The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/5/12: In Celebration Of Transvestite Wonder Women

By: 03.06.12

Best: The Rock Being Shook Is Canon

I can’t tell you how happy it made me to have Cena start his main-event segment by making surprised face at the camera and announcing that The Rock was SHOOK UP~. He was, he totally was, and it’s not normally the kind of thing that gets talked about. In the “reality era” people are quick to jump on “worked shoots” or indy wrestler namedropping (hi, Colt Cabana) or whatever, but the real Reality we should be working with is calling out the dumb sh*t that happens on TV and building from it.

That’s why I was so disappointed in where the Rock took things.

Best: Rock’s Got Nothing

Cena made it very clear that he didn’t want stammerin’ Dwayne at Wrestlemania, he wanted The Rock, the WWF ideal of THE ROCK with the eyebrow and the pineapple hair and the 500-dollar shirts who calls Jennifer Flowers “honey” and beats everybody. What he got was more Dwayne.

Here’s the problem: for the longest time, Cena’s only talking point was “The Rock isn’t here”. That’s all he said for like six months. It’s what he used as the backbone of his speech a few weeks ago, too … that he’s here every week Entertaining You, The Fans and Rock is off somewhere drinking Mais Tai and getting blown by Vanessa Hudgens. Or Luiz Guzman, knowing Cena.

Anyway, Rock showed up and explained that by “I’ll never leave” he didn’t mean he’d never leave, he meant he’d leave SOMETIMES, and whatever, that’s fine, he’s a movie star and he’d be stupid to show up on Raw every time they need a fourth. Somewhere around then Cena decided to change up his talking points, and the Rock hasn’t recovered. Now Cena has all sorts of material — you’re never here PLUS you’re an out of touch movie star, plus you’re underestimating me, plus you speak in babytalk and you’re pretending to be the dude you were, because now you’re soft. Rock’s entire comeback, every single time, is “you look stupid and are gay”.

That’s it. That’s all he’s got. Rock “stripped away” all the catchphrases and the glamor and the fame at Cena’s request, and what was left? “Here are my measurements and you’re a bitch”. That’s what he had before he stripped that sh*t away. So what does that mean? Besides “Dwayne Johnson The Rock, The Rock Dwayne Johnson”, it means Cena is right. This week Rock tried to do to Cena what Cena did to him seven days prior — interrupt his grand speech, make a quick, impactful point about how he was gonna beat him up, then leave. Instead of stammering on about nothing, Cena dismissed him with a wank and celebrated with the fans.

He made the same AFHV audience who cackled at “transvestite” chant “Tooth Fairy” at their idol. That’s saying something. Rock needs to actually say something before April 1. 20 minutes of research and he could MANGLE Cena on the microphone, but he’s not gonna do it.

And while I’m at it, yes, I still want Austin to show up on his ATV and just beat them both up.

Worst: Delusions And Justifications

John_Cena_Crowd_Leap_WWEI’ve gotten into a lot of arguments with Rock fans lately, and I need to make something clear. I get pretty close to insulting wrestling fans en masse in this column, and while a lot of that is deserved, it’s not my thing to do. I AM a wrestling fan, and when I say “people are stupid for watching this” I’m including myself in “people”.

The issue I have with the Cena/Rock dynamic is how differently people approach things. When I’m saying “Cena’s getting the better of this feud”, I’m saying it based solely, solely on what happens on television. People who back the Rock seem to be approaching it from EVERYWHERE … what they see on TV, what happens backstage, dirt sheets, what they remember from 15 years ago, fantasy booking, everything. So when The Rock runs down Cena, they say it’s funny. When Cena runs down the Rock, they think Rock has been sabotaged and Cena is shooting (or whatever) and it’s all part of the script … WWE wants a divided crowd, so they’re writing Rock to look bad to get it. But when the Rock says something to make them laugh, ROCK did it, not the writers. The writers didn’t write Rock to look cool because they want you to think The Rock is cool.

I don’t get that disconnect. Everything that happens on TV is Pro Wrestling TV. One guy isn’t real and the other kayfabe … they’re two wrestling characters interacting on wrestling. What’s good for the goose is good for the other, horse-dicked goose.

Best: A Big Johnny Smackdown!

I’m lifting my Natalya Farting ban for John Laurinaitis as general manager of Smackdown this week. I will do a Best and Worst column for Monday if at any point during the show he hears Natalya fart, then offers her some Beano or a Tums and is all, “that’s embarrassing, but it’s just farting, don’t worry about it. If it persists, see a doctor”.

And then he and Otunga get in their time machine and visit Ancient Egypt.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week


Someone should probably tell Cena that it’s not okay to call a black person “Boy” (even if they’re half-black). Then again, when in Boston…

Oshit Umenyiora:

Rock fans sure do have a hard time coordinating their chants, which makes sense, because the last time they saw him in the ring, they were the age of the Cena fans they mock


24/7 365 says the back of The Rock’s shirt that he’s wearing during a leap year.

Stone Cold Jane Austen:

Boots to Aspergers


R-Truth Turning Raw into The Truman Show might be the greatest thing ever.

Oops Pow Surprise:

Who wants to tell the Rock that the founding fathers would have probably had him shot?


I’m all for these empty arena pre-recorded promos, so long as it leads to R-Truth doing one Gollum-style.

M4G3RK, explaining the whereabouts of column comment regular THESTINGER:

I think he is busy studying his Rosetta Stone “Indian Edition” for his eventual trip to go see Ring Ka King live.


“I’m Josh Mathews and I’m here with Eve…Eve, how does it feel to know that Zach Ryder has most definitely thought about you while masturbating?”


This is an excellent edition of Inappropriate Ponytail Theatre.

And my new favorite comment of all time, from Jo3yHuds:

Heard joke once: Man goes into doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says “Treatment is simple. WWE Raw Supershow is in town tonight. Go and see it. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says “But, Doctor…I’m Santino Marella.”

Good joke.

Everybody laugh.

Roll on snare drum.


Edit: Additional Best: @MrBrandonStroud Signs At Raw Whether They Get On Camera Or Not

And if it did, somebody needs to get me a screenshot ASAP. Huge, huge thank you to reader Mike Germano. (Also, real talk: ACH would make Kofi Kingston look like Great Khali)

See you guys next week. Don’t forget, tweet and like and SOCIALLY NETWORK this column. Help me make it a real thing.

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