Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: A fancy jacket was destroyed.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 16, 2016.
Best: Cesaro VS. Zayn V, Or
Worst: Cesaro Vs. Zayn + Raw Booking
That’s a gentle Worst, because I get it.
This week’s opening match is f*cking SAMI ZAYN VS. CESARO, which you may remember from at least two of the top 5 best NXT matches of all time. The 2-out-of-3 falls match was so good it changed the trajectory of the entire damn promotion, and the NXT Arrival match (and its post-match hug) are almost as good.
The Miz and Kevin Owens are on commentary, and they end up getting into a fight that spills into the ring and gets the match thrown out. That of course sets up the Teddy Long Memorial Tag Team Match. Like I said, a gentle Worst. I get it. You’ve got a fatal fourway for the Intercontinental Championship happening on Sunday (and Cesaro vs. Zayn is a money, marquee 1-on-1 you want to do on a big show at some point, I’d hope) and you need to keep the feuds and alignments tangled. I just wanted to see Zayn and Cesaro wrestle again. So +1 to WWE for making heels ruin a thing I wanted and making me want to see them get their asses kicked for it.
Best: Steenerico!
The great thing about the way the No Contest Tag Team Match Continuation shakes out is that the sides get switched, and we end up getting the first-ever WWE tag team pairing of Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn. Spoiler alert: they’re still as beautiful together as they are aimed at each other.
The thing that made them so wonderful as a team on the indies is that (for the most part) Owens as a heel and Zayn was a face. They were friends, but they also kinda hated each other, but they were great together and mostly put up with it for the benefit of their shared successes. That got splintered and changed a lot, of course, but the best version of them (in my opinion) is a close approximation of what we got on Raw. Zayn and Owens hate each other more than God and the Devil, more than Indiana Jones and snakes, more than Kefka and General Leo. Still, they’re basically the dopest available wrestlers and know each other backwards and forwards, so of COURSE they’re an amazing team.
They end up winning this match by being slightly better at getting along (amazingly) than Miz and Cesaro, who are professionally arrogant and mostly indifferent toward one another and thereby not bound by this crazy destined blood rivalry that beckons them to Do This Forever. Zayn gets the pin on Miz, so Owens superkicks Zayn and yells I WON TOO. It’s so f*cking perfect, and I am 100% into the next step in the Zayn and Owens feud being them ending up teaming against their will until they remember why they were friends in the first place. Then, literally any reason why they forget again. If we ever get to see a little of this friendship they keep referencing, it’ll be more real for WWE audiences who might still not get it.
Or, hey, just have them Frye/Takayama each other to death all the time. I’m down with either.
Stupidest Best: Go On A Pleasant Vacation, OR ELSE
So we finally get the debut of The Shining Stars. Their entrance theme is called ‘Shining Star.’ The pre-theme soundbite says that you should come to Puerto Rico, the Shining Star of the Caribbean. Their finishing move is called THE SHINING STAR. I love how unfinished and absolutely directionless this entire thing feels. Imagine if Roman Reigns debuted and his theme was like, “I’M ROMAN REIGNS,” and his finisher was called THE ROMAN REIGNS. And he kept happily inviting you to meet Roman Reigns. AND HE RODE TO THE RING ON A HORSE IN A CENTURION HELMET.
They love Puerto Rico a lot, apparently — who knew? — and say that when they’re in the ring, the ring BECOMES Puerto Rico and everyone but them is a tourist. So they’re going to … I guess beat up tourists to show us why we should be Puerto Rican tourists?
Worst: Don’t Test Our Jobber Familiarity!
Their opponents are local North Carolina talents “Scott Jackson” and “Brian Kennedy,” who happen to look a lot like NXT jobber favorites John Skyler and Corey Hollis. Uh, wearing gear that have “CH” on the hip and a big “SKYLER” across the ass. I know you don’t want to mix continuities or whatever, but come on, I don’t think “these guys you’ve never heard of are FROM HERE” works the same way with 2016 Raw crowd as it did at house shows in 1985.
But yeah, The Shining Stars finish them off quickly with Total Elimmigration. Sorry, “Shining Star and his partner Shining Star shining star their opponents with The Shining Star, a tandem shining of stars.”
Worst: No Carlito, By The Way
That’s not cool.
Worst: The Golden Corral Fired-Up Wrestler Of The Night
I thought that was Damien Sandow? Oh, fired up wrestler of the night.
Note: Apollo Crews does not appear on tonight’s episode.
Worst: Losing Emma
On Smackdown, Dana Brooke pinned Becky Lynch after a (-nother) thumb to the eye from Emma. On Raw, Dana proves that she can do it by herself … because Emma is injured and has to have back surgery. That’s the worst news ever, because (1) Emma is wonderful, and (2) Emma just got some main roster momentum going again after the Great Pink Sock Debacle of 2014.
