Best: OMG Kevin Nash WTF Thought He Was Dead LOL
The last page of The Best And Worst Of Summerslam dealt with the nervousness of a long-time wrestling fan accepting Kevin Nash and what he has to offer. Commenters hate when I recap previous columns, but this is important. You look and behold a plae horse, and his name that sits on him is Kevin Nash, and Hell follows with him, that sort of thing. I was worried that we were running headlong into something terrible, and that it was going to be my job to stand in the background somewhere like Uatu and watch it happen.
Good news is that we aren’t in TNA anymore.
Watching CM Punk verbally rape Kevin Nash in front of a worldwide audience was one of the happier moments of my self-aware wrestling fandom. It was like a better version of Punk vs. H, because with H you know he’s going to be in charge and around forever — Nash, pardon the pun, seems like an outsider who might not be there next month. He’s not a “guy” we have to deal with, he’s a thing, he’s a big idea in jeans that can’t muster up something better than “you’re skinny and look bad” when Punk eviscerates him for being a selfish, cancerous piece of sh*t. That’s something I can get behind. Yeah, it turns me into more of a Cultist of Personality than I already am, but it feels good. It’s like watching somebody sack Brett Favre in 2010. You wish they would’ve done that more ten years ago, but you’re still happy it’s happening.
I think the overall badness of Nash’s performance really helped. I like to think he gets that he’s not supposed to be the guy you’re cheering, so he shows a little ass and doesn’t give everything he’s got because he’s accomplishing a goal. Being a character. He can’t be TOO charismatic on the mic or people will cheer him, because it’s easy for people to cheer Kevin Nash. He has to say things that are kinda dumb and antiquated (like “hit the weights” … be sure to put the dogs in the pool house first) so we’ll say YEAH PUNK GET HIM instead of “Punk should probably hit the weights”. That’s good pro wrestling, purposefully or accidentally. Nash goading Punk into a fight, then backing down with a wall of security while still standing there like he wants him to get into the ring is GOLD. It doesn’t make me want to see Kevin Nash leave, it makes me want to see Kevin Nash get beaten up.
Worst: What Is Up With Kevin Nash’s Mustache
The most distracting part of Nash was his jacked-up facial hair. Who shaves the top part of their mustache and leaves the bottom? It looked like he was trying for a goatee and just forgot to shave his lip. The left side of his mouth had less hair on it than the right, so when he talked we got these little flaps of Prince beard flapping in the wind. I don’t know if his exposed nostrils were supposed to be threatening or if I just missed some masculine plot point along the way.
Regardless, I’m pretty into Kevin Nash as Dan Connor’s old motorcycle buddy. Maybe he’ll try to convince HHH they should just invest in a bike shop together, but then bail on him and give him his investment money back when he tears his quad again.
Worst: Misappropriating Vanilla Midgets
One of CM Punk’s big talking points for Nash is that he once called the “late, great Eddie Guerrero” a vanilla midget. This is somehow more offensive to Punk than Alex Riley saying death itself sharted in Eddie’s widow’s mouth. Anyway, correct me if I’m wrong, but Eddie Guerrero wasn’t the vanilla midget … Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit were the vanilla midgets. That’s where the “vanilla” part came in. They were super white and very short. Eddie was Latino and had personality to spare. I guess you can’t get heat in 2011 sticking up for Dean Malenko.
He should’ve pointed out every dumb thing Nash ever did. “Kevin Nash, one time you dressed up as Sting and everybody thought you were him, even though you were seven feet tall and had a mane of brown hair and were wearing a Sting mask instead of face paint.” Or instead of saying “you were Oz”, he could’ve said “you walked to the ring wearing a big wizard head as a hat and it made you look nine feet tall, but then you took it off and it wasn’t really your head and you were two feet shorter. This disappointed a 10-year old watching live at home on pay-per-view, because your incredible size was the only thing he could use to justify a goddamned Wizard of Oz character who used Dorothy and a monkey in his entrance”. You know, that sort of universal thing.
Worst: Stephanie Sent The Text, Mystery Solved
Are we still trying to figure this out? She did, right? Did we all come to the conclusion simultaneously, because I think we did. I think “where does Kofi Kingston keep getting pastel underpants” is a bigger mystery than “who sent Kevin Nash those text messages”. I guess the only mystery comes in wondering whether or not Triple H was in on it from the beginning, and I think CM Punk saying “I believe Triple H is innocent” pretty much put H in the Higher Power robe.
To recap popular wrestling mysteries:
Q: Who sent Kevin Nash text messages?
A: A lot of people, probably, but Stephanie
Q: Who raised the briefcase?
A: Big Bossman, shut up
Q: Who’s the man?
A: Vader, and to a lesser extent Sid
Q: Who is the Black Scorpion?
A: An evil magician, but Ric Flair took credit for it
Q: Who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin?
A: The Rock, but he made Rikishi take the blame
Q: Who is Mr. McMahon’s illegitimate son?
A: Mr. Kennedy, but don’t tell anyone
Q: Who drove the Hummer?
A: Don’t know, don’t care