Hey kitty cats! Brandon let me take over the NXT report while he’s away. For once I get the good show! Follow along on Hulu here, and on the WWE Network here. You know, unless you’re Canadian. Thanks, WWE!
– Brandon is in Chicago for the Bruce Campbell Horror Film Festival, showing the movie he made with Goldust and Jill Thompson and making me all mushy-faced with pride. Go if you can, and if you can’t, find a way to see the film. It really is fantastic.
– Comment, tweet, Facebook, and share this report with as many people as you can. Watching NXT makes you wild and young. Don’t you want to be both of those things?
This week on NXT: God, who even cares what happens, I get to write about NXT!
Best: Happiness is a Carnival Barker
So this week I get to live in Brandon’s happy place, while he had to walk for miles in the pit of danger that is TNA. It’s like they knew! The last time I covered NXT, I basically used it as an excuse to write almost a thousand words about how great Antonio Cesaro is, because…well, you know, he’s pretty great. At the kickoff of the episode I get not only Enzo and Big Cass, but they’re wrestling the Vaudevillains, and guys. Guys. It’s like they knew.
For those of you who don’t know, I go hard for all of these dudes. Enzo is like a magical cartoon wrestler I want to hug forever. I love KC Metro Pro (no really, the Commission’s rule book lives on my bookshelf because I’m the biggest goober), so seeing Simon Gotch go from the indies to Rosebud to delightful tag team partner of the singing guy who’s secretly more awesome than most people is wonderful, and 3) my C key is kinda busted, so I keep calling him “Big ass” by accident, and that may make me love him even more.
It also helps that the match is actually pretty fun. It’s sad that the eventual winners will have to be sacrificed to Set by the Ascension, but Cass fastballing Enzo into Simon Gotch fills my heart with so much joy. I don’t even mind the Vaudevillains Less Bang For Your Buck finisher. Going from recent episodes of Impact to this match is like going from Gomorra to Tootsie. The rest of the show could be Mojo Rawley and Stone Cold Bull Dempsey reenacting that Kaitlyn-Maxine match and I’d still be the happiest girl.
Worst: Ces hommes terrible!
The Legionnaires let the match finish, preventing a repeat of the distraction finish from the last meeting between these two teams. Sylvester Lefort and Marcus Louis, clippers in hand, get ahold of Enzo and shave off part of his beard. Man, that’s cold. I suppose this should be a secret best because it’s so simple, but makes me hate those French dudes so much. I legitimately gasped when they started shearing bits from his face. That’s a great, organic reaction that only comes with well-developed characters. You can come out and be all BITCHFACE ASSBUTT I’M GONNA KILL YOU TO DEATH and that’s okay, I guess, but something like that is mostly met with a dismissive wanking motion. Feeling personally upset and offended that a guy who looks like someone’s visiting weirdo European uncle took a piece of someone’s beard? That takes something special. I love you, NXT. I love you so much.
Worst: More Like Jojo AWFUL-man, Amirite?
I try to give grace where I can, understanding that these people are still learning and honing their craft, but Jojo, sweetie, darling, sweetie, no. Every sentence is this weird vocal roller coaster of SQUEAKY EMPHASIS normal voice SQUEAKY EMPHASIS normal voice. Listen to the way she says the H in Triple H. I guess she missed this part of promo school:
Best: Takeover 2: Cheetah Girls One World
Because I’ve been a good girl and eaten all of my vegetables, Big Daddy Trips is here to announce the next NXT special. On September 11th we get to see the Ascension vs. someone, because of course we will, the women’s title will be defended (spoiler alert: unless Devitt and KENTA show up and go full 90’s AJPW on each other this will be the match of the night), and we’ll even get a brand new GM next week to oversee everything. /whispers please be Regal please be Regal please be Regal…