Best: This Triple Threat Match Is Daisy-f**king Fresh
I’m giving it a best, but I guess it doesn’t say a lot for the current state of wrestling when the words “triple threat match for the WWE Tag Team Championships” seems like the coolest and freshest thing to happen on Raw in months.
We’ve eased into this comfort zone of squash matches, one-on-one matches ending in interference from whomever one of the guys is wrestling at the pay-per-view and brawl-ending impromptu tag matches that a simple stip that was used to death 10 years ago and only exists now as a fun thing to do in the video games seems revolutionary. I want them to do more of this. I want Primo and Epico to earn their tag titles run in reverse, make us care at least a little about what’s happening with them by letting us see them do things (anything) on the reg.
I’ve got to say it was a little weird how segregated the teams were (Puerto Ricans versus black guys versus white guys), but that’s not as much of a complaint as an observation. I don’t care if they go back to the MILITANT BLACK ARMY VERSUS WHITE BIKERS VERSUS HISPANIC DRUG GUYS (?) IN WHITE PANTS faction warz thing from the Attitude Era if it leads to actual matches between actual guys.
Best: The Rosa Mendes Ring Entrance Is PG-Melina
The Best And Worst Of WWE No Way Out 2007 retro report features maybe half a page about how much I miss Melina Perez’s pre-PG, pre-pants vag-out splits entrance. Rosa Mendes standing on the ropes and corkscrewing her ass to the ground is no splits, but in a PG world, I’ll take it.
I’m not a big fan of wrestlers having video game style entrances that are exactly the same no matter what’s happening (for example, I don’t need to see Beth Phoenix pose at the top of the ramp, then sit backwards on the top rope and tumble backwards as if that requires any athletic ability whatsoever ((all it requires is your legs being the proper length))), but if we’re gonna be all “Divas” about the Divas, I will appreciate a good Divas ring thing. Melina is the obvious all-time champ, but Ariel from WWECW’s “hanging bat” is a close second.
Worst: Kane As Scott Steiner
Kane didn’t “bury” anybody (thank Christ he at least waited until someone got the pinfall before he wandered out and chokeslammed people), but unless he’s decided to Embrace The Hate for Carlito’s relatives, I don’t see a good reason for him to interrupt the post-tag stuff. It felt a little too much like an exclamation point on how little the audience is expected to care about the division. Yeah, I’m stretching on that one, but Kane is more or less the f**king Grim Reaper for wrestling situations and I don’t want to see the first triple threat tag match in ages dragged to Hell.
Of course, if it turns out Kane’s going back into that holding pattern where his main event push is over and he’s winning the tag belts with whoever constitutes 2012’s The Hurricane (Santino, maybe?), then whatever, I’m happy he’s not ghost riding the whip on a stunt ambulance anymore.
Worst: Did Otunga and Laurinaitis Just Throw Shade At The Artist?
Otunga: “Yes, I watched that boring show. I mean, the only good thing was Octavia Spencer winning.”
Laurinaitis: “I got a question: How does a guy not say one word in a movie and win best actor?”
Otunga: “Ohhhh, The Artist? Tell me about it.”
Laurinaitis: “I don’t get it.”
Somewhere, Marlee Matlin is gesturing angrily at her television. (Yes, I am assuming that Marlee Matlin watches Raw) (she probably enjoys it more than the rest of us)
Every segment on Raw should’ve started backstage with furrowed-brow Laurinaitis and condescending head-shake Otunga trying to talk about what happened at the Academy Awards and getting interrupted.
Laurinaitis: “And what was the deal with The Tree Of Life?”
Otunga: “A dinosaur … stepping on another dinosaur’s head?” /shakes head, sips coffee
Long: “HOLE ON A MINNET PLAYA”
(In addition to pretending Marlee Matlin watches Raw, I like to think that Teddy Long is deeply understanding of the films of Terrence Malick and that’s why he interrupted that conversation I just made up. “The movie has not only admirers but partisans—it can only be truly loved by attacking those too blind to see the truth. Now holla!”
UP NEXT: KELLY KELLY MAEKS POOPIES >=( 8
Also: Is Alicia Fox Standing On A Stepladder Or Something