The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 5/9

By: 05.10.11  •  27 Comments

Best: John Cena Likes Zack Ryder

I like him, too! Zack Ryder has become the first New Media WWE Superstar, and if he’s popular enough to stay employed and keep getting paid but unpopular enough to never be on television, I say good for him. He gets the Beth Phoenix job coast, where he doesn’t have to do anything and still gets ten years of groupies and huge houses. Not that Beth Phoenix gets groupies. That world would be too beautiful to live in.

As for now, he gets a bunch of front row fan signs, he gets to pump his fist in onscreen cameos because people like Cena (but not The Rock) like him, and he occasionally gets to kick ass against somebody like Yoshi Tatsu (or whoever) on Superstars. That’s a good life. You know it.

Worst: Santino Has Three Moves, Total

When Santino first got the Cobra over as a thing and was the 39th person eliminated from the Royal Rumble, I convinced myself that he was going somewhere, and that he was living up to that impossible precedent he set for himself as a low-level comedy creep. The Cobra started showing up in every match — even Tamina was doing it — and I laughed. Then he stopped wrestling (almost entirely) so he could just stomp into the ring and do the Cobra, and I made an unpleasant face and realized the Creative Monster that we’d helped create by enjoying him. Dolph Ziggler had the easiest job of the night: take Santino’s hip toss (one move), try to hit him and miss because of a James Brown split (two moves), and try to avoid move three, a poke to the head with fingers. He did that, and was able to win in about a minute forty.

Santino Marella is now Bachman Turner Overdrive, and the WWE Universe is Homer Simpson, yelling “GET TO THE WORKING OVERTIME PART.”

Worst: Why is Everybody So Orange

I guess there’s one day every few months when the ol’ Tanning Spray Truck backs up to a WWE Arena, and Vince McMahon opens it up and starts windmilling his arm, yelling COME AND GET IT, BOYS. Mason Ryan breaks a bottle of it over his head, and Dolph Ziggler starts swimming around in it like he’s some sort of perverse Jersey Shore Scrooge McDuck. I made a joke about Ziggler looking like Evan Bourne with his new haircut, but no, last night he looked like f**king Tigger. All he needed to do was hit the Zig Zag on Santino and yell THAT’S WHAT ZIGGLERS DO BEST!

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