Best: Nobody Likes Eve
There has been no pro wrestler more dedicated to pleasing the WWE Universe with dancing and finger pointing than Eve Torres, the crunk-begotten master of the one-legged wrestling school dropkick. So it made me laugh/warmed my heart to see her only get 11% of the vote in a badly worded “who should Brie Bella defend her title against” Power to the People option. Beth Phoenix, who has done basically nothing since that LayCool tag team tables match, got more votes than her. Of course Kelly Kelly is K2 and Queen of the Diva Deathmatch (because there’s a chance somebody’s going to f**k up and die in every Divas match) got so many votes it destroyed the first hour of the contest. You may be saying, “come on, Brandon, people like Eve, she was an NBA dancer!” and all I can say is “yeah, for the Clippers, nobody likes Eve”.
I don’t know how much Eve makes a year, so let’s assume she makes an annual salary of around $70,000. You already have a spunky babyface girl (K2) and can only manage one good and one bad female performer at a time, so sh*tcan Eve. Now, you’ve got $70,000 to work with. Drop about $40,000 a year on Madison Eagles so she doesn’t have to keep working a day shift at Cinnabon, and you’ve got an attractive, experienced female wrestler who can be a heel and take K2’s Lou Thesz press without having an aneurysm.
Now, with the $30,000 remaining, you can book basically an entire North America’s worth of high-quality independent wrestling heels on a pay-per-appearance basis to show up, threaten K2, eat a K-Driller (or whatever she calls her dumb Fame-Asser) and disappear. You could book talent for like three years with 30 grand. Cleveland All Pro paid Portia Perez for like two years and they never had a dollar. Kelly Kelly looks like Girl Hogan, the women’s wrestling industry gets much needed exposure and freshness, and Eve Torres dances by herself in the living room during period breaks of Clippers games. Problems solved.
Worst: Kelly Kelly is No Longer Choice B, Guys
WWE apologizes to the WWE Universe, Raw’s “Power to the People” voters, and especially Sin Cara and Evan Bourne. The match vote was skewed by a heavy backlog of votes from the Divas Title Match. More details on WWE.com throughout the day.
I love the idea that some Kelly Kelly fan was at home in his WWE DIVAS t-shirt with the big Divas logo in the middle of badly cropped Bella Twins and mirrored Gail Kims around it, furiously texting “b” to 46993 so she’ll get the match, then continuously re-texting “b” so she’ll win. And because of this, Yoshi Tatsu gets stuck in an inferno match against Derrick Bateman. You can stop texting b, Universe Guy, you’re causing too much Mason Ryan!
Best: Winning the Claire’s Title is an Emotional Experience, Guise
Watching Kelly Kelly burst into tears and thank “Power to the People” for her first ever Diva’s Championship win was great, and similar to the response I had the last time I was at Q’doba and realized I had enough points for a free burrito. I wanted her to bust out a AND I JUST WANT TO THANK MY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST to make it extra awesome.