Worst: It’s All Right Rock, You Just Take A Nap And I’ll Have A Match Around You
I guess it’s all the bad will built up from a year of terrible Internet Tough Guy back-and-forth, but I didn’t like Rock/Cena. I liked the atmosphere of it, and I liked that it was built up as the biggest deal ever, but it really wasn’t … it was a retired guy against a guy nobody likes for 30 minutes.
I wasn’t impressed by The Rock in the ring. I’ve never been, honestly, but at least full time pro wrestler The Rock didn’t get gassed from two minutes of arm drags and have to hold a headlock for five minutes or take a f**king grounded bearhug to catch his breath. The entire match was built around scenarios wherein The Rock could rest … double jumping dog clotheslines, Cena bailing out of the ring for no reason, the People’s Elbow spot where Rock was just lying there in the middle of the ring for seriously like two minutes while Cena smirked and gestured at everybody. It felt like that Shawn Michaels/Triple H Hell In A Cell match I hated without the cell or the Hell or the blood. It was just … Rock vs. Cena. On paper, that ain’t great.
Best: The Miami Crowd
The Miami crowd did their best to make Rock/Cena into Rock/Hogan … an objectively terrible match elevated by the fact that everyone was SO INTO IT. People around me were compelled by everything that was happening and kept going COME ON ROCK or chanting BOOTS TO ASSES whenever the Rock would lie around, because I guess they have a more natural reaction to the story the guys were telling and not so much the basic wrestling training that makes you go “okay, he’s done” when a guy is legitimately sucking the hell out of some wind off a shoulderblock.
The crowd wanted it to be Rock/Hogan. I wanted it to be Rock/Austin, but that’s pretty stupid. I’m actually pretty shocked that Rocky won, too, but I guess Cena is relatively bulletproof to the child and lady audience he reps and Rock probably needs that Best Ever tag to keep him coming back to wrestling shows and looking like the world’s most important guy. That’s pretty important to them.
So this is it, I guess. The biggest match of all time. I don’t know if it’ll take on Hogan/Andre levels of Lore Importance (as that match was pretty much ass on a plate, too), but we’ll see. If The Rock is serious about getting a WWE title shot (and this doesn’t lead to Cena beating Punk randomly and them doing Cena/Rock 2 at Summerslam for the title) it could be something. Until then, at least in my mind, it’s that orangutan pissing in his own mouth.
A really rich orangutan.
BEST: This Guy
Oh, okay, so this guy:
See that look on his face? He had it for the entirety of Rock/Cena and he never sat down. Not sure if he was super drunk or just the younger version of the IT’S STILL RULL T’ME DAMMIT gent, but he reacted to everything that happened in the match by whimpering and explaining how the people around him needed to OPEN THEIR F**KING EYES. I thought by the CM Punk shirt he’d be a Cena hater, but he seemed to be more anti-Rock than anything. But then he’d groan when Cena kicked out and complain more to the people around him, so maybe he was just a smark on emotional overload?
Regardless, his story ends with him yelling at female security guards and flipping them off before being dragged out of the building, his poor girlfriend apologizing to everyone along the way.
Best: WrestleMania Is Like Going To Disneyland
WrestleMania 28 was a bad show, but I’m happy I went.
I have a lot of good memories from the show — joking with my friends, meeting new people, seeing some people I haven’t seen in years — and I’m reminded that the best thing that ever happened in the mainstream acceptance of professional wrestling is the existence of this big event that brings all the diehard jerks like me together with the people who used to watch and catch up with it once a year, and you all just kinda sit around complaining and laughing until it’s time to go. It’s nice. The wrestling sucks, but it’s nice.
It’s like going to Disneyland. You have a lot of fun when you’re there, but when you get home your story is just “we went to Disneyland”. Now I get to tell people “I went to WrestleMania”, and it’s a thing. I can’t do that with like, King Of Trios. King Of Trios was a thousand times better than Mania, but I can’t start a conversation with someone on an airplane about it.
Best: The YES Chants Carry On
We’re gonna get that champ back on the air, buddy.
Best: My Friend Katie As Kelly Kelly
In my second video of the report, my new friend Katie attempts to figure out the logistics of Kelly Kelly’s handspring back elbow by… well, doing it to me. Please enjoy:
The only major difference is that hers probably hurt a lot more than Kelly’s. If we can get together for Mania in Jersey next year, I’m gonna teach her how to whirlybird me with her arms over her chest so her tanner-slicked boobs don’t fly out.
Worst: Thanks For Putting On The Best Raw Ever While I’m Trapped In An Airport, Jerks
And the Best And Worst Of Wrestlemania 28 report ends like my trip did: with several hours of me standing and/or sitting in an airport with nothing to eat but Oreos, wondering if American Airlines was gonna be able to fix their mechanical error in time to get me home before Wednesday.
Meanwhile, on Monday Night Raw, the following happened:
- Brock Lesnar returned, destroyed Cena
- Lord Tensai debuted, used HAND SPIT to destabilize Alex Riley
- Abraham f**king Washington returned and the guy I got to fill in on my report had no idea who he was, and it was ABRAHAM WASHINGTON
- Chris Jericho finally took Punk to the next step of that old ROH story
- John Laurinaitis is now Emperor King Of Raw
And guess what happens on the next Raw, the one I’ll be able to watch and write about?
- “The Three Stooges” host
Maybe I’ll stop watching until WrestleMania 29.