The Best and Worst of WWE All-Star Raw 6/13

By: 06.14.11

Best: Hornswoggle Exists to Be Kicked in the Face

All of my greatest Hornswoggle memories (besides watching an ROH show with him in Chicago when he was Shortstack) involve him being hit with things. A t-shirt gun in the groin by The Miz, a foot from Alberto Del Rio, a projectile garbage can and a cage wall by JBL. He was great back when he was an evil leprechaun and Finlay would throw him at folks. Any Hornswoggle memory NOT involving him being injured in some way is horrible. Remember him pinning Chavo on 378 consecutive episodes of Raw? Macauly Culkin cameo aside, it was literally an Orwellian Nightmare.

I only need so many “Bests” involving R-Truth per week, but Truth scaring him, only to hug him (with an emotional head touch), only to kick him in the face was the best. Hornswoggle, you’re the last Cruiserweight Champion ever and got to hug MILF Sunny chest-high. You’re living the dream, and I’m sorry I only like you when wrestling is sort-of simulating child abuse.

Worst: Two Break Disqualifications on the Same Night

Woof. Two matches on Raw ended with the worst finish in wrestling: a heel who won’t break the count at 5. That finish can f**k off forever. It happened first in the Alberto Del Rio versus Kane match, and sure, I can accept it there because it ends a Kane match in under three minutes. But to have it surface again in Christian versus Rey Mysterio (especially in the awkward, stunted way it resurfaced) is inexcusable. The referee should be professional enough to do the “come on break the hold” physical interjection thing after he counts five, and not just magically throw out the match. NBA refs should do that. LeBron pretends to get poked in the eye and falls down, so the ref steps in waving his arms yelling NOPE, NO MORE GAME, EVERYBODY GO HOME.

The worst part is that Christian/Mysterio (which was surprisingly not any good, not even a little bit) continued on after the call, with a New Nexus attack and Christian going for a bunch of firemans carry moves he never normally goes for. I think they made up for the conservative use of 619s in the Punk series by spending Monday night using them exclusively. Christian goes for a punch, but Mysterio moves slightly and Christian goes FLYING onto that second rope. Just terrible.

Best: Cody Rhodes Talking to Barack Obama

… with a supplementary “best” for the best use of The Great Khali so far. And I guess a supplementary “worst” for Khali being a funny joke immediately after being repackaged into an unstoppable death monster on Smackdown.

Cody’s super villain voice and Mr. Sinister jacket (with the diamond on the front and everything) never fail to amuse me, and he’s a major reason why I wish With Leather updated on Saturdays. Maybe I should start live blogging Smackdown, so you can hear my only joke about Ezekiel Jackson again (he loves bodyslams).

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