The 2017 WWE Royal Rumble finally — FINALLY — goes down on Sunday, and things have never been more up in the air about who might win the beloved, titular 30-man match. So we decided to get down to the nitty gritty and attempt to get some spoilers on this bad boy the only way we know how: by creating a replica version of the Rumble match in WWE 2K17 and seeing what a robot brain thinks about the angry beefmen who will be vying for a main event match at WrestleMania.
To start with, I simulated the Royal Rumble five times in Universe mode, the only “true” simulation of the Rumble available in the game. The five winners the game came up with: Brock Lesnar, Cesaro, Cesaro, The Undertaker, and The Undertaker.
But the process of doing a pure sim of the Rumble in Universe mode was nearly as time-consuming as just simulating the Rumble via exhibition mode, as the Universe calendar begins in April, and you must wait for the game to simulate three-quarters of a year of matches and storylines in order to simulate the Rumble match in the calendar year. So I decided to roll my sleeves up and dive in, simulating three 30-man Royal Rumble matches in real time, thanks to the glory of WWE 2K17.
I endeavored to make the Rumble match participants as close to real life as anyone can determine a few days out from the Royal Rumble. My Royal Rumble roster was constructed as follows:
- The 22 announced participants (The Undertaker, Goldberg, Brock Lesnar, Big Show, Dean Ambrose, The Miz, Sami Zayn, Dolph Ziggler, Big E, Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton, Luke Harper, Braun Strowman, Chris Jericho, Baron Corbin, Cesaro, Sheamus, Big Cass, Rusev, and Mojo Rawley)
- Kurt Angle
- Tye Dillinger (there was no way to make him No. 10 in each simulation unless I played as him, but the sentiment was there)
- Finn Bálor
- Samoa Joe
- Triple H (because Seth Rollins needs something to do)
- JBL (taking up the memorial Jerry Lawler/Booker T/Michael Cole “the announcer is in the match” spot)
- Tatanka (taking up the memorial “hilariously in-shape Legend” spot)
- Kenny Omega (because it’s definitely not happening, but his avatar serves to represent the true unknown)
In each simulation, I selected Brock Lesnar as my playable character, with a random entry spot. I decided to try and suplex everyone until Goldberg or Undertaker was in the ring with me, and I’m bad enough at video games that I feel my participation is a good substitute for computer simulation. Also, Rumble eliminations are determined by the notoriously impossible WWE 2K17 minigames, so I had basically zero chance of eliminating anyone or staving off elimination. So there.
I chose “rematch” for the first two simulations, to not have to reassemble the roster, but it meant the draw was the same for those two. Since it seems impossible for someone to win a 2K 30-man Rumble entering within the top, say, 20, I mixed it up for the following three simulations.
Mojo Rawley and Dean Ambrose drew Nos. 1 and 2, which is hilarious. Cesaro was the first person eliminated, which is way too real. Luke Harper and Randy Orton were focused on each other, which I appreciated, and Harper ended up eliminating the Apex Predator. My Lesnar avatar entered at No. 11, right after Kurt Angle, so we immediately mixed it up, because God is good. Lesnar battered Angle pillar to post, but Big E interrupted an elimination attempt, so I hit Big E with an F5 and was promptly eliminated by Angle. Just like real life! Goldberg was in at No. 16, shortly after Lesnar was eliminated. Whoops! Kenny Omega and Finn Bálor ended up in the ring together, right before Bálor eliminated Goldberg. It was at this point that I realized this simulation was awesome.
The first and current Bullet Club leaders then turned their attention on each other, and Kenny Omega eliminated the Demon King before attacking Big Cass, while JBL and Tatanka tussled and the crowd chanted for Triple H. This … was probably way more accurate than I wanted it to be. Omega got dumped by Cass, and Undertaker was in at No. 23. Triple H had so much trouble with JBL that he had to remove the turnbuckle pad and whip him into it. The Cerebral Assassin! That somehow didn’t stop JBL from eliminating Big Cass and Xavier Woods before finally getting dumped by the Undertaker.
Tye Dillinger was in at No. 25 and immediately started punching his NXT boss, Triple H, in the face, but was eventually eliminated by Hunter, Taker, and Sheamus. Undertaker powerbombed Rusev right the hell out of the ring, which is probably the most accurate part of this simulation overall. Sami Zayn eliminated Triple H, which was definitely the video game knowing that Seth Rollins will arrive to cost Triple H the match after Zayn took Rollins’ spot. Spooky! Big Show entered at No. 30 and eliminated the Undertaker, so prepare yourselves for a three-way match at WrestleMania between Show, Taker, and Shaq.
