The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/26/12: Taking A Bullet For A Vegan

By: 03.27.12


Best: Kelly Kelly’s Orange Level Is Over 9000

That’s impossible!

Between her yellow hair, pumpkin orange skin and Crayola red-orange gear, Kelly’s starting to look like the ass end of a color wheel. And I know Kelly Kelly gingerly running the ropes has become a stalwart example of why she shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a wrestling ring (not to mention the way she covers up her boobs with her arms during her whirly-doodle, as if centrifugal force is gonna take over and accidentally boob somebody in the face in the front row), but I’ve really grown to love it. She runs those motherf**kers like she’s doing the shuttle run.

Also, Eve may have replaced Alicia Fox losing and remaining motionless for 5 minutes after a kick to the back of the leg as the least believable Divas loss of the year. Come on, that Oklahoma Roll from Kelly was the loosest butthole ever, if you’d moved any part of your body you would’ve escaped. If a stiff breeze had rolled in and mussed your hair Kelly would’ve went flying backwards.

An extra Worst goes to Beth Phoenix for “trying to get” Kelly by rolling into the ring as Kelly rolled out beside her.

Worst: Jerry Lawler Is Right

“Maria wasn’t even here tonight, and Kelly Kelly victorious!”


Worst: And Also, CM Punk’s Sister-In-Law Is A Kleptomaniac!

I’ve justified Chris Jericho’s attempts to get under CM Punk’s skin as the beginning of a rehashed (but great) Ring Of Honor angle and as an extension of his January trolling gimmick, but after last night, yeah, I’m just ready for them to be done. Getting to Coolest Guy In The Room CM Punk by ragging on his family is a great idea, but Jericho may be going about it in the worst way possible … by setting up and assumedly play for a satellite broadcast crew to air one arbitrary-ass thing he’s made up about someone on a video screen each week. The hell is that?

“Your father is an alcoholic” was a great way to stab the confidence of a Straight Edge guy, even if said Straight Edge guy would’ve assumedly had a response to that, having heard it at least one other time in his life. “Your sister does drugs” was fine but more of the same, made worse by Punk just saying “it’s a lie, she’s fine” later in the show. This week’s chestnut, “your parents got married but they weren’t married when they conceived you, so you’re a bastard” is the stupidest, most 1955 Controversial sh*t ever, and there is literally no reason why Punk shouldn’t have responded with “so? Who cares if my parents are even married? Are you serious? This is stupid.”

I know a wrestling audience can be a little “middle America” when it comes to values (booing a guy for wearing a turban, cheering when R-Truth tells Alberto Del Rio to “go back to Mexico”, booing gay people, laughing at homophobia, cheering when Austin stunners Stacy for politely turning down his beer offer, cheering when Austin holds a gun to a guy’s head and makes him beg for his life), but God, is there one person who went GASP OH MY GOD NO, NO PUNK SAY IT AIN’T TRUE when they found out his parents had premarital sex?

At Wrestlemania Jericho should ask for a microphone before the match and reveal that Punk once let his Negro maid use the white people toilet. And Punk should get SO PISSED.

Worst: CM Punk Vs. Christian Not Happening

For the first time in a few weeks, Raw announced a match that got me excited. “Oh, CM Punk vs. Christian!” I thought. I haven’t seen that a million times, and I like them both! Christian’s matches are always good, and I’m happy he’s back in time for Wrestlemania! Hooray let me finish these dishes and actually go back in the living room because I won’t black out from shock boredom between ‘White Collar’ commercials!

At no point did my analytical wrestling brain think, “Christian is still injured and this is gonna be a quick storyline thing to write him out”. It’s one of those times where I’m super disappointed and kinda sad, but not in the way I can write paragraphs about. I just wish the match had happened, and that it hadn’t been replaced by Chris Jericho saying “Wally Weaver died from CANCER, Punk, and it was all your fault!” and having Punk teleport to Mars.

Best: Christian’s Hair

Regardless of how little he wrestled, Christian gets a pat-on-the-back Best for me for showing up to wrestle on Raw looking like the f**king Sherminator. He must be going to that same 1950s barber Jack Swagger uses, the one who says “shame about all the hoo-ers these days!” when he’s shaving them and gives them bright ideas.

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