Best: Hornswoggle Gets His Christmas Wish Four Years Early
Four years before he wasted a Christmas Wish on the “ability to talk”, Hornswoggle was simply “Little Bastard”, a Leprechaun who lived under the ring and gave Fit Finlay a small, man-shaped object with which to hit people when his penile shillelagh was unavailable. I can’t confirm, but this might’ve been the first time they ever called him “Hornswoggle”.
But yeah, Hornswoggle reveals that he’s not afraid of the Boogeyman, he’s afraid of the Little Boogeyman, establishing in canon that Hornswoggle isn’t a midget but in fact a shoot leprechaun, which complicated the whole “why does the Boogeyman have a little version of himself too” thing and made the jabbering child custody stuff that came later even worse. Maybe the part of his brain that controls speech was ruptured when JBL launched a trashcan at his face at Wrestlemania 24.
Throwing Hornswoggle in the garbage is more or less the last time he was intentionally funny for years. Fun fact: Hornswoggle’s WWE run has lasted four years longer than Brock Lesnar’s and five longer than Ultimo Dragon’s.
Worst: Unnecessary Soundbites Before Entrance Themes
This match (which, for the record, is Finlay and Hornswoggle vs. The Boogeyman and Little The Boogeyman) features two of my least favorite WWE entrance themes — the kind that have someone talking before the music starts. I don’t know what the formal name for them is, but I know the worst ever is a tie between Bob Holly’s HOW D’YA LIKE ME NOW and Stevie Richards’ I’LL SHOW YOU, YOU’LL SEE.
Boogeyman and Finlay both have themes that over-explain what they’re doing. Boogeyman’s is “I’M THE BOOGEYMAN! AND I’M COMING TO GET YA! HAHAHA” which was established when he crawled out in red smoke with worms hanging out of his mouth and bashed himself in the head with a comically-oversized alarm clock. Finlay’s “My name is Finlay, and I love to fight” is somehow even worse and is basically a WWE job interview prefacing some stereotypical Celt Rock. Putting FINLAY across the screen and having him fight would’ve accomplished it.
Somebody help me make a site where we record new, more appropriate blurbs for pre-entrance theme use. Boogeyman’s should be I’M THE BOOGEYMAN, AND I HOPE MY LEGS STAY TOGETHER. Finlay’s can be PLEASE PAY 20 DOLLARS TO SEE ME STIFF SAMI CALLIHAN.
Worst: The Boogeyman Is Basically The Worst Wrestler Of All Time
Boogeyman’s gimmick was dumb but effective, and if he’d had the wrestling ability of a Dolph Ziggler he probably could’ve taken it to God knows where. Unfortunately he had the wrestling ability of Raja f**king Lion and couldn’t make anything look natural, so his matches are full of random choke holds, shimmy dancing and Stinger Splashes where he gets a running start, jumps straight up about a foot away from the guy and then “splashes” down on them with the impact of an Eve Torres moonsault.
For whatever reason I have a lot of oddly positive memories of The Boogeyman, but damn, watching him move around is like an endless loop of Kelly Kelly running the ropes.
Best: JBL During This Match
I mentioned problems with JBL’s commentary on the last page, but don’t let that take away from how unbelievably funny the man can be, whether he’s talking over a pre-Crisis The Miz match or trying to figure out how he wrestled in the same ring where Hornswoggle is de-worming a black midget.
JBL has three fantastic commentary moments during this:
1. When Hornswoggle and Little Boogeyman finally have their “fat guys noticing each other in the Royal Rumble” moment and get ready to throw down, JBL says, “WE GON’ HAVE US ONE HELL OF A LITTLE FIGHT”. That’s moments after saying the match has been “Gulliver’s Travels meets Disney on acid”.
2. Getting upset that MYcull is calling Hornswoggle “Little Bastard” (despite Little Bastard being his announced name) and suggesting that Swoggle’s parents aren’t “Mr. and Mrs. Bastard”.
3. Saying Finlay should jump up and down on the Little Boogeyman’s belly until he spits out worms.
That’s some quality color, right there.
Best: Violence To Minis
JBL mentions it himself, but this match validates my theory: as proven by King Kong Bundy at Wrestlemania 3, little people wrestling is not funny. However, things done TO little people DURING wrestling IS. For example, Hornswoggle going HA HA and jumping up and down isn’t funny, but it’s a f**king riot when JBL fallaway slams him into a cage wall. A midget named “Little Beaver” isn’t funny, but dropping a 458 pound elbow on him is.
Regardless, WWE could stand to bring Mini Goldust and Mini Vader out of retirement.