Worst: These Palm Trees Aren’t Going Away, Are They
This was my epic view of the Big Show/Cody Rhodes Intercontinental Championship match. Not that I needed an intimate, independent wrestling-style experience to enjoy it, but Jesus, maybe I should try watching Extreme Rules next month from about 100 feet away from the television with a goddamn cat tunnel around my head.
Best: Dick Spear
The most painful moment of the night (besides maybe “CM Punk kneeing Chris Jericho’s head into the ring post” and “watching Kelly Kelly run the ropes”) goes to the Big Show’s high-workrate DICK SPEAR to counter Cody Rhodes’
Beautiful Disaster Kick.
Look at that thing. More wrestlers should counter moves like that. “Oh, are you trying to Codebreaker me? Just let me fall body-first into your dick.” “Oh, you’re gonna try to leap frog me? Just let me stand here under you and make your dick land on my shoulder.” It’s good for the reality of the in-ring product, but I guess it’s terrible for the guys’ dicks.
Best: Big Show Winning Sucked, But Was The Right Call
As I’ve mentioned several times during the one episode of Raw they’ve been showing for six weeks, Cody Rhodes’ incessant condescending video packages and Intercontinental Title Reign With No Defenses set it up so that anything other than a Big Show win would be backwards. Cody Rhodes is shoot one of the best pro wrestlers in the world right now and Big Show a 40-year old fat guy who does things like Dick Spears, but Cody dropping to show decisively was the right call.
Of course, it would’ve made a lot more sense to give Show/Cody the Daniel Bryan/Sheamus 18-seconds record. Bell rings, WMD, boom, new champion. It would’ve accomplished mostly the same thing, given Show more of a “WrestleMania Moment” than being a former World Champ who gets awarded a secondary title before he retires, and we would’ve gotten to see Daniel Bryan wrestle a wrestling match.
Worst: Maria Menounos Winning Sucked And Was The Wrong Call
WWE loves celebrities and it doesn’t make sense to have the people who’ve never wrestled lose to the professional wrestlers who are champions in your professional wrestling league (wait, what) so here we are watching Maria freaking Menounos wrestle with injured ribs and still pin Divas Champion Beth Phoenix with a roll-up. It seems entirely possible that we could’ve accomplished Maria’s WrestleMania Moment and had Kelly take the pinfall for her team at the same time. Especially considering that it’s Maria Menounos and not an actual celebrity who can get you ANY nominal publicity or sell a ticket.
That was the running theme for the night. On the same show, the biggest show of the year that some people make the ONLY WRESTLING SHOW THEY WATCH EVER, we saw:
1. A retired movie star defeat Only Marketable Guy Left John Cena
2. A TV co-host with injured ribs pin your best female wrestler
3. A rapper threaten and shove down a much smaller man who happens to be one of your wrestlers
So hey, if Extreme Rules has The Rock, Maria Menounos and Flo Rida competing on it, go right ahead and have those things happen. And have a guy from a Discovery Channel reality show about fishing stop by to make one of your beloved former champions look like a fat psychopath while you’re at it!
Worst: Two Stinks-Face In A Row, Really?
Big Show rubbed his asshole in Cody Rhodes’ face during their Intercontinental Championship match, so Asshole Rub Standard Bearer Kelly Kelly had to up the ante by pulling off a double Stinkface to Eve with Maria Menounos. When did Stinkfaces at WrestleMania become brainbusters on an indy show?
Best: Eve’s Tanner Skidmarks
The only good thing about
1. This match
2. All those Stinkfaces
is the fact that Eve Torres’ self-tanner rubbed off on Maria’s bright white pants and gave her skidmarks.