BEST: LORD TENSAI TIME
I actively avoid a lot of rumor sites because I don’t like feeling like a prisoner so I had no idea who Tensai was until Mr. Stroud said so on this very column a couple weeks back. I’m not mad at him, but if I hadn’t known then I wonder what my train of thought would be.
– Is that Prince Albert?
– No, it’s not, it’s A-Train.
– Aren’t they they same person?
And then Trish Stratus would have appeared and said “Test and Albert. T and A.” real awkwardly. And then I would have been so excited I would have popped in my Wrestlemania 2000 DVD to see Test and Albert destroy Steve Blackman and Al Snow back when tag team wrestling and questionable Wrestlemania undercards mattered.
Anyways, sometimes I do want to feel like a prisoner so I watch Wife Swap and one time I saw this kid go to a tattoo shop as part of some sort of family team building adventure and when asked what he wanted to get permanently inked on his body he replied with “I don’t know some art shit”. I imagine that’s what Tensai said as well but he wanted that art shit all over his arms and chest and head and face too.
Pop quiz, if you had to either have Tensai’s face thing or Alex Riley’s giant cross on your body foreves, which would you take?
WORST: SAW YOU PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, BRA
I smell a big meeting with the WWE Production Division of Producers sometime soon. There were a handful of flubs at Wrestlemania (cameras kept going to blur town, HBK’s pyro didn’t go off) and we just saw Tensai put something in his mouth because the production truck cut to the wrong camera I think.
I guess it’s part of his finisher but isn’t it cooler when we don’t see how the whatever got in his mouth the first time?
BEST: MARK HENRY BACK IN THE PICTURE
It’s cool when WWE pushes someone near the top and we’re all like “oh, this is interesting” (like Mark Henry) and then that person does a pretty good job of being at the top (like Mark Henry). It’s also frustrating when someone just kinda gets tossed out of the main event picture after a title run (like Mark Henry) because it doesn’t really take much effort to keep that person as “whoa, good” in our minds. Giving this title shot to Mark Henry the night after Wrestlemania makes me happy. It keeps him high status which is what you want your main eventers to be at all times, right?
Mark yelling “I AIN’T TOLD YOU TO MOVE YOU MOVE WHEN I TELL YOU” while Punk is all sprawled out and beat up is pretty awesome because man, I believe him. When people hook his leg in a pin it’s like they are trying to lift a trunk packed with sap (heavy). This guy is legit looking so shouldn’t he be legit booked ALL OF THE TIME. He also works out at Hyde Park Gym in Austin, Tx sometimes and I chose this column to let Brandon know that to make sure he’s actually reading.
BEST: COUNTOUT TO WIN
I don’t care, I’m into it. We hear the word “countout” so many times every week and we also see the referee counting to ten all the dang time but it doesn’t ever happen. I mean, Mark Henry is no (huss, huss) Berserker but he should be at least somewhat satisfied at getting a victory over the WWE Champion. It means he deserves a rematch. It means he’s legit because if anything, it at least means that he didn’t get pinned. That’s probably good enough criteria for a rematch at the next pay-per-view, right?
And if you were running a wrestling fantasy league you award more points for a countout victory than you would a disqualification, right?
BEST: NATURAL DISASTERS COMING BACK!
I know everyone on Twitter made this joke all at once as well but come on. This is huge news. Was Johnny talking about Typhoon or Earthquake? Or maybe The Hurricane? Wrath? Meltdown?
A hybrid of Typhoon and Tugboat named Tugphoon or Typhoat? All of the above? The Ministry of Natural Disasters? The Natural Disaster World Order? The Disaster Foundation? The Natural Disaster Mafia? The 4 Natural Disatersmen? The Nation of Natural Disaster Domination?
If there was some online petition to create more stables in pro wrestling I’d sign it with every email account I’ve ever opened.