Best: L-O-F**king-L At Mark Henry’s White Guy Voice
Mark Henry broke out his best Eddie Murphy “white guy” voice to mock Matt Striker, and holy sh*t, he sounded like Madea. All I can say is halleluyer for Mark Henry.
Best: Mark Henry, Just Throwin’ People Around
Like I said before, Mark Henry is succeeding because somebody f**king woke up and said “oh, wait, Mark Henry is this enormous guy who can lift cars, maybe we should have him seem threatening once”. He’s downplaying his faults and highlighting his best attributes, which include picking up gangly dudes like Randy Orton, squeezing them to death, running them into cage walls and scooping them up out of punt attempts to World’s Strongestly Slam them to Literal Hell and winning. Orton brought what he does best — stomping — and did it from the apron and while hanging from a cage wall. There was a lot of “heh, wonder which part of the cage wall is gimmicked for Mark Henry to break tonight” on Twitter, but both Henry V Orton and the triple threat main utilized the cage in a very understated, TV-PG-adaptable sort of way. In the main, it was an obstacle. Here, it was the only thing keeping Mark Henry from scooping up Orton and throwing him into the sun. I liked them both.
A broken record approaches, but Mark Henry should keep the World Heavyweight Championship at least until Wrestlemania, where he loses it to Daniel Bryan or whatever terrible, taller guy they decided was more important than Daniel Bryan. Also, bring back Pete Rose so he can yell I’M NOT EVEN ELIGIBLE FOR THE HALL OF PAIN, HOW BOUT IT before getting body-attacked.
Worst: The Voices Are Telling Him To Pretend Like Nobody Just Beat The Sh*t Out Of Him For 15 Minutes
On that WWE Conditioning tip, WWE has trained me to expect the worst when things like a Mark Henry title run happen, and we’re at that point now where Orton faces him at five or six pay-per-views in a row and we’re never sure which one is going to be the “ugh, Randy Orton is the unprecedented 270-time World Heavyweight Champion he is SECOND BEST IN WWE KING” one. I keep bringing up “Henry should keep the belt forever” because it seems like a pipe dream. Nobody keeps the belt forever. Title changes have become an expectation rather than a milestone, and everything awesome about bell-to-bell Henry/Orton started to fade away when Orton dodged the Hall Of Pain induction and started Apex Predatoring all over the place.
I get that Orton goes to a place where he hears voices and his grandma is winning money on a slot machine and how that makes him impervious to pain, but man, would it have killed him to remember Match With Mark Henry + Demonic Structure = Limp A Little? Even a Hardy can remember to limp after he’s gone a-ladderin’. Orton’s apexical predatorial (those are not words) combined with Cena’s penchant for Not Ever Giving Up are the next step in WWE turning their entire business model into a Mattel playset. You can smash the Orton and Cena action figures together and make them do headfirst dives from the top of your couch to the floor and everybody is fine, and nobody gets hurt, and nothing ever bleeds.
You know that K-Mart commercial where Randy Orton is sitting Indian style on that guy’s dining room table? I think that was canon.