Worst: I Am So F**king Psyched For This 20 Minute Time Limit Match
6% of the WWE Universe voted for a “20 Minute Time Limit Match”. 6% of the WWE Universe is hilarious. This was the ultimate Taboo Tuesday poll, where only one choice was a stipulation. Like WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE THE GUEST REFEREE IN TONIGHT’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH, and option B is Stone Cold Steve Austin, but A is Charles Robinson and C is Mike Chioda.
I want to interview every single person who voted for this, just to see if the reason is always “I wanted to watch them wrestle for up to 20 minutes, but not a second longer”.
Best: Haha the Match was 20 Minutes Long
The best part of that horrible option is that the actual main event went almost exactly 20 minutes, as if they’d planned it out all along. They had a meeting before the match, and the only note was “if they vote A, don’t pin anybody until the end” with a little footnote that said “or do elimination anyway, nobody cares”.
Worst: The Most Predictable Pinfall in History
The bad guy team was Black Manta (R-Truth), Captain Cold (Christian) and The Riddler (The Miz). The good guy team was Superman, Batman and let’s say Agent Liberty. Which one of those good guys is going to get the “oh no, they killed one of our friends” spot? If you said Superman, you have never watched pro wrestling or read a comic book in your life, and you are too cool to be reading a wrestling post on a sports comedy blog.
The Superfriends triumphed, and in the next episode Agent Liberty will be alive, he’ll just be standing around in the background while Superman and Batman figure out how to stop the lava menace (Mark Henry?).
Best: Okay, So I Still Love the RKO
Here are five bad things about Randy Orton
1. He is Hulk Hogan orange on the outside, possibly on the inside
2. His beard grows in like El Gigante’s
3. He “goes to a place where he hears voices” when it’s time to hit his signature moves, not taking into consideration that “outdoors” and “anywhere in public” are solid places to hear voices
4. His Lou Thesz Press is more literally a Jumping Dick Attack than most’s
5. He said he would go to the papers if he had to, but to my knowledge he has yet to go to the papers (does he actually go to the papers? Has anyone seen that movie?)
But here’s one great thing about Randy Orton
1. The RKO
The RKO works because he can hit it out of nowhere, which is Christian’s major problem, and one of the reasons he’s using a spear now. Christian has to spend ten seconds painfully turning around for the Killswitch, whereas Orton just jumps and you’re dead. And you’ll rarely see the same complaints about the RKO that Cena’s Attitude Adjustment gets (“it’s just a SLAM!” etc.) despite it being the exact same thing, a move no more painful than a Flair Flop that hurts more because they say it does. I spent a paragraph talking up the small package because a wrestling company taught me that it was awesome.
Next Week on Raw: Raw Roulette
because nobody is actually booking these shows