Our final four for the first simulation: Big Show, Braun Stowman, Bray Wyatt, and Sami Zayn. Just like WWE drew it up. Bray dumped Zayn, leaving Show in there with two erstwhile Wyatt Family members. Show hit Strowman with his own running powerslam and I began to wonder if my PS4 was possessed by the ghosts of actual WWE bookers. Strowman eliminated Big Show, then Wyatt and Strowman went toe to toe until Wyatt dumped Braun for the right to point at the WrestleMania sign.
The first notable difference in the second simulation was Jericho and Cesaro just deciding to chill out in the middle of the ring for a cool 45 seconds. Cesaro fared better the second time around, managing to be SECOND elimination, after Rawley. As Lesnar, I once again attempted to go after Angle, but The Miz wouldn’t let me, so I picked up my first elimination by dumping The Miz. I then teamed up with Kofi Kingston to dump Angle, and teamed up with Baron Corbin to dump Kofi. Them’s the breaks! Finally, Lesnar and Goldberg managed to be in the ring together. Lesnar twice went for the F5 on Goldberg, only to be interrupted by Big E both times, and Goldberg and Big E wore down Lesnar enough for Goldberg to dump him. WrestleMania rematch intact!
Triple H spent some quality time beating on Goldberg, then dumped both him and Undertaker. Rusev managed to get eliminated by Tatanka, really taking the humiliation factor up a notch. Of course, then Tatanka eliminated Triple H, so maybe life DOES find a way. The unstoppable Tatanka, who also outlasted Bray Wyatt, finally managed to get eliminated by a Sami Zayn dropkick.
And your second final four: Big Show, Braun Strowman, Sheamus, and … Xavier Woods. Perfect. [kisses fingers like Italian chef] Sheamus dumped Strowman, then he and Show teamed up to dump Xavier Woods. Mere seconds later, Sheamus got Big Show onto the apron and finished him with an anticlimactic punch to the side of the head. Your winner of the 2017 Royal Rumble: Sheamus.
On to the third simulation! Lesnar actually drew No. 1 this time around, starting off with Bray Wyatt. Lesnar beat the absolute stuffing out of Wyatt until JBL entered at No. 5 and went right after Brock, presumably as revenge for what he did to Michael Cole? Lesnar dumped Wyatt, then teamed up with Jericho to dump Orton. I also took it upon myself to dump JBL before he did serious damage again, for the good of the team. Mojo Rawley started eliminating multiple people, and Lesnar once again found himself in the ring with both Goldberg and Angle. Dean Ambrose came to Goldberg’s rescue and ate an F5 on his behalf, then Goldberg eliminated Lesnar.
A short while later, Dean Ambrose, the big hero, dumped Goldberg. It just goes to show you: never trust Dean Ambrose. As an aside: even virtually, it’s super weird to see Xavier Woods working a neck crank on the Undertaker. It’s even weirder to see Woods eliminate Taker, and that’s what happened. He also eliminated Big Cass. Xavier Woods: secret 2K ringer. I blame UpUpDownDown.
Cesaro made it to mid-match this time (because he entered a third of the way through) before being eliminated by Luke Harper. Triple H entered at No. 23, with Tatanka, Dillinger, and Woods in the ring; the traditional “Hulk Hogan wastes some chumps” spot. So naturally, Tatanka spent the next six minutes annihilating Triple H before eliminating him. Then Tatanka eliminated Samoa Joe.
Dillinger was in there forever, and spent most of his time in the match with his kneepad around his ankle after hitting the Tye Breaker on Woods. Watching Computer Dillinger in this simulation was probably the highlight of the entire enterprise. He also managed to toss Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus as Big E entered at No. 30.
Your third final four: Big Show, Braun Strowman, Big E and Tye Dillinger. Strowman finally dumped Dillinger and ended the dream. Show once more hit the powerslam on Braun, because WWE 2K17 is petty.
Sweet can!
The final three went on for what felt like an eternity until Big E eliminated Big Show. BIG ON BIG VIOLENCE. At least Big Cass wasn’t there to see it. Braun managed to toss Big E and stand alone, in the most realistic result thus far.
So there you have it, everyone: definitive proof that someone is going to win the Royal Rumble. The game, for whatever reason, favors Undertaker, Cesaro, and the Wyatt Family. None of that really seems too far off. Except the Cesaro part. Cesaro isn’t winning the 2017 Royal Rumble match. Sorry, everyone. There’s always next year.
Keep your eye on Undertaker and the Wyatts, according to this video game we just played. Also according to the video game: Mojo Rawley and Xavier Woods are going to absolutely wreck shop on certified legends and main event wrestlers. And if Tatanka actually ends up in the match, hold onto your hat.
Happy Rumbling, everyone!
