The Best And Worst Of WWE Hell In A Cell 2011

By: 10.03.11

Best: Let’s Pretend This Is SummerSlam

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that Beth Phoenix versus Kelly Kelly was my second favorite match on the show. It was the best match they’ve had and it made sense from every conceivable storytelling standpoint — Kelly has established that her reign as Divas Champion isn’t a fluke and that’s she’s committed to working hard and getting better to beat tough competitors like Beth; Beth thinks Kelly’s full of sh*t, but has lost to her twice due to overconfidence and now just wants to break bad on her with submissions and cheating, if necessary. Eve is clapping her hands. It works, and little touches like Kelly going for a bulldog and Beth pulling her back by the bra strap were great. If you’re fast-forwarding through this because you still see Extreme Exposé Kelly Kelly the Insider Jab Exhibitionist, don’t.

The finish was finally the one we needed. Beth won in dominant fashion, but with enough unnecessary ground-covering that Kelly could call shenanigans and get a rematch. Beth Phoenix is the last woman on the roster who should be chasing a championship … she should win it easily and keep it until somebody Womans Up enough to step up and beat her. That’s the story. She’s your Andre the Giant, and she should beat every also-ran Big John Studd who comes along before your Hogan bodyslams her. And it breaks the fault lines and kills her because she weighed 1,000 pounds. [citation needed]

Best: Natalya And The Microphone

My favorite moment of the entire show was something I haven’t seen mentioned anywhere else. The finish of the match is that Beth has Kelly in the Divas Of Doom submission lock, so Natalya wanders over with a microphone and starts taunting her. The rub is that Natalya’s going to hit Kelly in the face with the microphone, so Beth lets go of the submission and pulls the referee away. Natalya strikes, and the mic makes a loud noise. The referee turns around, so to cover her tracks Natalya starts hitting the microphone against the apron and popping it against her hand like she’s trying to get it to work. HOW GREAT IS THAT. She gets away with it, and we don’t have to pretend the referee didn’t hear a big *BZHHH* when he turned his back.

Worst: A Word To Independent Pro Wrestlers

Shortly after this match, a local independent wrestler who shall remain nameless posted this on their Facebook page:

Finally…the Divas title goes to someone who can actually work.

This happens a lot at indy wrestling shows. If you mention John Cena, there’s a 90% chance the wrestler will say John Cena can’t wrestle and/or is a gay. The above attitude is shared by a lot of wrestlers and independent wrestling fans, and I think it’s really short-sighted and immature. First of all, when you say “can actually work” you don’t mean they know how to wrestle, you mean it’s a person you like and you’re writing about it on the Internet. First and a half of all, I won’t say who this is, but I can assure you it isn’t KANA or someone else who could say this without getting side-eyed. First and two-thirds of all, saying “work” instead of “wrestle” is amateur as hell.

Second of all, independent wrestlers struggling to make a name for themselves should probably move into this century and not sh*t-talk the only company in the world currently paying women hundreds of thousands of dollars to wrestle in front of crowds of tens of thousands all over the world. I love Sara Del Rey, but you know what? She should be making more money than she is right now. I’m sure she’s fine, but she could use a little more. That’s why I’m not angry about Bryan Danielson, my very favorite wrestler in the world, “not being used right”. He has to lose to Heath Slater in dark matches, yeah, but he can afford to do so while buying Asparagus the Wonder Dog a nice house to live in and a nice car for rides. I know it’s more complex than “jealousy” when you say Kelly Kelly or John Cena suck and don’t deserve their spots, but I feel like you’d go a lot farther (and a lot happier) with less “this is all wrong” and more “I’m going to build on that and try to do it better”.

Third of all, here’s a quick list of things Kelly Kelly did in last night’s match::

1. Countered a Glam Slam by running up the turnbuckles and backflipping out of it
2. A clothesline from the top rope
3. A hair-bulldog from the top rope
4. Countering a powerbomb into a rana
5. Spamming the running grapple to hit a bunch of Lou Thesz Presses
6. Cartwheel back elbow with an extra flip

She also took all of Beth’s offense (dragon sleeper!) and made it look painful and believable, which is better than John Morrison can do. The only thing she didn’t do great is a sunset flip that was supposed to start on Beth’s shoulders and ended up somewhere in the middle of her upper back, and that’s not really “workrate” coming into play. What I’m trying to say is that Kelly Kelly is not the top female wrestler in the world by any stretch of the imagination, but she’s busting ass and doing a better job than she ever has, and we’ve got to be objective enough to see it and say “okay, that’s a step forward”. Or we continue to type “she can’t work” on the Internet like we know what the f**k we’re talking about.

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