Best: WWE Live-tweeting John Morrison’s Passive-Aggressive Twitter
They should do this for everybody. In the middle of the match just have Melina’s Twitter pop up and say “@RealMelina: Eating some Skittles, thinking about how Kelly Kelly is a stupid whore! LOL! j/k thanks for all the love please RT if you agree”. And then a graphic pops up of Michael Cole or whoever retweeting it. That’d be awesome. Just fill the screen with infographics like we’re watching ‘Pardon The Interruption’. After 60 seconds John Morrison has to stop wrestling and we move on to the backstage segment.
Also, I totally just realized that Teddy Long looks like the bastard lovechild of Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon.
Worst: John Morrison Is Officially Carlito
You can’t really tell from the three minutes WWE Fan Nation chose to showcase, but John Morrison versus Dolph Ziggler for Not the United States Championship was so boring it made last week’s Alberto Del Rio/Big Show match look like a Dragon Gate finisher sprint. I don’t know if Morrison’s spirit is crushed or what, but even when he’s ridiculously and illogically winning matches he’s mailing it in. I guess I can’t blame him after three straight months of losing, but damn, there’s nothing sadder than Sad Parkour. Watch him early-on in the match when he escapes Ziggler by twisting out through the ropes, only he gets caught about halfway through with zero sense of urgency and just kinda pulls himself down while Ziggler pretends like he isn’t standing there waiting. Ziggler tried his best, and there’s still a legitimate athleticism to what Morrison does in the ring, but it’d be nice if we could pair Dolph with someone who isn’t a Muppet, dead in the water or flipping pointlessly into a brick wall.
WWE’s got this thing about losing streaks where the guy starts winning the second they acknowledge it, and it works as sort-of a backhanded explanation for why the guy’s been losing. “John Morrison hasn’t won a match since August, guys, and we haven’t said anything about it until now, but he’s PROBABLY GOING TO WIN TONIGHT” and he wins. They’ve conditioned us with this sh*t so that when Bryan Danielson spends four months losing to FCW we spend three and a half months justifying it as a losing streak that is “probably leading to a push”. It’s probably just a guy constantly losing, everybody.
Best: Lawler And Cole Are Never Allowed To Talk About The Beatles Again
One of the worst but most memorable aspects of last night’s commentary was the five hundred minutes or so Michael Cole spent trying to get Vickie Guerrero’s sex schoolgirl outfit over as “Beatles-esque” with Lawler going “LOL WTF” about it. They talked about it the entire match, possibly because the match itself was as boring as the goddamn Great Saiyaman Saga, and the closet Cole got to justifying his claim was that the Beatles used to wear black suits with white shirts and black ties, and Vickie had a white shirt and was kinda wearing a tie. Lawler even shut that down by pointing out the Beatles never wore booty shorts.
It was proof that if Vince wasn’t in the back somewhere yelling SAY WHAT A MANEUVER DAMMIT into microphone, even Cole and Lawler would naturally deteriorate into bored insanity like the guys pretending to be excited about Malachi Jackson matches in PWG. Ever wonder why indy wrestling announcers never get the wrestlers over and just curse and make jokes? It’s because we have eyeballs and this isn’t on the radio and their job is pointless. Live wrestling is always better than wrestling with someone talking over it, no matter how many times you reference Rob Naylor.
Worst: Michael Cole Is Never Allowed to Talk About The Cleveland Indians EVER AGAIN
Michael Cole compared Zack Ryder to the Cleveland Indians, saying he beat Dolph Ziggler in a non-title match-up last week because it was “preseason”, saying the Indians win everything in the preseason but can’t win anything in the regular season. First of all, Lawler rightfully pointed out that “preseason” is football and baseball doesn’t have preseason, it has Spring Training. Second of all, The Tribe finished in second place this year and have only been really bad for about five seasons of the last twenty. Three of those came in a row, but still. What I’m trying to say is f**k you, Michael Cole, and if the year-long sprint of you being MadTV’s interpretation of Andy Kaufman on my wrestling program hasn’t done it, your ill-informed opinions on professional baseball may cause me to infiltrate my next DiBiase Posse Party incognito and garrote you to f**king death in the Gorilla’s Refuse Position.
Also, speaking of racism, my favorite baseball team’s logo is a bright red man’s face with Louis Armstrong teeth named “Chief Wahoo”.
One More Worst For JoMosapiens: JoMosapiens
I’ve talked at length about the ridiculous “WE’RE GONNA EAT YOUR LUNCH” across the back of John Morrison’s shirt (sample joke: “WWE Shopzone should sell a Curt Hawkins trucker hat with I’M GON LICK YER STAMPZ across the front”) but I’ve never taken the time to point out the graffiti monkeys in sunglasses on the front. What does this have to do with my lunch? Am I going to leave my lunch at an urban zoo? When’s the monolith gonna show up and give John Morrison the ability to wrestle?
I don’t know what kind of JoMosexual would be caught wearing this, but if we’re going to have Pleistocene specimen jokes on our wrestling shirts why not give Zack Ryder a “BRO-MAGNON” headband? Make D-X shirts with “Suck Mladeč” across the front.
I want more like this!
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