cena to AA him off a cage through a mountain of barbwire tables or whatever? Sheamus should be Bray’s full-time dance partner. Sheamus is often accused of being a larger, paler John Cena, but the dude doesn’t live in John Cena’s ivory tour bus just yet. Sheamus can actually change. Bray Wyatt’s ominous promos can actually lead to something with Sheamus, who desperately needs a shake-up anyways. Have Sheamus join the Wyatts, drop the Beaker hair and go full-on Viking. Have Rowan be his long lost son, or dad or uh, imperfect clone? Anything! Sheamus needs something to do other than “be the same old Sheamus who now sometimes loses”.Subscribe to UPROXX
Best: Fast, Clubbery and Out of Control
But hey, even though I thought it was a waste of resources, The Wyatts vs. The Usos & Sheamus was pretty rockin’ wrestling match. These are the six hardest-hitting guys on the roster, most of whom are damn good on their worst day, and this was nowhere near anybody’s worst day. Losing three times in two weeks has put the fear of God into Sheamus and he was busting ass like a 280 pound Dolph Ziggler, the Usos’ title reign is actually turning into a real thing (and one of them gets to go home to Naomi every night) so they were wild Samoan superkicking machines, and The Wyatts were clearly glad to be away from John Cena and his Photoshop Phunnies for a while.
This match was like a sped-up 80s Jackie Chan fight scene — everyone moving just a little faster than seems possible. Real Armor of God s–t. At one point Sheamus takes an over the ropes bump like he’s been ejected from a car windshield then is up 30-seconds later smiling about it. An Uso eats a Michinoku driver straight into Luke Harper’s f–king knee and keeps coming. I’d say this match shortened careers, but I’m pretty sure it’s not an issue since all the guys involved are made of rubber vulcanized by pure manliness.
Best: Everything About This
Okay, I could launch into a whole dissection what makes a stupid WWE comedy segment work or not work, but that would consume precious time that could be spent babbling semi-coherently about all the things I loved about this WeeLC contract signing.
I knew this segment was going to be the right kind of stupid the moment I saw El Torito, the bouncing, groin-butting chimp/bull hybrid, sitting calmly in a giant office chair, just the most polite lil’ WWE contract signing participant ever. Now I want to see Torito just hanging out, peacefully doing other mundane things. Here’s Torito showing the H&R Block guy his airbrushing receipts! Here’s Torito curating his Netflix queue! Olé!
So then Drew McIntyre pulls a list out from under his balls, and holy s–t, how has 3MB never done the Van Halen brown M&Ms ridiculous demands routine before? They probably have, but it wasn’t as funny as this. 3MB’s demands aren’t just stupid, they make no logistical sense. Hornswoggle wants 200 copies of 3MB’s greatest hits playing at the same time while he’s training. That s–t is just straight up unnecessary — 100 copies playing at once would more than suffice. He also wants 10 copies of Rudy. You only need one copy to watch the movie 10 times guys. I suppose it makes sense for a band that’s never recorded a song to not understand physical media.
Annnd then Torito speaks, and he has the most intimidating voice in the company. Oh oh oh, and Hornswoggle’s booster seat, and Torito making a hoofprint and Swoggle struggling to get up on the desk like a puppy on a frozen pond. I reserve the right to continue hating 90% of WWE comedy, but this was magic. Magic.
Best: Getting It Over With Before They Can See Your Bald Spot
If RVD doesn’t get both ankles broken and Cesaro swung into the upper deck in the first 30-seconds of the Extreme Rules elimination match, I riot. Uh, on Twitter.
Actually this Swagger/RVD match was surprisingly okay. Mainly because it was just RVD doing a couple decent moves then decisively winning in 2 or 3 minutes. RVD has needed something like this since coming back, but he’s been doing nothing but long matches, and long matches are no longer his forté. If Rob has to wrestle for more than five minutes he gets all red and sweaty and forlorn looking. Get the poor guy out of the ring before he gets too winded to suck in the gut is what I’m saying.