Dana got brought up to the main roster (earlier than she probably should’ve) to compensate for Naomi and Tamina’s injuries, and now Emma’s injuries got her promoted from henchperson to Full-On Feud. Dana’s gonna ride that wave of injuries to the top. John Cena’s gonna get hurt again and Dana will main-event SummerSlam against Brock Lesnar. Triple H and Stephanie will blow out their knees and Dana will end up running the company. Another limo explodes and boom, playtime is over.
Worst?: The First Ever-ish Asylum Match
The Dean Ambrose/Chris Jericho feud over dead plants and torn-up Lite Brite jackets has escalated to the point of the announcement of the first ever ASYLUM MATCH. If you’re wondering what that is, it’s a steel cage match with tchotchkes hanging over it. You can climb to the top of the cage and retrieve a deadly mop and bucket!
Ambrose comments that he’s never been inside the Asylum structure before, even though (1) it’s a steel cage with some props tied to the top, and (2) he’s standing inside of it right now. The announcement was one of those things that when they were writing it, the writers were like, “the crowd pops here, here, here and here,” and when Ambrose was reading it, he got 10 sentences into a 50 sentence announcement and realized they weren’t popping for anything.
I wish they’d announced it as a Steel Asylum match, because nothing’s more exciting than watching somebody awkwardly try to pull-up themselves out of a tiny hole for like three minutes.
Worst: Breeze-dango?
Come on, man, you’ve got to call them Fa-Breeze. Or at least “Breezy Fan.”
Best: Golden Truth Is The Longest Running Episodic Misunderstanding In Television History
Goldust and R-Truth are reaching season 8 of Three’s Company territory with their Will They Or Won’t They thing. This story’s been going on since BEFORE THE ROYAL RUMBLE. It’s been going on so long they could do an (ironic?) touching tribute recap video. These motherf*ckers could’ve teamed up to deliver the One Ring to Mt. Doom in the time it took them to team up and win a match.
They don’t even win here, which is the funny part. They finally, finally come together as a team, and their first match ends with miscommunication and a loss to the hapless, Entertainment Gimmick jokers they’d been hanging out with. I’ve gone around the spectrum and am back to loving it, if only for how epically endless their courtship has been. Seriously, I want WrestleMania 50 to open with a 60+ year old Goldust accidentally hitting 60+ year old Truth with his kneeling punch and feeling bad about it.
Best/Worst: The Transmogrifier
Here’s one of those bits I want to really like, but can’t get too into because it looks and sounds like it was written by committee. The New Day decide they can better understand the Vaudevillains if they travel back in time to the “bygone era.” That’s an AMAZING idea. They have a big refrigerator box with Becky Lynch decorations all over it and call it their “New Day-lorean Time Machine.” Also great. When they travel back in time, the camera cuts to black and white, Big E’s wearing a fake mustache and the Booty-O’s have turned into “Derriere Squares.”
The big point of the bit, though, is that the Vaudevillains belong in the bygone era because “the bygone era sucks.” Good joke, good effort. The crowd just kinda sits around watching it, and by the time Woods is upset that there are no video games, I’m super okay with the Villains showing up and beating the sh*t out of them. New Day keeps hopping back and forth over that line between characters I like and homogenized WWE babyfaces I must see destroyed. Also, +1 to the Vaudevillains for not only taking New Day to the woodshed (and throwing Woods into an empty cardboard box, which he sells), but for remaining the best at making fun of themselves.
Make Darren Young Great Again
On one hand, I love Bob Backlund more than I love most members of my family. On the other, I don’t have much to say about the Make Darren Young Great Again bits until they become something more than first draft sketch comedy on a split screen. All I want is for Titus O’Neil to get a Bernie Sanders gimmick.
Best: We’ve Seen This Before, But It’s Still Pretty Good, Or
Best: AJ Styles vs. Roman Reigns, Again
WWE hyped Raw with the announcement of The Usos vs. The Club, which is sorta like hyping a Baltimore Orioles game in the 80s with, “Cal Ripken Jr. will appear!” You’ve done the match every chance you can get, guys, in pretty much every combination. You’re building to a great Club vs. Family match that you did last week. What’s the big hook for next week, Baron Corbin vs. Dolph Ziggler?
Still, even with the general frustration that comes with watching the Usos lazily kick their way through tag matches, this was pretty good. And, like before, it got REALLY good in the post-match. I’m not a huge fan of the Club losing clean to Andy and Ollie — and I’m even less of a fan of the “people won’t remember the match so wins and losses don’t matter” talking point, because people should care about these matches and if they don’t, you should be asking yourself why you’re doing them — but it is what it is. This is all building blocks stuff to a bigger story, which is AJ Styles vs. Roman Reigns, and the Golden Truthian misunderstandings that keep them at each other’s throats.
