Hey, Blue Team!
Smackdown Live is more than likely going to end up being the highest-rated wrestling show on television this week. Too bad it wasn’t the best. I didn’t watch this week’s Raw; like most Americans I was watching something other than wrestling Monday night. But even without seeing it, I can confidently say Raw had to have been better, because tonight’s Smackdown featured a series of backstage segments between Bray Wyatt and Randy Orton that was some of the most pointless, lazy television I’ve ever seen. I’ll take Big E’s balls in a jar over this any day.
Luckily the rest of the show is pretty good. There’s even a great segment between The Miz and Dolph Ziggler that almost redeems the show. Almost.
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And now without further ado, here is The Best and Worst of Smackdown Live for September 27, 2016.
Worst: The Randy Orton/Bray Wyatt Feud Did Not Quietly End Off-Screen Between Episodes
This week’s Smackdown opens the worst possible way it could; with Randy Orton coming down to the ring and attempting to remember a list of things that scare people, followed by Bray Wyatt appearing on the screen to tell Randy the story of Hansel and Gretel and to show him his nifty new hourglass he bought. That’s the largest amount of things to happen in a Randy Orton/Bray Wyatt segment in a month. Exciting stuff.
At first I was happy we were starting the show off with these two, because it meant we were getting them out of the way. I could sit back and enjoy the rest of Smackdown Live without having to wonder when Bray and Orton were going to show up to bring it to a screeching halt.
Turns out I wouldn’t be so lucky, as this is just the first of six Orton/Wyatt segments on this week’s show. You see, Bray Wyatt has left a trail for Randy Orton. A trail that will lead Randy Orton straight through the confines of the prison that is his own mind. Otherwise known as an electrical room and some broom closets.
Everything about this was bad. As soon as this was set up, I knew it was going to be excruciating. But I never could have guessed just how painful it was going to get. From the writing, to the way it was shot, to the production design … there were zero redeeming qualities in these segments.
It was like a group of kindergartners were given a camera and told to create a horror movie before the end of the school day. I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. At this point, I’m sure I’ve spent more time thinking about these segments than anyone at WWE did before making them.
I could spend hours complaining about this, but it’s honestly so bad that I don’t want to give any more energy to it than I already have.
Best: The Rest Of The Show’s Pretty Good!
I really enjoyed the eight man tag team match with American Alpha and Heath Slater & Rhyno vs. The Usos and The Ascension, despite the fact that it involved both The Usos and The Ascension. The Ascension is basically the fourth best tag team on Smackdown Live, yet Smackdown’s tag team division still blows Raw’s out of the water.
To me, the surprise of this match wasn’t that The Ascension didn’t mess up or even The Usos’ new baby diarrhea-colored pants, it’s how into Rhyno and Heath Slater the fans still are. Everything either of them did in the match got a gigantic reaction. It’s a beautiful thing to behold. I can’t even really tell you why, but I feel so happy for these guys. I feel like they’ve both been really under-appreciated for the majority of their careers. It gives me the warm fuzzies.
It also just makes me happy to see the crowd reacting to tag team wrestling in general. A good portion of the arena was up on its feet just because of the anticipation of Heath Slater being tagged in. When The Usos defeat Slater, they get legit heel heat. It can be like this all the time! We never have to have another Wyatt/ Orton segment again!
Best: Or At Least Better Than Last Week
Naomi and Nikki Bella vs. Carmella and Natalya is the match we should have gotten last week, but we apparently can’t have more than one full women’s segment on each episode. More on that later. It’s a solid match where once again Carmella gets a relatively clean pin on Nikki Bella. There was a little bit of eye-raking and some interference by Natalya, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.
This is maybe the third or fourth time that Carmella’s pinned Nikki, yet I’m surprised by it every time. I’ve been so programmed over the years to expect that if a Bella is in the match she’s winning it, that every time Carmella pins Nikki I get a visceral reaction of “Oh, didn’t think that would happen,” even though it keeps happening over and over again. This is so much better than whatever that thing was last week with the weird DQ.
Let’s keep it moving in this direction. WWE seems scared to put two women’s matches on an episode of Smackdown, let alone putting two one-on-one women’s matches on a single brand pay-per-view, but it’s time to take that next step. I know Becky Lynch and Alexa Bliss is already booked for No Mercy, but I want to see Nikki Bella/Carmella one-on-one at No Mercy as well.
No, not on the Mountain Dew KickStart YouTube Pre-Show. On the actual pay-per-view. I can’t believe I’m actually requesting a Bella match. What is going on?!
Best: Meet The Parents
How can the same show have something as bad as the Orton/Wyatt stuff, yet still have something as good as this Miz video package? And that was just the tip of the iceberg of what was absolutely fantastic work from both The Miz and Dolph Ziggler.
The Miz has made his triumphant return home to Cleveland, Ohio. Despite that beautiful video package, an array of fireworks, and a ring filled with giant pictures of him, The Miz is still not satisfied with the hero’s welcome he’s been given. Him and Maryse come down to the ring to complain.
It just so happens to be Bring Your Parent To Work Night, because both The Miz and Dolph Ziggler’s parents were in the audience. In case you’re not familiar with The Miz’s parents, they’re Heath Slater and Beulah twenty years in the future. Dolph’s parents apparently decided before the show that his mom would do the acting for both of them. They both seem like lovely people, but The Miz lays into them for creating a world class loser in Dolph. This of course brings the Ziggler child to the ring, because he has had enough. Not just of The Miz’ rhetoric, but of the entire Sports Entertainment industry.
