Best: John Laurinaitis Trumping Six Months Of TNA Storytelling In One Dismissive Wank
My favorite moment on this show (outside of the killer ending segment, which we’ll get to) is Eve Torres backstage after Ryder’s match, trying to get in Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager Of Raw John Laurinaitis’ face about HOW COULD HE DO THIS and HOW COULD HE DO THAT and being completely and utterly shut the F down by “shut your mouth, have some respect”. She made an awesome “oh, well crap, okay” face and ACTUALLY SHUT UP. It was wonderful. He might as well have said “shut up, Eve, you’re Eve”.
I remember TNA doing that terrible “torn from the headlines” bullsh*t where Mr. Anderson got a concussion and kept getting forced into matches before he could recover, and he’d blade the back of his head or whatever and we’d go OH NO, CONCUSSION BLOOD and he’d melodramatically flop over and let Abyss or some other secretly 5-foot-2 sack of retread piss pin him. And keep in mind that TNA as a The Waltons hierarchy set up as management, so there was a huge thing about how maybe one guy was forcing him to wrestle but then someone else would stick up for him, and then two more general managers would appear from the shadows and put him into a tag team match HERE TONIGHT, but then Mike Tenay would rip off his flesh hood to reveal the ULTIMATE TOP SECRET GENERAL MANAGER and he’d make Anderson switch with Jeff Jarrett in a retirement on a pole match and blah blah blah blah … at any point ANY of those guys should’ve said “watch your mouth, have some respect” to these worthless characters and made a goddamn decision about it.
Best: Zack Ryder And Eve Torres As Compelling Babies-Face
Last week I got a lot of negative feedback that amounted to, “you are a smark and therefore do not understand Kane, here is why I liked his sh*tty segments: I liked them”. First of all, you guys have got to stop letting the f**king NetCop give you talking points. There is no such thing as a “smark”. You can’t be “smart”. You’re either in the business or you aren’t. If you’re in the business, you aren’t a mark. If you aren’t, you are. You don’t have to pretend you’re a part of something to enjoy it.
And frankly the term “mark” is pretty outdated and only appropriated by depressing wrestling guys born 80 years after the sport evolved past carnival sideshows who need a way to condescend on the people who support them. I’m consciously and willingly giving you money for something I understand. Going to see ‘Beauty And The Beast’ on stage doesn’t make me a Broadway “mark”, but at the same time, knowing Lumière is an actor and not literally a talking candelabra doesn’t make me “smart”. Stop calling Triple H “Paul” on the Internet and be a normal f**king person, please.
Anyway, what I’m getting at is that those Kane HORROR IN THAT ONE PARKING LOT AREA skits from last week were a bad idea executed badly, but I’m willing to give Zack Ryder a Best this week for sorta selling it like Zack Ryder The Character The Human Being might and to Eve for showing more purpose and emotion than she has since at LEAST before she Got Crunk. It worked this week. Ryder seemed like he was trying to keep his pride by gutting his way through a bad decision and Eve seemed legitimately worried for him, and not in that ER, HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, I SAW WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR MATCH EARLIER TONIGHT thing Divas do. It was nice and normal and made sense, even if it was born from illogical Hell-Dragging crap.
Best: Jack Swagger Destroying A Handicapped Dude
I love love loved Jack Swagger participating in his scheduled, approved-and-organized-by-management match against a guy who wasn’t medically cleared but too stupid to take a knee and just wrecking him with three moves for the win. This is what I always talk about when Santino lasts more than a minute — wrestling logic is extremely basic, and the most basic story you can tell when a guy gets hurt is that his body won’t let him win. This is why story nonspecific no-selling is so annoying … you aren’t writing anything more complex than “John Cena’s leg is hurt, so Miz is targeting the leg” or whatever, so to have Cena just kinda run around on his leg and win like nothing matters defeats literally the only story you are telling. Why are you even telling stories? Just write it like an episode of Dragonball where Cena keeps healing and Miz goes WHATTTTTT with speed lines around his head. And if you’re gonna do that, just tell the no-selling story.
But yeah, Swagger should not have any trouble with a guy who isn’t medically cleared. Honestly Ryder got in too much offense. He shouldn’t have even been able to change out of his street clothes. Just have Ryder meander down in jeans and get punched in the chest once and pinned.
Worst: The World’s Most Popular Blogger
A few notes on Perez Hilton:
1. Is it weird to anyone else that they opened the show with CM Punk being all LOOK AT YOU IN YOUR FAGGY PINK SHIRT and then parading out Perez Hilton as a cool celebrity?
2. Is it weird to anyone else that Michael Cole has spent the last year condemning nerds and/or co-workers for using the Internet and called Josh Mathews a faggot on Twitter but finds it “very interesting” that Perez Hilton gets a lot of hits on his “personal website” and is “obsessed with the popular culture”?
3. Perez Hilton being “the world’s most popular blogger” makes me feel really terrible about myself. If you’re a baseball player, you get compared to Willie Mays or Babe Ruth. If you’re good at basketball, people wonder if you could be the next Michael Jordan. Movie directors get to live in the shadow of people like John Ford and Akira Kurosawa. I write on the Internet. The best person at what I do steals Sarah Jessica Parker candids from TMZ and writes YOU GO GIRL on them in MS Paint. The most popular blogger in the world is the ugly shouting guy who thought Seanbaby would be cooler if he made fewer jokes. That’s my holy grail. That’s the top of my craft.
4. I am not the World’s Most Popular anything, but I would be happy to make a guest appearance and introduce Alicia Fox to people on an episode of Raw. Additional talent: I like wrestling even when wrestling isn’t paying me to say I do.
5. I hated everything about this except for 4a) the announce team repeatedly calling him “Paris Hilton” and 4b) him ruining Twin Magic and yelling NO YOU’RE CHEATING~ at the Bellas on the outside. The only thing that would’ve made it better is if when the Bellas switched places he’d yelled WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Whatever: Women Wrestled
I can’t keep giving these women worsts and explaining what they should be doing. They know what they should be doing and choose not to. It’s a fundamental difference in how WWE and I think pro wrestling works. It’s also a fundamental difference in how WWE and I think women work. From now on, these 40 second excuses to continue employing models so the Troops can pose with somebody hotter than Big Show are going to be brushed aside as continuing ignorance and ignored, and I will happily pick back up with them when Kharma returns, Portia Perez gets a WWE developmental contract and/or Kelly Kelly starts brainbustering people.