Welcome back to the Total Divas recaps! You can find our recap of the season six premiere right here if you need to get caught up, and you can find our Total Bellas recaps over here.
On with the show!
AND WE’RE OFF AND RUNNING THIS WEEK, as the very first thing we see is the first appearance of The Miz! Maryse greets him in their Los Angeles home by telling him that one of their dogs, Mocha, has just peed in front of the bed.
That’s our Mocha! [laugh track] He admonishes Mocha, and we have our next Total Divas breakout animal star.
Already better than Winston. Well, maybe.
The show begins, and Paige is backstage at Smackdown, talking to Foxy about how she’s eager to get back into the dating scene after breaking up with her fiancé she never wanted last season. This MIGHT be foreshadowing, but I haven’t really heard anything about her personal life over the past few months, so let’s all be surprised together!
Elsewhere, ICE COLD MARK CARRANO is talking to Naomi, explaining he knows she’s frustrated with creative, but unfortunately they’re not going to able to do anything else with her for about three or four more weeks. But there’s a silver lining, because if they’re not going to be doing anything with her, they might as well put her in a movie!
She’s going to be in The Marine 5! Co-starring with The Miz! No word on if Summer Rae will return. Gotta be honest: the possibility that someone might walk up to you at any time and say “We’re putting you in a movie” is probably a pretty good perk of the job. Naomi asks Maryse how she feels about her kicking The Miz’s ass. Maryse says “good luck with that” and makes what I’m hoping is the first of many Maryse faces.
Maryse gives us an official introduction to The Miz and says he’s very sweet and romantic in real life.
Back in Phoenix, Brie is waiting for her pregnancy results because she’s two weeks late. All of the home tests are negative, so she went to her doctor and had blood tests done. The tests come back negative, so they have to try again next month. She and Bryan then creep out JJ by talking about cervical mucus. Grow up, JJ.
In LA, Eva Marie is here! She is getting Maryse on board with her hair extensions line. Eva trips out about Miz and Maryse’s house, because it’s BALLER AS HELL.
Miz and Maryse have been together for nine years, but have only been married for two. Maryse and Miz like to invest, and they actually flip houses. DEAR GOD HGTV PLEASE DO A MIZ AND MARYSE HOUSE-FLIPPING SHOW I WILL PAY ANY SUM.
Back at Naomi’s house, her and Jon go over her lines for the movie. Naomi reads that her character, Murphy, rides in on a Harley-Davidson, so she feels she needs to learn how to ride a motorcycle.
Eva and Maryse go to a shelter, and Maryse falls in love with one, so she is going to surprise Miz with yet another animal in their house.
Their existing animals are named Pumpkin, Spice, Mocha, and Latte, by the way. In case you were worried they weren’t Miz and Maryse enough already.
Brie and Nikki are in LA to do a photo shoot with Lana, Renee, and Paige. Brie says it’s her rock star weekend, and she’s gonna go into Brie Mode since she’s not pregnant. Brie springs for a cabana, and then Nikki gives her crap because she’s wearing a thong, and dares her to walk around the pool in said thong. I mean … I’m sure they’ve been on live TV in skimpier clothing at some point. But yeah, sweet dare Nikki.
On their way back from the shelter, Maryse and Eva Marie realize they have a red carpet tonight, so they can’t really just stash the new dog, Luna, at the house for Miz to come home to a a surprise. So Luna is coming to the red carpet with them! They’re at the house getting their hair and makeup done before the red carpet, when Mike comes home unexpectedly. MARYSE, YOU GOT SOME MIZ-SPLAINING TO DO.
They’re able to smuggle the dog out of the house without Miz seeing, and they take it to the red carpet, where Luna promptly takes dumps on said red carpet.
Nikki, Lana and Brie go out to dinner after a long day of drinking. Brie talks about the tattoo she’s going to get tomorrow to celebrate her WWE career. Nikki astutely points out that Brie’s getting all her reckless behavior out now before she’s a mom. Then they all toast to MILFs.
Back at Maryse’s house, she finally springs the new dog on Miz. He’s thrilled!
Wait, not thrilled. The other thing. He’s bummed as he talks to her about how she KNEW that she’d get a new dog if she went to the shelter, but she went anyway. They try to hold their two small dogs near each other as the big dog circles them and barks. They then realize how bad this is going to suck in a real Arrested Development sort of way.
