Best: “Hey MizFitz~!” Or, The Saddest Version Of The Miz Ever
Oh man, if you think Howard The Duck-faced, slow talking, brain-probably-not-completely-in-working-order modern Miz is a drag, wait until you see THIS version. Hey MIZFITZ, it’s Mike “The Miz” Mizanin, host of Smackdown and ECW lothario ready to be your bro in this DIVAS TALENT INVITATIONAL! His faux-hawk is bordering on Shingo levels of ridiculous, he’s wearing a suit two sizes too big for him, he’s got a shirt on that says WHITEBOY and he’s wearing FINGERLESS GLOVES. Ten extra bests if his talent is “doing the Bartman”.
Thankfully at some point after this Miz got stuck in a tag team with Johnny Nitro and things got better, but man, having seen the glory of MNM and the badness of prenatal Miz on the same show, did Mizanin eat Morrison’s heart and steal his powers?
Best: Enjoying Things Like Extreme Exposé Out Of Context
I was talking about this earlier with THESTINGER, regular commenter and guy responsible for this report having gifs. When we watched these shows in 2007 they were the worst. A mixed-dwarf tag team match, a Divas talent show, a Kennedy match … but the weird thing is that when you disconnect it from wrestling currently happening, a lot of this stuff becomes GOOD. I don’t know how it happens, but it does. When I pop in the DVD I don’t really care about the solid tag team main event, I fast forward to the part where Layla has curly hair and dances. Okay, the Kennedy match still eats a dick whole, but you know what I’m saying.
I’m not going to lie to you … the Divas talent invitational is my favorite part of this show. I get to see a bunch of old friends I hate (Brooke Adams! Maria!), remember some things I groaned through (Jillian and Ariel)(different kinds of groaning) and some things I love to reference now (Kelly Kelly as a BACKFLIPPING EXHIBITIONIST~). When they aren’t f**king up the show you’re trying to like, these segments are pretty funny.
Sorta like looking through an old yearbook and coming across that picture of your dorky friend wearing a pinstriped suit, doing intros for those terrible moments in high school talent shows when the popular girls lip sync to something.
Worst: Jillian Hall, Songstress
Jillian Hall, Singer You Won’t Enjoy is still one of the best gimmicks that shouldn’t have lasted more than 20 seconds ever. I think Jillian might’ve gotten the worst WWE stint of all time. Like, who would I rather be, the wedgie-giving magic mime wrestler who had a match and vanished, or the woman who had a growth on her face that was eaten off by some sort of boogerman? a fat guy dressed in all white who shows up as Droz’s drug dealer and disappears forever, or the lady who had to sing badly for like two years to make Vince McMahon grab his dick and laugh?
Jillian going “I know you want MAYYYYYYY” is pretty great (and made it into her themesong), but the way she reacts to someone saying “you’re not great at singing” by blaming it on Each And Every One Of You and then listing off things she hates about Diva strangers so they’ll walk out single-file and start a brawl is super pathetic and straight off the dry erase board at WWE Creative. If she’d farted from her mouth she would’ve been their Virgin Mary.
Worst: And The Rest!
As I mentioned, the Jillian stranger danger name calling brought out the remaining Divas (Ariel, Maria and Candice Michelle), which reminded me of three things:
1. How badly I want to sleep with Shelly Martinez (so badly)
2. How good Maria’s boobs look in a bra that doesn’t fit her
3. How happy I am that Candice Michelle will never wrestle again
Best: I Miss You And Your Gross Awfulness, Ashley Massaro
And then, there was Ashley. Sweet, sweet Ashley.
I gave “worst wrestler ever” honors to the Boogeyman earlier, but Boogeyman is the f**king Iceman Dean Malenko compared to Ashley Massaro. In case you don’t remember her, she was a high-priced escort and Playboy Internet And Quarterly girl who entered the Diva Search and wore a trucker hat, so SOMEBODY important fell in love with her and decided she’d be a “rocker grrl” and the new Trish Stratus.
Unfortunately for everyone, Ashley could not move without hurting herself, think without f**king it up or speak without ruining it. I remember being at the video game challenge thing in Orlando and having her waltz out on stage and yell WHAT’S UP NEW YORKKKKK. In Orlando. For Wrestlemania. AT DISNEY WORLD. And we all boo her, and after someone corrects her she’s all LOL GUISE JK I KNOW WHERE WE AT I’M A CRAZY ROCKER GIRL. That was Ashley, physically and mentally.
And I don’t know if you looked at the image at the beginning of this post, but she wasn’t really easy on the eyes, either. She was pretty, don’t get me wrong, she was situationally gorgeous (especially from specific angles) but she wasn’t EASY on the eyes. Her implants weren’t natural looking, she was extremely skinny, her torso carried too many muscles or something and looked like a bag of snakes and … man, I don’t even know.
But looking back, I miss her. I MISS her. I wish she was still around, doing something. She’s like an ex-girlfriend who isn’t important enough to stay friends with, and not great enough in any specific category to justify the effort you put into her. But you still want to be Facebook friends with her and look through her pictures from time to time, because f**k it, you liked her for SOME reason.