Worst: Eve Torres, Never Smooth
I don’t think I’m inaccurate when I say Eve Torres and Keystone Light fictional commercial character Keith Stone have the sexual chemistry of a goat and a vending machine. I can’t keep writing up numbered lists, but there was so much wrong with this segment.
One, Eve Torres is backstage confronting the Bellas about “twin magic” and says she’s ONTO THEM and KNOWS they switch places during matches. This is the first time she’s spoken up about it in the THREE YEARS the Bella Twins have been around. Two, fictional f**king cartoon man Keith Stone wanders in and starts solving their problems, which suggests your “smart, sexy, powerful” women need 2011’s Nigel West Dickens to tell them what to do. Three, Keith Stone is GODDAMNED FICTIONAL and if you want us to pretend Eve Torres and the Bella Twins are real people who have chosen the real sport of wrestling as their career you cannot and should not have them crossing over with f**king Spongebob. Four, Keith Stone’s smooth plan is to draw on the Bella Twins, which was a great idea when Michael Scott came up with it and an even better one when this previously happened to the Bella Twins. Five, Nikki Bella’s “HOWM I SPOST TO GET THIS OFF??” makes her look like the dumbest person in history, because the two easiest answers are “it’s magic marker, you aren’t wrestling this week so just wash it until it comes off, he didn’t f**king tattoo you” and “why don’t you try wrestling in shirts”. Or, uh, “take off the tattoo sleeve they put on you”. Or call Keith Stone’s magical bird and let him do it, because we’re on an episode of f**king “Roundhouse” and why not.
The best thing that could happen here is Nikki Bella wrestles the remainder of her career with tattoos on her arm, because she doesn’t understand hand sanitizer and WWE doesn’t understand how permanent markers work.
Best x 100: Maryse, and Everything She Does
This was Maryse’s reaction to the Keith Stone segment.
I think that says it all. That’s how someone SHOULD react to watching Eve Torres hold Keith Stone’s stones. I like to think this is the moment when Maryse sort of loses faith in humanity and becomes a nihilist. Watch her face for the rest of the match, she just doesn’t give a sh** what’s happening. She can’t believe this is where her life has taken her. She picks back up with the Maryse character when Kelly Kelly (Destroyer of Divas, who took a double axe-handle to the back and a dropkick before hitting all her moves and winning) apes her entrance, and it’s just as funny as the segment reaction. I’ve said it before, but I’ll type it again — WWE, I love independent wrestling and the women who perform it, but I don’t think your only options are what you’re doing and filling up your show with the Cheerleaders Melissa and Portias Perez of the world. If you want to hire Playboy Playmates and Hawaiian Tropic girls go for it, just find the ones who have great personalities. Maryse has so much to offer your pro wrestling show, and it has nothing to do with how many times she can forearm Kana.
Worst: Flaming Carrot Josh Mathews
Who dumped Josh Mathews in a vat of toxic goo before Raw, and how many people does he have to interview before he puts on a zoot suit and starts fighting Batman?