Previously on The Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Braun Strowman continued his ambulance-based assault against Roman Reigns, Enzo and Big Cass made up and then broke up again, and LaVar Ball brought the kind of mainstream media attention that only a celebrity child dropping the N-word on live television can provide.
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And now, The Best and Worst of WWE Raw for July 3, 2017.
Best: When Cass’ Boot Hits Your Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie, That’s Amore
So far Raw is batting 1.000 with the breakup of Enzo Amore and Big Cass. Like a lot of people, Enzo Amore went from being one of my favorite characters in wrestling to the most obnoxious possible version of that character. Brandon summed it up pretty succinctly last week, but the level of nuance they’ve shown so far in this feud is leaps and bounds better than anything I can remember in recent history.
On to the promo. Enzo starts by listing what an interesting year he’s had so far (conveniently leaving out the parts about repeatedly sexually harassing a married woman and trying to fuck a bucket of chicken) and then goes in hard on Cass. This is a classic Enzo promo -– one that’s very entertaining but also goes on way too long. How many times did he almost start quoting Chumbawamba? Three? He did have some great lines along the way. Calling Big Cass nothing but “a seven-foot catchphrase that I wrote” is one of the harshest lines I’ve heard since Dean Ambrose’s “Have fun being the guy playing John Cena on TV.” And I feel like “Casshole” is going to be a chant that sticks with Cass for the next forever
Loved Charley interviewing Cass backstage. “Hey, Enzo just tore you apart for like fifteen minutes straight. Thoughts?” I don’t know how they’re going to work in the ring on Sunday, but I’m very excited to see where this story does.
Speaking of not working in the ring …
Worst: Bayley This Continues To Be Your Life
Up next we have No. 1 contender Sasha Banks and Bayley taking on Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss and Nia Jax. Sasha said on Twitter that she’s not scared of some little girl who plays wrestler, and that’s good, because she’s teaming with one today. It wasn’t too long ago that Bayley was my absolute favorite wrestler in the company, and now she just seems so lost. I feel like I’m watching Bayley’s weekly existential crisis.
After a few Erik Wattsian drop kicks, Nia Jax does us all a favor and takes her out of the match. The match continues as a 2-on-1, with Sasha Banks beating the Women’s Champion and the dominant monster who eliminated four women in the historic gauntlet match last week. By herself.
I don’t want to say the build for this title match wasn’t great, but any time you have to find a No. 1 contender two weeks before a pay-per-view, it probably wasn’t the highest priority when putting the show together.
Purple Ropes Part One
Worst: Fight Forever?
This week, Cedric Alexander and Noam Dar continue their feud, which started sometime during the Carter administration. I like how this match starts with both men saying “This feud is over please let us stop” and ends with the feeling that this is far from over. They had a perfectly cromulent two-minute match, which I’m glad at least ended in the false distraction roll-up finish.
Best: MizTV
I loved so much about this.
First, the Miz-tourage. You know, Curtis Axel turned into a young Arn Anderson so gradually, I didn’t even notice. And Bo Dallas keeps adding more and more ridiculous accessories like some kind of wrestling Starburns. By SummerSlam I want him in a top hat and a lizard.
The real meat and potatoes of this segment was The Miz coming out and shitting all over Dean Ambrose. If you thought Enzo was dropping some bombs. After Miz is finished, Dean Ambrose appears to say “Yeah, you’re right, but let’s do this anyway.” Luckily The One Man Band Heath Slater comes out to save us. He has kids, and he’s tired of lying to them about the booking hierarchy on Raw, so he needs a title shot. That brings out Kurt Angle who decides that both Heath Slater and Dean Ambrose get titles shots, the first of which is happening right now playa.
Best: This Match
This was a great match. We’re over an hour and fifteen minutes into Raw at this point, and have had twelve minutes of barely-passable wrestling, so this match felt like a revelation. Miz having to fight in dress clothes (and splitting his pants halfway through) gave you the feeling that even though you knew there was no way Heath was winning, maybe he might?
Heath Slater has been one of my favorite wrestlers since NXT Season One (Yellow Ropes Forever) and I hope he ends up getting an IC run eventually. Plus, who do I need to talk to about getting an “I’m With Heath” shirt?
And as a personal aside, I need to talk about Kurt Angle for a second. I’m happy that he has gotten his life on track and is back in the WWE where he belongs, but I’ll never forgive him for that time he screamed at me when I was just trying to do my job.
Twenty takes and that was the best one.
Best: Everyone’s A Critic
First of all, a big shout-out to Goldust for taking the time to thank all the below-the-line talent on his latest masterpiece. “The Shattered Truth” opened to 18,000 people in Phoenix, which I think will still be a bigger opening than Valerian.
I got a film degree from California State University – Los Angeles, so you can take my word for it that we just witnessed a work of art. Truth didn’t seem to be a fan of the film, but I think he might have missed some of the subtext.
I’m sure this will continue next week with R-Truth premiering a film of his own, and even if it’s not great, I’m just glad to see an avenue for independent short films in the mainstream media.
Worst: Curt Freakin’ Hawkins
Seth Rollins is out to continue his feuds with Bray Wyatt and theism as a whole, but first he needs to take care of Curt “Already In The Ring” Hawkins again. Woof.
Best: Joe Vs. Brock In An Interview Match
The last few weeks have made Samoa Joe look like the biggest bad-ass around. I think a lot of people thought when Joe won the title shot that he was just going to be a placeholder opponent until Roman or Braun or somebody not named Samoa Joe could be a real challenger at SummerSlam, but the last three weeks have completely shattered that opinion.
