The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/9/12: Somebody Call My Mama

01.10.12 5 years ago 130 Comments

Pre-show notes:

– The With Spandex podcast experienced a few technical difficulties over the weekend, but we’re working through it. Expect that as soon as I grow a brain that isn’t 70 years old and figure out how computers work.

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– Additional reading: UGO’s Raw Report.

– I apologize for the relative lateness of today’s column. I had to change a tire, and things got weird.

Anyway, please to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Halloween H20 Edition for January 9, 2012.

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Worst: Okay, Kane, We’re Going To Give You The First 20 Minutes Of The Show With Which To Expound Upon Hate, And The Consequences Of Failing To Embrace Said Hate As It Relates To John Cena

While the exploding glory holes and horror movie car murders might say otherwise, I’m convinced that WWE Creative wrote JOHN CENA VERSE KANE at the top of a dry erase board, wrote “isn’t worried about what the crowd thinks” under Cena and “thinks Cena should be worried about what the crowd thinks” under Kane and thought that would be enough to get them through five weeks of two-hour television programming blocks. There is not even a single other talking point — Kane thinks John Cena should hate, Cena thinks he shouldn’t.

That’s it. That’s the entire thing. Two weeks ago when Kane explained that he’d teach Cena to embrace hate that we were going somewhere, and that maybe Kane would rip off the dog tags Andre style and tombstone John Cena Sr. into fire or whatever, but nope, Kane has gone the Cena route of saying the exact same goddamn thing every week and getting twenty minutes with which to do so. It’s infuriating, and feels like we’re treading the muddiest, sh*ttiest water ever. Imagine how bad the Kane/Shane McMahon story would’ve been if they’d spend six weeks saying “I’m gonna shock you in the balls with a car battery/No don’t shock my balls!” instead of hooking up a battery to Kane’s balls and shocking him.

Kane suggesting that the crowd hates Cena because he represents them and they’re self-loathers is pretty astute, but it doesn’t explain why he wants Cena to understand hate. Kane’s making a lot of assumptions about me (I hate my wife, job and children … I love my girlfriend, my job is to make baseball players pretend curse at each other on the Internet and I have tons of DVD and fun stuff instead of children) and I don’t appreciate it. Get to the burning people with fire part plz.

Best: John Cena Is Here To Talk Fight!

And speaking of getting to the point, John Cena gets a bright shiny gold star for just running down to the ring and punching, though I’m pretty sure he yelled eachandeveryoneofyoupaidyourhardearneddollarstoboomenoharmnofoulokaybyeeeee as he was sprinting.

Also, why did he wear his t-shirt out if he was just gonna whip it off on the ramp? Why do wrestlers have to take off their clothes to fight, anyway? I know you need to have optimal body movement when you’re grappling, but if you’re a punching guy chances are you can punch in a shirt, especially in a t-shirt. Miz did the same thing, he jumped R-Truth from behind in a hoodie, then wasted enough time for Truth to come back removing it, unbuttoning his dress shirt and rolling up the sleeves. It’s a f**king layer of low quality cloth, not a straight jacket.

Worst: I Swear I Thought Somebody Was Going Into A Flaming Dumpster

Kane doing the awful pro wrestling “hold your head and walk” thing out into the parking lot made me think three things:

1. WWE guys haven’t done a lot of formal brawling backstage lately, and Cena bumping into a wall and staggering around like a goon is a justification for those WWE ’12 storyline chapters where you have to beat up three guys backstage by slamming their heads in doors or kneeing them into production carts.

2. Any time WWE goes outside and the camera changes, you know for sure that some stupid bullsh*t with vehicles is about to occur (examples: JBL trying to murder John Cena by burning him to death in a car, JBL trying to murder Cena by driving a car into him, Rikishi trying to murder Stone Cold Steve Austin by driving a car into him, Smackdown Vs. Raw 2006 trying to murder Teddy Long by driving a car into him, Stone Cold Steve Austin trying to murder Triple H with a forklift, the nWo trying to murder The Rock by driving a truck into his ambulance, Vince McMahon’s limo exploding … Jesus, how often do they do this?).

3. “Burn in hell … you son of a bitch!”

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Somehow worse than all other backstage acts of murder is Shane McMahon using a one-legged Eve Torres dropkick to the shin to send Kane falling backwards into a flaming dumpster. It led to nothing (which is fine, considering it is canon that Kane cannot or at least has learned to not feel burns) and ruined Shane McMahon’s occasional coolness forever, wasting away all that goodwill he built up getting great matches out of X-Pac and Test and leading to that horrible thing where he dismantled Legacy one-on-three with phantom little brother punches.

I do not enjoy anything that reminds me of Kane falling in a dumpster. Or Kane emerging from a dumpster. Or Kane! (Or dumpsters.)

Worst: Kane Is The Bat

I don’t want to be that guy, especially when I just mentioned “canon” in regard to somebody having flame retardant powers, but how exactly did Kane “vanish” during his fight with John Cena? He attacks Cena and knocks him into some errant pipes … we know Cena can’t be destroyed with backstage set equipment (Alberto Del Rio and Awesome Truth learned this the hard way), so he comes back with a crowbar (which was being stored amidst the pipes) and hits Kane in the knee. Kane shoves him into some cardboard boxes (possibly full of crowbars) and when Cena turns around, Kane is gone. Of course, Cena didn’t really look for him and just kinda stood there doing a Brian Cox in Troy spin, but the suggestion is that Kane disappeared in the style of Batman.

Am I the only one who wanted Cena to look at the cameraman and say “hey, where did he go”? Even if we are to assume that the camera guy kept looking through the camera at downed Cena the entire time and has that little awareness, he could’ve done an “I DUNNO JERN HE VANISHED!”. It wouldn’t have been any weirder than KANE VANISHING.

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