The inconsistent returns of the picture-in-picture promos during match introductions always get me excited, because they are the easiest and most effective way to get characters and concepts over without having to sacrifice TV time. I mean, we already enjoyed watching them pose on the stage and walk down the ramp, by the time they’re near the bottom you’ve got a solid thirty seconds to kill before turnbuckle posing and the introduction of the next guy. They should give these to everybody, like a fighting game. I want to hear R-Truth’s thoughts on how Evan Bourne may be a literal Jimmy. I want to hear Jack Swagger say ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN AMERICAN AMERICAN, because that’s the only thing he can say. I want John Cena to tell somebody to “Go home and be a family man!”
The quick and easy steps to improving Raw presentation are (1) picture-in-picture promos, (2) a brightly-colored cardboard wall in front of which wrestlers may be spoken to, (3) talk show segments happening outside of the ring and ring carpet never happening again, (4) Bob Uecker, or Bob Caudle. I know for sure we could make three of those things happen on the reg.
Worst: R-Truth’s Music Returns
Tell me this was a mistake. At least give him a slow, foreboding version of “What’s Up”, don’t just play it without him skipping to it.
Worst: John Morrison’s Terms Are Not In A Wrestling Ring
My favorite part of John-Mo’s picture-in-picture is him challenging R-Truth to a falls count anywhere match, which Morrison referred to as being “on his terms”. The announcers made it worse by explaining that Morrison “feels comfortable outside of the ring”. I guess that explains why he can’t hit normal moves with believability or accuracy; to him, fighting in a ring is like trying to play Super Smash Bros. Brawl on “Final Destination”. It’s just flat, how the hell are you supposed to hit anybody with bombs if you can’t jump around and screw with the physics? It also explains why he excels as a tag team wrestler — he gets to stand outside of the ring for large portions of the match, and that makes him more comfortable, like picturing people naked to get through public speaking.
It’s weird that Morrison becomes this fantastic, crisp athlete jumping around on security barriers but couldn’t hit Viscera with a Starship Pain if you lined the ring with Visceras.
Worst: Cardinal Fang, Fetch The COMFY CHAIR
John Morrison pinned a guy who has been beating him for weeks by suplexing him comfortably into a cushy office chair, then delivering a shining wizard that was mostly absorbed by the padding on the chair. Morrison seriously should’ve held a pillow in each hand and tried to poke Truth in the ribs. I don’t go into my John Morrison matches expecting stiff puroresu strikes, but I’m not being glib when I say Kenny Omega was hitting a 9-year old girl harder than anything from this match. Comments on wacky Japanese kid wrestling videos are always like “HEH THIS KID COULD SHOW THE DIVAS SOME TRICK OR TWO!” but no, they couldn’t, Kelly Kelly was running hard and throwing embiggened forearms at Summerslam — the most impactful thing John Morrison throws is a capoeira legdrop like he’s the f**king koala from American Dad that starts coming down about six inches up and annihilates the one believable part of a leg drop. Kelly Kelly is fine, John Morrison needs to watch some tapes.
Best: Jared From Subway Should Stop Going To Wrestling Events
Poor Jared Fogle can never catch a break. I’m giving a “Best” to his segment with The Miz (which went a little deeper into the reasons why Miz is like he is — he’s not being a dick, he’s just obsessed with being the face of WWE and legitimately believes he could be a better spokesman for Subway than Jared, who hasn’t really done anything but hold pants and talk to D-level gymnasts for the last five years. This explains why Miz would shill for 7-Eleven to the point of talking up John Cena and The Rock, and why he’s always at Kids Choice Awards and doing talk shows and Summerslam commercials and acting affable in a role some do-gooding a-hole like John Morrison should be … but I digress) because how hilarious is it that Jared carries around fresh, fully-wrapped Subway subs, not even in the plastic bag, just wrapped in the paper? Would people not recognize him otherwise? Does Lorena Bobbitt carry around a cleaver and a dildo so she can get free tickets to shows?
Jared’s appearance gets an inconsequential but pretty major “Worst” as well, because I’m an absolute sucker for continuity and most of Jared’s past rivals were or should’ve been in attendance. CM Punk was there. Remember when CM Punk tried to get the Straight Edge Society to abduct Jared? “Bring me Jared from Subway” is one of the greatest phrases ever uttered on wrestling television. Where was Santino, and why wasn’t he running out there to steal Miz’s delicious Subway sandwich? They could’ve made a thing of it and given us a Miz/Santino Superstars match next week on Raw. Who wouldn’t want to see that? Better yet, make it into a huge thing and run a Deep Fryer match at Night Of Champions. I just want Miz to say “Santino, I’m like the New Oven Crisp Chicken Sandwich from Subway … I’m NEVER fried.”