Worst: Michael Cole, Legends Comedy Wrestler
If we’re fantasy booking, next week we team up three young guys who aren’t doing anything (let’s say Zack Ryder and one or both of the Usos) and put them in a six-man tag team match against 60-year old Giant Baba, “dying of Hepatitis B” Jumbo Tsuruta and Michael Cole dressed as Triple H. Then we have a role for our aging legends, allowing them to collect a paycheck and still draw people to the shows without doing too much or beating anybody important.
I don’t think we’ve moved away from the Michael Cole Character enough to revisit him. All evidence of Michael Cole having wrestled or performed heelish acts on WWE television should be swept under that rug with Chris Benoit’s dead family and Mad Maxine and never be spoken of again. Pretend it happened in the snow globe of an autistic child. Please let this be Triple H’s one moment of humiliating Michael Cole for his trespasses and give me nothing more flagrant than Coachman doing the Charleston and getting kicked in the butt from here on out.
Very Specific Best and Worst: Zack Ryder
Our Man Internet© got to wrestle for a total of 28 seconds, but he got entrance music and managed to get the crowd chanting “LET’S GO RYDER” in less than half a minute, so that’s something. I thought he was going to be stuck backstage celebrating another man’s victory alongside Kevin Thorn and the Straight Edge Society version of Joey Mercury.
Best: ALBERTOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRIOOOOOOOOOO
My preexisting favorite thing about Alberto Del Rio is how he barely needs to cheat to win. That’s my favorite wrestling bad guy, the guy who is great, he’s just also a jerk. Del Rio takes shortcuts but you rarely see him knocking down referees or holding trunks. Even my parents, notorious for dismissing any wrestler who needs “help”, have to respect a guy who just turns it up and breaks your arm and armbreakers you until you’re done. I like watching him wrestle, because he wrestles WWE style* (whatever that is), but does it a little differently than everybody else.
My new favorite thing is his version of the Stone Cold Steve Austin “talkin’ trash” thing he does when he wins. When he does his entrance he moves his hands around his chest as though he’s asking you to “give it up” for destiny. When he made Kofi Kingston tap out, he got right in Kofi’s face and did the hands really fast, and I love it. Luchadores are like Christmas presents. When they’re all wrapped up and under the tree, they’re equally great. But when you unwrap some you get skateboards and Nintendos (Del Rio) and when you unwrap others you get underwear and socks (Psicosis) or worse, sweaters and jeans (Juventud Guerrera).
*WWE style, as I’ve come to define it, is “going for pins after f**king everything, then being shocked and frustrated when you don’t win immediately”
Worst: HHH on Smackdown
Oh hey, cool, HHH isn’t just on Raw, he’s coming to Smackdown. I can’t wait for his exchange with Cody Rhodes.
HHH: “Oh hey, Cody Rhodes, why’re you wearing that mask? I mean, your face can’t STILL be injured. It doesn’t look like your face is injured at all! I mean c’mon man!”
and then Cody Rhodes says something, but H interrupts him with a louder voice in the middle of his sentence and puts him in a match against Kane. Enghhhhh that’s good wrestling.
Worst: Rey Mysterio Literally Has No Face
I thought last week was evidence that Miz’s brain was healing, but nope, this week he puts on a dress shirt and stares at four different places in the ceiling to say Rey Mysterio literally doesn’t have a face. Irregardless, The Miz should of definately won that match, he’s my favirote.
I want more like this!
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