I also love Brock on the mic. I feel like the powers that be don’t think he’s great, so they give him Heyman and pre-tape all of his promos, but dismissive, this-is-beneath-me Brock Lesnar is awesome. Joe’s explaining clearly how he’s going to destroy Brock, and Brock is two seconds from asking Paul where he wants to get dinner after the show. Here’s a guy who choked Brock out last week, who headbutted him and kicked his face in the week before, and Brock is still treating him like he’s just some guy because those were all just cheap shots. I still don’t think that Samoa Joe is taking the title on Sunday, but I want to see that cocky, overconfident Brock take a hard shot to the face early and realize that maybe this guy is a threat after all.
Also, “Daniel Bryan -– I did him. AJ Styles -– I did him. Roman Reigns -– I did him. Seth Rollins -– I did him” Are we not doing “phrasing” anymore? And did they really fly Brock all the way out to Phoenix just to do a backstage interview?
Purple Ropes Part Two
Best: The King Stay The King
Mustafa Ali is one of the best talents WWE has, and the kind of guy you can build the entire division around, but he got fucking rocked in this one and it was great. After hitting some great spots, including a nasty DDT, the story of the match becomes “Mustafa Ali is concussed and Neville is going to kill him.” It’s a shame Neville/Tozawa is relegated to the pre-show, but I’m sure we’re going to need all of that time for Bray Wyatt’s spooky shenanigans.
Speaking of that …
Worst: Shooting B-Roll In The Desert
How gross did Bray’s hat smell by the end of that shoot?
Best: Big Bálor Brand
Finn Bálor v.s Cesaro was always going to get a Best from me. They could have gotten the same two minutes Noam Dar and Cedric had, and I still would have given it a begrudging Best. I also loved Michael Cole acting surprised at having guests when two empty chairs showed up at the desk during the commercial break.
I popped big when the Hardyz showed up at WrestleMania and won the titles, but now all I can think is get Broken or get off the pot. We’re going to have a 30-minute Iron Man (Iron Men?) match at Great Balls of Fire, which I’m dreading will end in a draw and lead to a Three Stages of Hell match down the line, which will also somehow end in a draw. I’m a simple man. I just want to see Matt Hardy play an exquisite xylophone.
Finn and Cesaro are having a great back-and-forth match, and just as Finn is getting ready to maybe put things away, out comes Elias Samson, who is easily my favorite person on the show. I don’t know why I never thought of it before, but “guy who plays acoustic guitar and makes you listen to him” is the biggest heel in the world. I just wish we could have gotten a full performance this week. The Hardyz involve themselves and the schmozz is on.
Also, when did Cesaro get downgraded from the Swiss Superman to the Swiss Cyborg? If this trend continues, I look forward to seeing the Swiss Swamp Thing sooner rather than later.
Best: RIP Apollo
Before the ersatz main event, an ambulance backs up by the stage, which raises some questions. It has California plates, so … is it the same ambulance from last week? Did Braun steal the ambulance? I like to think Braun has been freelancing as an ambulance driver between for the past week around the great Southwest.
Titus WORLDWIDE is in the main event of Raw, so we’re going to make it a win, even though it ends with Apollo Crews being banished to the spirit world. Apollo looked good holding his own against Strowman for a bit in the match, but the COUNTRY STRENGTH was too much for him. After a brief hope spot following a Titus pep talk, Apollo went for a standing moonsault and gets kicked in mid air halfway across the ring. It was impressive and scary. After a couple of running powerslams and head licks, Braun mercifully ends the beatdown. Titus still sees an opportunity to make it a win, so he gets in the ring with Braun, and things go just about how you’d expect.
Braun didn’t drive an ambulance all the way from California to not use it to hurt someone, so he takes Apollo to the stage to shove him in the back. When the driver (wait, is Braun also hiring drivers now?) doesn’t drive away, he goes to investigate, which leads to …
Best: What A Swerve!
Roman was here the whole time! He wanted to get his revenge on Braun Strowman, but thought it would be good to first let him make an orphan out of Apollo Crews’ daughter. (I assume the mother will die from grief.) The two hosses take it to the stage, where Roman drives him into the video screen and then spears him off the stage into conveniently-set-up tables and cardboard boxes. That’s barely enough to incapacitate Braun, though, and Raw ends with both men unable to keep the other down.
And that’s the go-home for Great Balls of Fire. Don’t worry, Brandon will be back soon, unless he disappears mysteriously in an abandoned amusement park.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
pdragon
Titus and Apollo: What the hell man? what where you doing while we were in trouble?
Tozawa: (suddenly in perfect english) well, NOT dying for one, some of us actually have a match on Sunday to prepare for.
The Real Birdman
“I still need to go to the hospital guys” – Apollo Crews
Cami
Roman is a dick. A true face would’ve driven Apollo to the hospital.
Mark Silletti
“Now would be a good time to sell.” That’s not a stock tip, Corey’s just trying to remind Titus.
NotACrook
Every time I hear that siren, for a brief second, I think this is finally the return of Scott Steiner. Every time, I am disappointed.
Nippopotamus
Bray relating himself to Prometheus is absolutely perfect. Prometheus took L’s for all of eternity.
Kevin Nash Booked This
“Best Apes film yet.”
That’s really not saying much.
Amaterasu’s Son
Bray Wyatt: Out of the Swamp and into the Desert.
He’s goin ALL TERRAIN
Clay Quartermain
Bray Wyatt is responsible for the “This is your life ” segment
Thrillhouse
All I can think about in this Bray promo is how excruciatingly uncomfortable it has to be wearing a leather hat out in the desert.