The Miz cuts a perfect promo about the state of Dolph Ziggler’s wrestling career, and Ziggler had the perfect response. He wants The Miz to put the Intercontinental Title on the line one last time, and if he can’t beat The Miz this time, he’ll retire. They’ve completely course-corrected from the odd mid-step of The Miz’ offscreen contract negotiations. At the same time, they are paying off months, actually years, of Dolph Ziggler not being able to get the job done.
This match is such a logical decision, I can’t believe it came from WWE. No matter what the outcome, it helps everybody. If you want to hit the reset button on Ziggler, there’s no better way than to have him put it all together and ascend to the next level in this match, and then just keep him at that level going forward. And if he loses, yeah the best thing for him would probably be retirement.
The Miz will be a bigger star, win or lose. If he wins, he can add ending Dolph Ziggler’s career to the list of achievements he brags about in his promos, probably somewhere between his Kids Choice Award and his role in The Marine 5. And if he loses, it’s the perfect opportunity to leave the Intercontinental Championship behind on the World Title hunt.
This is also another step towards revitalizing the Intercontinental Title. It speaks volumes that Dolph would put his career on the line for another shot at it. If he does win it I hope that like The Miz, he has a nice long run with it and it doesn’t go back to being a hot potato.
Hopefully this whole thing isn’t just a means to get rid of the Dolph Ziggler character so Nick can wrestle full time as The Colonel.
Worst: Why Bother?
I touched upon this earlier, but Smackdown seems to have a real problem lately with having two fully formed women’s segments on one episode. Last week we had a nice Becky Lynch/Alexa Bliss contract signing, which was followed up by the women’s tag match getting cut short. This week we get the tag match in full, and it’s Becky and Alexa that get short changed.
On top of that, what Becky and Alexa are left with is one of the most overused cliche women’s segments. Becky is on her way to the ring to face no one when she’s jumped from behind by Alexa. This happens in every women’s feud, including every Becky Lynch feud. It’s happened so many times to Becky this year, she would bring it up later tonight on Talking Smack. Why even have Becky and Alexa on the show if you’re just going to throw away their segment like that?
What this should have been is an Alexa Bliss squash match against local talent. Something where the non-NXT watching WWE Universe could get a better overview of her talents. Something that could make her look like an actual threat to Becky’s title, and not just “Becky Lynch Championship Opponent A.”
Best case scenario, he announces he’s not returning to Smackdown.
Best: The Legend Of John Cena As Told By John Cena
This week’s main event was John Cena watching AJ Styles vs. Dean Ambrose for the WWE Championship. John Cena’s just a simple man here to watch a championship match. His presence will in no way, shape, or form taint the outcome of this match. I don’t know if this was done on purpose, but John Cena being on commentary played perfectly into the storyline and into the John Cena persona by it becoming a complete distraction from the match.
I am fascinated by the “more machine now than man” that is John Cena. He is the cockiest man alive, yet somehow doesn’t come off that way because of the surgical way he speaks.
As the match starts, JBL asks Cena is he cares who the champion will be going into No Mercy. The Cena Tron answers with the most political answer. At the same time, his answer comes off as cocky and condescending. When John is saying stuff like, “Both Superstars are champion caliber, but I’m going to No Mercy to make history,” he’s really saying, “I don’t give AF who I’m facing, I have decided the best thing for this company is for me to be champion and I will make it so.
As Cena’s stint on commentary goes on, it becomes harder for him to hide his massive ego. Even those both Styles and Ambrose ave recently beaten Big Match John, there is still no doubt in Cena’s mind that he us better than them, He criticizes the decisions Ambrose and Styles would make throughout the match, especially Dean Ambrose. Cena seems almost disgusted by Ambrose; John takes every opportunity to point out how stupid Ambrose is, but in the most polite and political way possible.
There’s a point in the match where Ambrose is fighting Styles outside to ring. Dean rolls back inside leaving AJ outside while the ref starts counting. John says, “You’re not going to win a championship on a count out.”
What a dick. I love it.
My favorite moment is when JBL asks Cena if at his age he can be champion and still keep up with all the work outside of WWE. Cena answers by comparing himself to duel sport athletes like Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders. Is hosting award shows a sport? I guess to Cena it is.
Maybe the match was great. I’m not really sure. I was so distracted by Cena’s quiet arrogance, that I didn’t really fully engage in the match until around the Calf Crusher. But I liked what I saw from that point on.
The end of the match saw Cena’s gravitational pull finally become too much for Styles, drawing him outside to sucker punch Cena. This brings Cena onto the ring apron, distracting the ref who then becomes late to Ambrose’ pin attempt. After AJ kicks out, Ambrose rolls out of the ring and also punches Cena. But Styles rolls Ambrose up for the pin once Ambrose gets back in the ring.
Smackdown ends with John Cena getting into the ring and paying Ambrose and Styles back for bothering him while he was on commentary. He gives them both Attitude Adjustments and Smackdown goes off the air with a shot of what may be the most dangerous version of John Cena ever.
I would like to leave you today with what is now my favorite John Cena quote of all time. “I will be the first to do everything at once.”
Until next time, I’m Justin Donaldson and I’m more than happy doing one thing at a time.
