Worst: Eve Is Not Good Enough At This To Justify Eve
Critically-acclaimed wordsmith Kelly Kelly on the unbearable lightness of being Eve Torres, via Twitter:
I’ve seen what u guys have been saying about @EveMarieTorres And you know what I agree she is a sipping on that skankjuice. I mean who hooks up with her guy’s best friend and uses everyone of the people she works..well Ive seen the real her and she’s no friend of mine.
Just when you think you know someone…YOU DON’T.
On Raw, Eve Torres walked to the ring in a more revealing than usual dress, completely with new “whore” mannerisms or whatever, and delivered a promo about how she’s one of the most beautiful women in the world. She ran into former Best Friend Forever Kelly and laughed at her concerns, filling out the heel turn so many people said justified last week’s still jarring slut-shaming thing. The video package with all the name-calling accentuated with gunshot sound effects or whatever doesn’t help.
Anyway, both the Eve promo from last night and Kelly’s tweets are examples of how WWE gave Eve a heel reaction, then worked to justify it. Cena says Eve used people and lied to them. Kelly says Eve hooked up with her guy’s best friend. The truth of the matter is that Zack Ryder was never “her guy” and the closest she came to “hooking up” with Cena was kissing him in a heated moment, unless we’re to understand that Cena banged her on top of the ambulance or something after the show. Cena’s claims are just as bad, because the only thing Eve ever did heelish happened in the first minute of that show, where she TELLS the Bella Twins that she used Zack (for what is still not explained) and wanted to use Cena, and Cena overheard it. That’s it. But from the mouths of babe-faces comes this story about how Eve’s always been a gold-digging bitch, and now Eve gets to act that out so they’re right.
It’s fine, and if Eve had Lita’s shoot gusto about it maybe it’d work, but … well, I guess it works, the crowd really loves writing hoeski on signs and yelling at her, so
Best: Cody Rhodes Presents
Anyway, back to people who are great at their jobs.
The freshness of Nataly’s farts have seemingly started to subside, so I’m watching enough of Smackdown to see two-defenses-in-200-days Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes’ ongoing series of embarrassing Big Show Wrestlemania moments, and lord, there is no better way to casually reference your company’s history than this.
Cody should keep the entire WWE tape library on file and taunt every single person he wrestles with footage like this. It doesn’t have to be Wrestlemania moments … every WWE Superstar (Cody included) has lived through a mass of humiliating bullsh*t. So if he’s facing, say, Goldust, he can show footage of him being stripped to women’s underpants by Roddy Piper at Wrestlemania, being pulled around in a ball gag by Luna Vachon or getting curse-Tourette’s from an electric shock. If he’s wrestling Wade Barrett he can show a bunch of NXT challenges and that time Wade pretending like John Cena seriously injured him when all he did was drop a bunch of chairs onto a wooden pallet Wade was under. Even guys like Heath Slater and JTG have footage of them losing in moments to a fat dancing dinosaur who is never appearing again.
Additionally, how great is it that Big Show’s assumed answer to Cody’s Wrestlemania humiliation videos is to team up with Shaq in a tag team match? You deserve to be treated like this, Big Show.
Best: Sheamus, The Concerned Tag Team Partner
The most adorable moment of Raw goes to Sheamus, who stood quietly while the Big Show stared down Cody Rhodes, but started tapping him on the arm like a little kid and going HEY, HEY LOOK, HEY LOOK MARK HENRY’S GETTIN’ UP FELLA YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHIN’ when Mark Henry started getting up. Eventually he realized Show wasn’t going to listen to him, so he calmly tagged himself in and eliminated the threat.
Worst: R.I.P., Good Mark Henry
The only real downside is that the “threat” he eliminated was Mark Henry, the guy who three months ago was the Baddest Motherf**king On The Planet, a 450+ pound freight train who snapped the legs of the toughest guys around and just lifted and dropped you to death if you looked at him wrong. This is Mark Henry, the most dominant champ in years, the guy who flattened Randy Orton and pinned him clean. The Hall Of Pain. HIS BLOOD DON’T PUMP KOOL-AID.
Well, last night Sheamus busted him open and I swear to Christ I saw Purplesaurus Rex dripping down his face. Mark Henry looked like an asshole trying to get in the ring, was immediately knocked down, and as soon as he managed to get up he was helplessly kicked to f**k and pinned. How did this happen? He lost last week in a few minutes, and last night he looked like someone had Space Jammed him and stolen his wrestling ability. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.
Worst: Wait A Minute, Where Are Triple H And The Undertaker?
Last week I declared that any and all Triple H and Undertaker tough guy back-and-forth would be replaced by kitten pictures and Hayley Williams from Paramore gifs. This week, neither Triple H nor the Undertaker make an appearance. I don’t know if it’s because they’d feel overshadowed by The Rock, or if WWE sincerely reads my columns and responds to my criticisms by making me as unhappy as possible.
Next week I expect one of two things:
1. The show to begin with at least 50 minutes of Triple H and Undertaker saying “this business”.
2. Me starting a Hayley Williams Tumblr.