Best: The Defining Moment of Our Generation
And then, the ending to our show. 411 Wrestling said the segment went on “too long to be effective”, but 411 thinks the top 25 of anything from wrestling history happened between 1988 and 1997, so f**k them.
I’m going to say this, and stand by it: CM Punk getting Vince McMahon to yell I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU WANT at a crowd chanting WE WANT WRESTLING is the defining moment of our generation. It is everything we’ve ever needed to hear from the characters on our wrestling show and the people who play them. It substantiates and makes true the emotions we’ve felt for our entire lives, the sinking suspicion that the people in charge of the sports-thing we love are the people trying hardest to ruin it. It slayed the elephant in the room, and turned it into a hundred tinier elephants we get to capture and identify. It was exciting, important, and something we will never forget.
And if they were chanting “WE WANT ICE CREAM” it was even funnier.
Best: Ice Cream Bars are More Important Than Most People
Did anybody else expect a pop that huge for a mention of WWE ice cream bars? Punk might’ve been right when he told McMahon he’d just made him a million dollars. At the very least they should make up Punk ice cream bars and sell them at shows. I’d buy one, and I’m vegan. Maybe Daniel Bryan can get them to make Tofutti ice cream bars.
I think the most telling thing from the ice cream bars pop (which was bigger than the reactions for anybody on the show other than Punk, Cena and McMahon) is that the memories of wrestling you’ve seen are more important than the wrestling you’re seeing. Ten years from now Derrick Bateman is going to namedrop Norman Smiley on Raw and the crowd is just going to f**king erupt.
Worst: John Cena Forgets How to Be Good, Goes to the Poopy Well
Cena opened the show like a boss, so it was disappointing for him to show up at the end, having forgotten that “I’m going to beat you up” works and shoehorning in some weird probably-from-Step-Brothers comedy bit about Vince McMahon’s face being a run meant for poop and pee-pee. Maybe they did it on purpose. Maybe it made Punk’s points make more sense. Rookie with Ruthless Aggression John Cena wouldn’t call somebody a poopy rug, he’s the guy who challenged Kurt Angle on his first night, got up in Brock Lesnar’s face for no reason and called Eddie Guerrero a wetback. Punk is right, and all he needed was Cryme Tyme bamboozling somewhere in the background to make it perfect.
The Champ could’ve just said “don’t resign him, I’m going to destroy him, here, watch” and then destroyed him, because that’s what John Cena does, but no, he had to drag Round The Corner Fudge Is Made out of his second grade mothballs.
Best: John Cena is Terry Funk
Terry Funk called Cactus Jack’s wife and children whores, but it wasn’t until he dared call Eric Bischoff a homo that Cactus snapped and attacked him. Cena is the new Terry Funk, in one of the only ways he can be — Punk insulted his hometown, Cena shrugged it off. He brought up Cena’s father and wife, and Cena said “easy, easy”. But when Punk compared him to the New York Yankees, Cena punched him in the face. Lesson learned here? That being a part of the New York Yankees is akin to having gay sex with Eric Bischoff. Seems about right.
Best: Money in the Bank Now Has an 80% Chance of a Colt Cabana Arn Anderson Run-In
Wouldn’t it be great if we’re in minute 20 of the Money in the Bank main-event and Punk gets caught with the jumping shoulderblocks, Cena ducks a punch and protobombs him in the middle of the ring… but when Cena heads towards the ropes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Colt Cabana appears out of nowhere, Colt 45s and Flying Assholes him to set up a near-fall from Punk? It might end up being the best thing ever. It’d be even better if Luke Gallows and Serena showed up, and if Ace Steel got to hit somebody in the face with a trashcan.