Best: Coming Up With A Reason For Why Deuce And Domino Exist
At one point JBL is all THEY GOTTA COME OUT HERE WITH THIS STUPID GIMMICK BUT BELIEVE ME DEUCE AND DOMINO ARE FOR REAL. And while “Seven-ing” them was probably the best call, trying to figure out why they exist is way more fun. I have two theories:
1. They are 1950s enthusiasts, like those assholes you know who wear cat eye glasses and pomade their hair because they didn’t develop a personality organically and ended up just picking one. Instant super heels. The only time you’re allowed to look like this after 1955 is in Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
2. The better theory: they aren’t 1950s enthusiasts, they’re time travelers FROM the 1950s and that old timey car they drive out is their time machine. They aren’t driving in from backstage, they’re arriving through a rip in the space-time continuum. That’s why you can hear 50s music in the background … it’s not a WWE entrance theme, it’s playing in real time wherever they come from. As you may have learned from movies, the only way you can tell when it’s the 1950s is if 1950s hits are playing.
Option two opens up a myriad of ideas why they’d want the tag team championships, ranging from a Sports Almanac-like power they’d get from bringing back future gold to a full reverse Marty McFly wherein they found out what happens with Chris Benoit and were trying to paradox the WWWF into never existing.
Read more about these ideas in Deuce And Domino: Many Waters, my latest sci-fi novel for WWE Press.
Worst: Cherry’s Rollerskates
Cherry is hot. Okay, she’s not hot, necessarily, but there’s something foxy about her. If you put her next to Maryse she’d look like a Saint Bernard, but if she was that busty blonde lady in her early 30s who waits tables with you and she’s kinda into 50s sh*t she would be top shelf tail.
THAT being said, Cherry has committed a Dynamic Dudes-level insult to wrestling fans by wearing rollerskates that don’t roll when she walks to the ring. I’m not sure I ever noticed it (or whether I just forgot noticing it, because seriously, it’s Cherry) but now that I do I can’t notice anything else.
Worst: London And Kendrick Really Could’ve Been Something Special
When I was young, my favorite tag team was the Rock n’ Roll Express. They were fast, they worked together well and they never gave up, even when they were getting the mullet grease beaten out of them. I didn’t realize that girls liked them because they were cute.
Fast forward to now, and the closest thing I think we’ve gotten to a viable Rock n’ Roll Express for a new generation was Paul London and Brian Kendrick, affectionately known on the Internet as “Londrick”, affectionately known elsewhere as guys who really like to smoke pot and f**k around on the indies. They were fast, they worked well together and they never gave up, not counting that one time Triple H beat them up singlehandedly for no reason. Brian Kendrick was probably the first guy I ever openly admitted to finding attractive, because Christ, the guy is basically a lady’s head on Aladdin’s body.
They held the tag team titles for a long time, and while that in itself is cool, the reality is that the tag titles they held were about as prestigious as those fake ones the Headbangers dragged around because the only people they ever wrestled were schlubs like KC James, Idol Stevens, Domino and Deuce. If they’d had a Midnight Express, they could’ve been special. If they’d had moments to let the crowd in on their weird ass personalities more than having them wear masks when they ran to the ring, they could’ve been special. If WWE Cruiserweight wrestling wasn’t a Korean hillbilly in jeans trading badly done top rope finishers with the worst ever Guerrero … well, you get the point.
If I could go back in time and rebook one WWE thing it would be London and Kendrick. And not to get too far into it, but I’d keep Michelle McCool a naughty teacher forever and turn Idol Stevens into Damien Sandow as quickly as f**king possible.
Worst: “Smash Mouth” Wrestling
Oh, right. Another bad thing about JBL’s commentary is how much he hates wrestling that isn’t “smash mouth”, i.e. punches and kicks and bodyslams. He’ll mention in passing that Kendrick is exciting to watch because he can counter a Doomsday Device into a victory roll for a pin but goes on and on with one of his screaming asides about how Deuce is the second coming of Bruiser Brody because he bodyslammed a guy.
Seriously, he spends the entirety of the Booker T/Kane match talking about how they’re “two of the best to ever sports entertain” and are totally “smash mouth”. And guess what? Outside of what he’s saying, the only two things I’ve ever associated with “smash mouth” are the XFL and the band Smash Mouth. Both of those things were terrible. Why do I want to wrestle like Smash Mouth?
UP NEXT: BOBBY LASHLEY MAEKS POOPIES >=(