‘Total Divas’ Recap: Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Welcome back to the Total Divas recaps! You can find our recap of the season six premiere right here if you need to get caught up, and you can find ourTotal Bellas recaps over here.

On with the show!

We open with Monday Night Raw in New Orleans and a totally badass show of Miz and Maryse walking in slow-mo backstage, whichis usually just how I picture them in my mind’s eye. #RelationshipGoals and whatnot.

Backstage, Renee and Paige catch up. Paige has just moved in with Alberto Del Rio, and her lactose intolerance is giving her problems, because she’s reluctant to poop in the same house as Del Rio. That’s true love, baby!

Brie and Bryan go out to lunch elsewhere, because they’re about to go visit Renee and Dean Ambrose in their new place together in Las Vegas. Okay, this might be phenomenal.

In Nashville(???) Lana and Rusev are about to go wedding dress shopping, and we meet Lana’s mom and dad for the first time. Lana’s dad is … not at all what I was expecting.

Lana’s mom prays for them before they go dress shopping, because Lana is from a very religious family (!) and grew up in Russia while her family was on a mission(!!!). Rusev declines from participating in the wedding dress prayer. It turns out that Lana’s parents and brother actually live with them in Nashville in a big-ass house.

Rusev terrorizes Lana’s mom with his loud sports car, and shows off his hot-ass thigh meat at the dress store. He’s thinking about wearing shorter shorts. Probably a wise move.

Lana tells us that she hasn’t broken the news to Rusev yet that they won’t be able to have a traditional Bulgarian wedding.

Backstage at WWE, Maryse receives a call from her mom in LA, saying someone is trying to get into their house.

Miz checks out the remote security cameras and they see said burglar lurking about the premises.

They yell at her mom to call the cops and wait on the line until they arrive, at which point the dastardly burglar is no longer visible on any of the security cameras. Maryse is still very shaken up about everything.

Elsewhere backstage, Rusev sits Lana down for a serious talk and tells her he wants to have a wedding in Bulgaria. He’ll figure out the time, he just wants them to do it, because his mom wants this real bad. Also, Rusev is totally charming and wonderful and I hope these two get their own True Rusevs spinoff.

Later, Miz, Maryse, and Maryse’s sister go out to dinner in Los Angeles with Paige and some other friends. Paige is actually drinking wine instead of Jack and Coke, because she wants to stay classy. Miz and Maryse tell the harrowing story of their burglar-lurkin’. Maryse says she’s thinking of getting a gun, and Miz and Paige think that’s a terrible idea.

Maryse says she’s seriously scared, and she doesn’t want to be home alone with Miz filming a movie in Vancouver and a b-b-b-burg-you-lur in the loose. Miz and Paige shut down the gun idea and suggest they’ll use their finishing wrestling moves on that nefarious criminal, instead.

In Nashville, Rusev’s mom is coming for a visit, and Lana is concerned about what she’ll think, since she’s very traditional, and traditional couples don’t have a stripper pole in their house. She is, however, completely unconcerned about showing off that stripper pole for her PASTOR-DAD.

Hey, Pastor-Dad gives it a go, too!

Although he says he “hurt his privates” by getting too close to the pole. They take the pole down just as Rusev’s mother arrives. Since Bulgarian is a Russian dialect, Lana can more or less talk to Rusev’s mother in her native language, but Mama Ru probably speaks better English than Lana speaks Bulgarian.

Lana explains that they’re having a barbecue, which is being catered by a chef. Mama Ru is perplexed why Lana wouldn’t make lunch for everyone, but they’re interrupted by the stripper pole TOTALLY RANDOMLY AND UNPLANNED falling down and making a noise upstairs. Mama Ru wonders what the pole is, and Rusev explains it’s to hold up the wall. Lana’s missionary family helpfully goes along with the lie, saying that all the houses in the area have those. Wall poles. Lana’s family is so weird, and I think I love them.

Elsewhere/when, Brie and Bryan arrive at Renee and Dean’s place in Las Vegas. (I like to call it Lost Wages.) Renee doesn’t have any friends in Vegas, so she’s very excited to have this foursome. Not sexually. Dean arrives and they all sit down to have a light lunch, and Brie asks if Nicole can stay there, too. Dude, Brie, you’re a twin and all, but not cool.

Renee says there is another room, but there’s nothing in it. She says she can grab a couple things so she can feel comfortable. Bryan is like, “Nah, you don’t gotta do that,” but Renee feels bad that she got everything set up for Brie and Bryan with gift baskets and stuff, but didn’t do anything for Nikki. Renee, seriously, it’s okay that you only did stuff for the people you actually invited to your house. Dean tries to say it’s all good, because they have whiskey, and Nikki probably loves whiskey.