Jon and Naomi go to a motorcycle shop to try and figure out her style, and also to make in-roads on how she can learn to ride a bick. Naomi gives her ponytail to Jon so she can try on a helmet and it is amazing.
Naomi reveals that she’s actually afraid of motorcycles, like a sensible person. She has a friend who got hit on a motorcycle and lost his leg, so she’s always associated motorcycles with “disfigurement.”
In LA, MORE PUPPIES as Renee brings her dog along to the photo shoot.
Yesssss. The five ladies head out to Santa Monica for a day of hangouts and photo shoots. Paige and Renee encounter a couple on the beach making out and dry-humping and they applaud a job well done.
I can’t believe we’ve gotten to season six, episode three and this is the first instance of the term “dry-hump.” The bikini photo shoot commences, with Lana clad in an American flag bathing shoot, for good measure. Brie pulls the photographer aside and asks for some very glamorous solo shots, to commemorate her pre-baby body. Both the photographer and Nikki tell Brie to chillax, as she’ll still love her body after she has a kid. They take the photos anyway!
Jon gets Trinity a surprise: a little baby bike to practice her motorcycle riding skills on. She hops on and promptly lays it down.
It’s not quite Paige wiping out on a Harley, but Trin gets very pissed that she could have gotten seriously hurt right before the movie starts filming. She’s stressed out about the movie and feels unprepared, and she’s worried that Jon isn’t taking it seriously.
Maryse and Miz are on their way to check out a potential house to flip. On the way, Maryse says she wants to have another wedding to renew their vows, and she would do it every year if she could. Miz jokes about how she just likes to throw money away. The house they’re looking at is in a seedy (kinda) neighborhood and doesn’t look super great!
That’s pretty much what the whole house looks like. Maryse tries hard to sell Miz on it, but he realizes it’s basically a tear-down. Maryse insists she knows what she’s doing, but Miz says the only good thing about it is the pool, and she’s not going to make money on it. That’s when she reveals she already bought the house!
Whoops! He asks her how much she paid for it, and she says $390,000. They wanted $400,000, though! So she got a deal on it!
She says that her contractor, her carpenter, everyone is on board. He’s bummed that she spent the money, but also that she consulted her whole team first before telling him. She says, well, it’s our house now, and we have to make our money back on it, so tough titty. I … I guess that’s fair?
Paige, Renee, Lana, and the Bellas go out to dinner. Brie says they need to come with her when she gets her tattoo so they can find a guy for Paige at the same time. Brie says she and Renee have been wanting to get tattoos forever. Nikki says she can’t get a tattoo, because Bryan would be upset, and she also just can’t. Brie says nuts to this, we’re getting the tattoos tonight.
Brie accuses Nikki of being her mom, and Nikki says if she wants to get the tattoo, she has to call Bryan and tell him first. Brie says if she knew Nikki was going to be a downer, she wouldn’t have invited her on her rock star weekend. Nikki says they can still go out and have fun after she has kids, and this is a revelation to Brie. Fine, she won’t get the tattoo then. Sheesh.
Miz and Maryse go to dinner before he leaves for a month and a half to film The Marine 5, but they’re still pissed at each other. He insists they need to communicate better about big expenses and wonders what else she’s going to get up to while he’s gone. He had always told himself he wouldn’t get married, because his parents got divorced due to lack of communication. He’s frustrated that he and Maryse were always able to talk before they got married, and now things are worse. She explains that she’s used to growing up having to be the adult and make the decisions. Miz just wants to make their relationship better. She admits she was wrong and should have asked him. Things once again work out just a few minutes before the episode is over! So weird!
Before Naomi leaves for the movie, Jon shows up to apologize and make nice with some flowers and a nice card, like a sweet guy do.
He signs the card “your hunchies of bunchies,” so he remains the best. He also tells her he booked a flight to visit her on set and lend her confidence. She says she’s so excited she could give him a baby right now.
Maryse’s sister and nephew visit them in LA and Maryse decides to give Luna to them! Miz is extremely relieved. So no more Luna! But they probably have more than enough dogs left. And then Miz shows off his French.
That’s it! Next week: Paige gets a new boyfriend! I’m sure that will work out well.
