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The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/23/12: Don’t Break My Back, Bro

By / 01.24.12

Best: Stan Hansen And Steve Williams Namedropped On Raw Like Cole Has Any F**king Clue Who They Are

We’re getting close to that Kenta Kobashi Raw namedrop I’ve been looking forward to since like 1991, but how do you list off Johnny Ace’s tag team partners of yore without MIKE BARTON? Hahaha, just kidding, but it would’ve been nice for them to give poor Dan Spivey a trend. Or mention Shane Douglas! That would’ve been a cool thing for him to brag about at his next Target managers meeting.

Best: David Otunga’s Shoes Match His Thermos

They do.

david-otunga-shoes

Jennifer Hudson is a fat moron if she leaves this guy.

Worst: CM Punk Has Serious Issues With Women

When I bring up Punk’s “balls in your purse” catchphrase, part of me is exaggerating how I feel for the sake of analysis. Like, I get that he’s just using antiquated ideas of masculinity to tell a wrestling audience who live swallowed up by antiquated ideas of everything that he’s tough and the guy he hates isn’t. I mean, I get it. Wrestling is a lowest common denominator thing, so there’s no point in nitpicking how low the denominator actually goes. “Bitch” goes into this category.

That being said, notice how when he’s interrupting Big Johnny’s apologies he says that Laurinaitis is just like a “spoiled little girl” who doesn’t get what SHE wants. Listen to the emphasis on SHE. He could’ve just as easily called him a spoiled little boy, there, and okay, maybe he’s calling him a girl because “homo” is the worst WWE insult or whatever, but it sounds to me like the guy’s only f**king go-to for people he hates is women. I can’t be the only one picking up on this. When he was doing those shoot interviews six years ago about how he didn’t like strip clubs my head took it as “he’s for the empowerment of women!”, but as I get older and keep hearing it that turns into “he doesn’t like going into strip clubs because women are there”.

Still siding with the guy who apologized twice and is getting in trouble for making normal Raw matches and decisions that everybody makes.

Best: John Laurinaitis Peacefully Accepting His Fate

And now, the best picture from last night’s Raw, and possibly ever:

john-laurinaitis-peaceful-gts

He’s either

1. Not selling

2. Too worried about selling, so he’s making a concentration face instead of remembering to smize, or whatever they call it

3. Trying to keep on a poker face because getting beaten up at this juncture is part of his dastardly master plan to keep his job

4. realizing that he dreamed it would end this way

Worst: Welp, I Hope You’ve Been Enjoying Raw

Next week, Triple H returns. Here is my reaction to the news:

SCANNERS

Although at this point it would be pretty funny of Triple H to show up, hear what Punk had to say, and respond with “you were always an asshole to me, f**k you” and pedigree him. And then Kevin Nash shows up, pats John Cena on the shoulder and tells him he knows what he’s going through. Either way I will not be watching, because I needed my brain and eyes to watch and my exploding skull sorta took care of them.

Before we finish, my ten favorite comments from last night’s Best and Worst Open Thread. If you aren’t following these every week, what’s wrong with you? These guys are way funnier than me.

Jake Howell:

I’m flipping between Raw and the GOP debate. I don’t know which one romanticizes violence more.

LastTexansFan:

WOO WOO WOO. MY BACK. YOU BROKE IT.

Philip Rosenbaum:

CM Punk uses commercials to take his pants off. Kind of unsettling.

Yikes, he did, didn’t he?

With Leather favorite THESTINGER with a sentiment I’ve been screaming for years:

All this talk of numbers and the Royal Rumble make me geek out. Wouldn’t it be awesome if everyday matches actually mattered in some way and impacted meaningful statistics?

WilliamBatts:

I work as an Athletic Trainer and I have never wrapped anyone’s back for any kind of back injury. I get that they need to sell this but don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. Just grab your back and writhe in pain you awkward bodied moron.

seancollierpgh, qualifying for the phrase “those fat headhunter guys”:

So everyone is eligible, for the first time ever? Were there stern eligibility requirements in the past? Have you ever seen some of the people who have been in the Royal Rumble? Coach was in it twice. Seriously. Shane Douglas made it like 20 minutes in ’91. Those fat Headhunter guys showed up, did it, then left forever. Is there something we don’t know about? Did you need to have a 3.0 GPA or higher to be entered? Seriously.

Tobogganing Bear:

Zack Ryder may be medically cleared, but if he were smart he’d produce a note from his doctor recommending against getting smothered on the mouth by seven foot tall fire conjurers.

IrishCream:

When Zack’s hair goes down, it’s like it’s trying to frown

mike_a, with wrestling sabermetrics action:

So ya though, that match was for a U.S title shot right? does that not apply to Kane or does he just count success in hates earned

Generic Username:

Zack Ryder is the new Frank Grimes. He worked and did everything in his power to get to this meager position and now fights worse and worse odds every week in order to merely survive, while the people who are ostensibly his friends get everything handed to them.

See you guys next week, and don’t forget to come back on Thursday (or possibly Friday, or both) for the Best And Worst Of Royal Rumble 2000.


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