Dean says Renee is bringing stress and negativity to the house and to his special bar area. As Renee leaves the house to get Nikki some stuff, Nikki arrives. Very convenient! Brie, as she is wont to do, tries to guilt trip Nikki about the stress that Brie inadvertently caused.

At the Rusevs’, Lana is called upon to explain to Mama Ru that the wedding will be in the United States. Mama Ru explains the Bulgarian wedding traditions. They seem so great.

Out of context Mama Ru! Lana explains her dream has always been to have a beach wedding ever since she was a little girl, so they’re going to get married in Malibu. Mama Ru replies, “No way.” Yo, step off, Mama Ru.

In Los Angeles, Maryse is having her first night by herself after Miz leaves, so she invites Eva Marie for a sleepover and is walking around the house holding a golf club. Eva Marie suggests they booby-trap the house, Home Alone-style. They set up tripwires that accidentally make the doors easier to open, so they finally realize they’re bad at rigging Kevin McAllister-style pranks.

Eva Marie also suggests Maryse get a gun, because Eva Marie is a terrible role model. She says she and Jonathan had a gun argument a while back, but she went to a range and got certified and whatnot, and she knows a good place to get a gun. Spoiler: it’s a gun store. Maryse says they’ll go tomorrow, and then they trip on the marbles they set up on the stairs. The Aristocrats!

Back in Las Vegas, the whole gang is on their way to an excursion, when Dean reveals Renee thought The Martian was based on a true story. Nicole commiserates, because she thought the same thing!

BRIE: You know, Nicole thought Harry Potter was based on a true story.
NIKKI: I have a great reason for that.
BRYAN:

This show is finally getting back in top form and I am so thankful. The group’s destination is a gigantic offroad course, where they can drive ATVs and ride in monster trucks. But Nikki can’t do any of that, because of her neck injury, so she goes to the bar to drink. Renee feels bad, but she probably shouldn’t, because Nikki wasn’t actually inviiiited.

The monster truck ride seemed really fun though!

At Rusev and Lana’s house, the happy couple pretends to rock each other like tiny babies in their enormous bed.

I take it all back. THESE are the relationship goals. Rusev starts trying to convince Lana’s pastor-dad that a Bulgarian wedding is a good idea, so Lana is peeved. And anyway, Rusev hasn’t even asked her pastor-dad’s permission to marry her. Why should she respect his traditions when he doesn’t respect hers? Rusev is super good at listening to all of this.

Bless you, you beautiful beast.

Eva Marie and Maryse go to the shooting range for Maryse’s first time firing a gun. Maryse is surprised to find actual assault rifles in a gun store. Welcome to America, Maryse!

MAYBE IN FRANCE THEY ONLY HAVE BAGUETTES IN GUN SHOPS, BUT YOU’RE ON ‘MURICA’S TURF NOW. [note: Maryse is Canadian]

It turns out Maryse is a gun natural and squeezes off an immediate headshot. She really likes the gun, and really wants to get one, but she knows Miz won’t approve.

In Vegas, Dean and Renee are grilling up a big dinner for everyone and Renee is still concerned about making everything perfect for everyone. She declines help from all her guests while she tries to look up “how to grill a whole salmon” on Pinterest. The next day, Brie finally gets Renee to unwind and go have a relaxing day and chill the heck out for a change.

What a good friend! Except for adding to her stress level by surprise-inviting another person!

Backstage at WWE in Norfolk, Maryse talks to Paige and Eva Marie about how she got a gun and a license, but still hasn’t told Mike yet.

Lana and Rusev go out to lunch with pastor-dad and RuRu is still trying to lean on her dad about the Bulgarian wedding. But then he SWERVES her by asking pastor-dad for Lana’s hand in marriage. Lana, of course, appreciates the gesture, which he does in the most Rusev way possible. GIVE HIM HIS OWN SHOW I SWEAR TO GOD.

Back in Vegas, Brie and Renee go to the hotel Nikki has absconded to, and do a double-whammy of letting Renee relax and letting Nikki feel wanted by having a pool day. Everybody wins!

Maryse FaceTimes Mike and finally comes clean about buying a gun. In another SWERVE, Miz had been asking the Marine 5 guy about a good gun for Maryse and was going to buy her one anyway. Cute, I guess?

Back at Nashville, Lana and Rusev have decided to have two weddings: one in Malibu and one in Bulgaria. Everyone is happy about it!

And that does it! See you next week, when we visit the set of The Marine 5 and the Bellas take IQ tests. I CANNOT WAIT.