Worst: That GM Noise is Not Getting the Heat You Want
Our fantastic opening to Raw was neutered in a split second by some flickering lights and an iPhone message noise. The reaction of the crowd isn’t “boo”, it’s “ah sh:t”. That’s not good. Listen to how molten hot they are for Cena and Punk, then pay attention to how molten freezing f**king cold they are for the GM’s commercial break, announcement and handicap match. These people had to go buy foam You Can’t See Me hands because they’d spent seven minutes ass-pressing the blood out of their real ones.
It’s time to do away with the general manager concept or give it a face and a name that can benefit, and I’m not just saying that because my girlfriend goes WHO IS THE ANONYMOUS GENERAL MANAGER every time it chimes. I DON’T KNOW DESTINY, GOD.
Best: Mark Henry Ensures a Total Lack of Peace
I’ve mentioned it before, but Mark Henry is doing some of the best and most effective work of his 380 year career and it is being completely overshadowed by CM Punk and will be forgotten in a month. I will talk more about Mark Henry racing across the stage like that rhino you can ride in Donkey Kong Country later, I just wanted to say how awesome this video package is. The only way it could’ve been better is if they’d distorted his IT BURN WHEN YOU CRY death poem for Owen Hart into the background somewhere. Or crying babies.
Worst: Tag Teams Are Music Videos on MTV
I can only think of two things off the top of my head that are less funny than a Dead Baby Joke, and they are as follows:
1. That joke where you replace “ESP” with “ESPN” because you’re supposed to be psychic, but are also dumb. This is the laziest joke ever and unless you are Kimmie Gibbler you should not be making it.
2. Any reference to MTV playing music videos, followed by a “heh, but MTV doesn’t PLAY music videos anymore!”
That one sucks a lot, because yeah, f**khead, MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore and they haven’t for like 10 years. It’s like complaining that SpikeTV doesn’t play enough episodes of “Hee-Haw”. The state of tag team wrestling in WWE has become the MTV Doesn’t Play Music Videos Anymore of online wrestling discussion, and I think last night’s handicap match is the official marking of moratorium on the talking point.
This isn’t the first time WWE has had one guy beat up two guys without breaking a sweat, and it’s not the first time those two guys have been tag team champions. Hell, this isn’t the first time Cena’s done it. It’s always bad, and it’s always a sad look at the easiest kind of exciting wrestling to build and execute, but it’s time for us to get over it. The Bulldogs and the Hart Foundation and the Smackdown Six were great, but Michael McGillicutty rocking his Exodus of the Beginning of the Start of the Chinlock while wearing a hieroglyphics collector’s plate on his stomach is a white flag. We give up, and we should be gracious in our defeat.