The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 12/12: Slammy Award Losing Edition

By: 12.13.11


Worst: Wrangler U-Fit Jeans

They don’t tear your dick to pieces like most Wranglers!

Best: I Forgot How Good Christian Is

Not being able to do a formal Best and Worst of Smackdown made me forget how valuable to a show Christian can be, and even if he dropped an “each and every one of you” into his commentary I was happy to see him back on the show and speaking. Christian’s one of those guys who should be around even if he isn’t wrestling, being a mouthpiece for somebody or teaching people how to move and think in the ring. He should also keep getting new injuries until he’s the rich man’s Colin Delaney and demand “one more match” against Randy Orton until they’re 80 or one of them dies.

Best: Load Bearing Divas (™ Tom Holzerman)

One of the thing I was looking forward to Besting was the time-honored Slammy and Hall Of Fame tradition of putting the Divas in evening gowns and having them walk people out to the podium. With the Kaitlyn heel turn seemingly edited out of last week’s Smackdown I thought we were going to have her and/or A.J. make an appearance and looking gorgeous, but nope, it was just Alicia Fox and Eve Torres all night long. It might’ve been a rib on me. Am I popular enough to have people ribbing me?

Worst: John Cena: Game Changer

I liked Cena teasing the crowd with a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson appearance only for him to not be there, but (and I’m in the minority here, as I got multiple requests to give this segment “all the bests”) I felt like Cena was too Cena about it and added too much of his “BRIAN’S NOT BACKSTAGE I DON’T BELIEVE YOU, I DON’T, WHAT” improv bullshit to make it pointed.

If I was writing John Cena (and I should be), I would’ve had him say “I didn’t do this alone, here’s the most electrifying man in all entertainment, the people’s champion DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON” and motion to the ramp to get everybody excited, then say “okay, well here’s a video via satellite from DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON” like he did, then cut out everything else and have him say, bluntly, “The Rock doesn’t care about you, he’s a Hollywood asshole who showed up to take your money, maybe one day you’ll all figure that out” and turn and just f**king leave.

If WWE wants Pipe Bombs so badly, they need to not be afraid to drop a real one. If the characters spoke frankly about what was happening it would go a long way sometimes. Those adults in Rocky shirts holding their dick hand up and going lalalalala into it at Wrestlemania need to be talked to, not at. That’s not a request for insider jokes and terms, that’s not a request for more New Japan Pro Wrestling namedropping on Raw, that’s a very honest, direct request for WWE to stop thinking everyone who likes them is stupid and be brave enough to step down and move their product forward. Kane, The Road Dogg, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin references every couple of weeks, Bret Hart … what’re you gonna do when these people are really gone? That idea in itself is enough of a big bang to create a dozen different character motivations for a dozen different guys you haven’t thought to give one.

I don’t want to be heavy about one of the least offensive segments on the show, but seriously. Enough of this. Wrestlemania needs a story deeper than “we won’t stop bitching at each other”.

Also: Don’t Be Stupid, It’s Still Undertaker

The girl is going to be Michelle McCool as Lady Undertaker. Maybe they’ll give her a skull bikini and a big sword.

Yeah, I don’t know. Even if these videos turn out to be for Chris Jericho and he shows up on Raw wearing an IT BEGINS shirt yelling THOSE WERE MY VIDEOS I’m still going to say they’re for the Undertaker.

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