Best: Dave Harvard
I hate that Jerry Lawler’s month-long “have personality, you sh*ts!” diatribe ended with Otunga and McGillicutty disappearing until they could come up with personalities, but if it leads to David Otunga doling out bad legal advice backstage and dressing like he’s in a military barbershop quartet, I’m all for it. You can’t see it in the WWEFanNation video, but Otunga missed his mark in this segment by about five minutes, and just stood there motionless until Mrs. Engstrom or whoever whispered “DID YOU SEE THAT” to him from backstage. The conversation it led to was even better.
Laurinaitis: “You went to Harvard Law School!”
Otunga: “Yes, that’s right!”
Laurinaitis: “David, you have a law degree, you’re a lawyer who went to Harvard.”
Otunga: “Yes, I am a lawyer who has a law degree from Harvard Law School.”
I don’t know if Vince stumbled onto some “Seinfield” reruns in the middle of the night and thought Jackie Chiles would make a great pro graps character or what (forgetting, of course, that he already had Clarence Mason), but I hope the Chekov’s Reiterated Gun of David Otunga: Lawyer keeps going. I want to hear his thoughts on Kelly Kelly. “So we got an attractive woman, wearing a bra, no top, walkin’ around in broad daylight. She’s flouting society’s conventions!”
Also, six months from now Michael McGillicutty should show up in coveralls holding a wrench and start yelling I’M A PLUMBER, LOOK AT ME, THIS IS MY OCCUPATION.
Worst: “Capricious” is WWE’s Favorite Smart Person Word
Unrelated, but YouTube is a great place to find out about wrestling things you’ve forgotten. For example, I remember the CM Punk/Kelly Kelly romance angle from WWECW, but did you know they also did a thing where Candice Michelle liked him? Completely random. Almost as good as that CHIKARA-esque CM Punk/Rosa Mendes segment that I wish I would’ve been around to write about.
Best/Worst: Jerry Lawler’s Ass Is Bleeding
It’s not every day when a pro wrestling show gets “anal bleeding” to be a worldwide trending topic on Twitter, so I gave it its own piece, which you should read. It features great feedback about morals and ethics and carnal forbearance from a guy named Joe. Joe what, you may ask? Uhh… just Joe.
To the editor of this story… Who gives a damn what you think?… Morales are just another way to be an uptight prude… They Got every ones attention, therefore gained an audience… That’s what a show does… Obviously you don’t have a show pumping in millions of dollars, so why not shut the hell up??????………….
I don’t know what this guy’s got against Pedro Morales, but to address some of his concerns, I’ve got to admit that I laughed the hell out loud when this moment happened. Maybe it was Booker T’s “whut da hail….” Maybe it was Jim Ross just kinda looking away in shoot disgust. Maybe it’s because normal Michael Cole would’ve just said “OH YEAH J.R., WELL I BET HE’S GOT ANAL BLEEDING TOO? YOU HEAR THAT J.R., JERRY LAWLER HAS ANAL BLEEDING BECAUSE OF THE HEINOUS ATTACK OF MARK HENRY… OR SHOULD I SAY THE ANUS ATTACK OF MARK HENRY” and I would’ve went “ughhh” and changed back to It’s Always Sunny reruns. But no, Michael Cole had to work a deadpan delivery of “anal bleeding” with a straight face and shock me into IRL LOL.
All that being said, this is the last time I want to hear about Jerry Lawler’s asshole.
Worst: Kelly Kelly and The Ropes
I don’t want to harp on this every week, but Kelly, if you’re afraid of the ropes or you can’t hit them properly, just back up and run forward to do your moves, or at least pivot your run before you hit them and run back. It’ll look a lot better, and people will say you’re great at “Muay Thai” or something.
Worst: Yeah, Beth Phoenix Deserves Another Title Shot
What has Beth Phoenix done for me lately? When she was off-screen during the appearance and eventual storyline-abortion of Kharma (and that’s “storyline-abortion”, not “storyline abortion”) I kept saying “Where’s Beth Phoenix? She’s awesome. She should be wrestling.” I remembered her hanging out with Santino and making Melina kick herself in the back of the head. Then I get my wish, and somehow Beth has turned into one of the regularly worst characters on the show. She has zero motivation. She wants to get rid of the blonde Barbies. She has blonde hair and wears roller derby dresses alongside her other blonde friend who is always in pink. All she’s accomplished is two consecutive pay-per-view losses. She gets the pin here, and is somehow granted a third match.
Meanwhile, Natalya is right there. She has even less development, because Jesus, why would she hang around with Beth here? She isn’t really doing Beth’s “dirty work” so she doesn’t qualify as a henchman, and she never gets any of Beth’s opportunities. Beth says that only the cute, perky girls get opportunities, and she continues to say that as she enters her third consecutive pay-per-view title match. Natalya hasn’t gotten sh*t except about a minute 45 of beating on the Chickbusters since July. She’s better in the ring than Beth right now, she looks better than Beth right now, and she broke out that crazy leglock submission I put in the Best and Worst header. She even got one of those midriff-baring tops that’ll make somebody on the Internet call her hot when they never see her and fat if she’s on TV for more than five minutes.
What I’m saying is that we should’ve moved on to the Natalya portion of the “doom”, or at least had her wreck Eve a few more times. Speaking of,
Best: WWE’s Highest Flyers Volume 2, Featuring Eve