The dick-measuring going on in these post-match confrontations is pretty awesome. Styles didn’t want to use a chair on a prone Roman Reigns because he’s a good dude who happens to be friends with jerks. The Usos are jerks who happen to be popular and treated like friends, so they did what they thought they had to do, and a big chair fight broke out. This week, Styles gets another chance with the chair and says f*ck it, but his moral compass still has him stalling long enough for Roman to recover. It ends well for him — Roman eats a Styles Clash chest-first on a chair, which … I guess he doesn’t even feel because he’s wrestling in a bulletproof vest, but whatever. The lesson has been learned: if Styles wants to beat Roman at Extreme Rules, he can’t hold back. He can’t hesitate. This guy’s recovery is maxed out, and he’ll pop up and Superman Punch you if you back off for even a second.
Real talk: the Styes/Reigns feud is probably the best thing they’ve done with the WWE World Heavyweight Championship since Rollins cashed in back at Mania 31.
Worst: The Dudleys Request Local North Carolina Talent And Don’t Get The Hardys
Come on, you could’ve gotten Shannon Moore there at least. Shannon Moore and Joey Abs dressed like they fell into, then fell out of a Gadzooks.
Best: Big Cass Is Still Rolling
Cass beats D-Von Dudley in like a minute, and while it’s nothing special (and I desperately want Enzo back, even if he just stands in the background wearing funny clothes), it’s nice to see his “holy sh*t, Big Cass” push continue. Also, responding to Steve Urkel’s “did I do that” with “yeah, ya did,” is really funny to me for some reason. Percy Watson really missed out on that “Urkel of the Squared Circle” money.
Worst: More Non-Title Losses
… and to make matters worse, it’s Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio. I wish that wasn’t a match I’d seen as many times as I have, so I could enjoy it. Del Rio brutalizing little lucha guys should be right up my alley, but it’s white noise at this point.
Best: Rusev, Though
Rusev goes Sin Cara hunting during the match, finding him watching the backstage area’s one monitor and just beating him up all the way to the ring as a distraction. Hey, it’s better than playing your music and standing still. Rusev is the best, and that Accolade he puts on Kalisto is violent. I really hope Kalisto gets one up on the Loosely Confederated League of Nations on Thursday, because Extreme Rules has promised me heart eating and I expect it to pay up.
Best/Worst: The Contract Signing
What I didn’t like:
– Natalya’s basically the third wheel to her own title challenge, which encourages Stephanie McMahon to do that thing where she steps in in God Mode and humiliates everyone. I never enjoy that, but at least the slap got a “Stephanie” chant, right? Are we building to Charlotte vs. Stephanie with Steph as the face? If we aren’t, maybe … Natalya should be doing something other than running interference to make sure Stephanie doesn’t get attacked for attacking someone? Also, negative points to Natalya for protecting a McMahon. What kind of Hart steps in to protect the McMahons? Don’t you hate them way more than you hate the Flairs?
What I liked:
– Charlotte’s general cockiness, and her bit about there being “two legends” in the ring: Ric Flair, and herself. Charlotte’s stupid amount of confidence is the best, especially since she can kinda-sorta objectively back it up. She’s been involved in 11 pay-per-views in a row, a record for women in WWE, and she’s been the Divas or Women’s Champion for most of it. PUNCH PEOPLES’ FRIENDS, CHARLOTTE.
– Charlotte being maybe the first person in WWE history to actually read the contract during a contract signing, and not blindly signing it and finding out about the swerve afterward.
– Ric flipping out about the stipulation, and Charlotte’s general frustration trying to stop him from hitting the ropes and going Full Weird Ric Flair. She’s just following him around like Cathy, screaming “ACK!” while he struts and overly preps for punching.
– Ric selling Stephanie’s slap like a knocked-out Punch-Out character. Somebody needs to add that WEE-WEE-WEEEEWWWWW noise to it.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Aces
This is bringing up memories of when my family put my great grandfather in a home.
TheGunslinger
Shane: Honestly, we didn’t think a Flair would actually read a contract.
The Real Birdman
I can’t tell who they’ll cheer unless you hover your hand over each other’s head
ccxxii
Damnit, the New Daylorean brought back Del Rio v. Kalisto.
Redshirt
Hey, Roman? John Cena called. He think you’re being unrealistically pushed too strong.
Mark Silletti
didn’t these guys leave japan to escape two superkick-spamming brothers who i hate?
Bad News Burke
The box is broken. New Day is trapped in time!
Clay Quartermain
careful, one wrong button push and they’re at Hog Wild 1996
troi
Breezeongo? They should totally be named Beautiful Dance
Stalemate Associate
The only way to win an Asylum Match is to throw a drinking fountain through the side and escape.
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