Best: John Laurinaitis And The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit
You knew I was gonna give a huge Best to Team Johnny, and more specifically to John Laurinaitis and his awesome Brother Love suit, right?
Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy turned out to be one of the most enjoyable matches on the show, probably because it was one of like three that had a reasonable build, so you knew what to expect and knew what was at stake. I’m happy that a lot of the less showcased guys got a spot on the WrestleMania card, I’m happy that John Laurinaitis’ team won and now he gets to be the general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, I’m happy that Zack Ryder is continuing his descent into unbelievable helpless futility and I’m happy that I didn’t have to eat crow in front of a bunch of kids for repping Team Johnny.
Best In Show: Dolph Ziggler’s Monkey Flip
Look at this:
No, seriously. Look at it.
If you aren’t just assuming the way Ziggler takes somebody’s offense will be the best part of a show, I don’t know what to tell you. A major thing to pay attention to here is that Zack Ryder should only be allowed to wrestle Dolph Ziggler, because when he wrestles someone like Mark Henry or Daniel Bryan he looks like a goofy jobber with two moves, but when he wrestles Ziggler he looks like the Incredible f**king Hulk.
Best: Being Right In The Face Of Teary-Eyed Children
I don’t want to be the guy who finds joy in the sadness of kids, but I’m just saying.
Worst: How Is This Still About Eve
One of the least enjoyable things about the Generals Manager match is how it ended with Zack Ryder once again getting screwed over by Scandalous Bitch (© WWE) Eve Torres, getting kicked in the nuts and left for dead (?). It was also another example of how hilariously pathetic Team Teddy was, as they just stood around together in ONE CORNER and watched it happen. Good job, guys, you really helped out here.
Booking suggestion: Move Zack Ryder and Eve to NXT so more casual Raw fans will tune in, and move Derrick Bateman and Kaitlyn (Kaitman) to Raw so they can make hundreds of thousands of dollars and be people strangers say OH WOW COOL about when I mention I’ve met them.
Worst: I Don’t Care How Funny And Vegan He Is, I’m Still Not Giving It Up For Mike Tyson
The explanation I gave people for my complete disinterest toward attending the WWE Hall Of Fame ceremony over the weekend was as follows: “I don’t really care about a Hall Of Fame with no physical location and no election criteria for a fake sport.” I think the Hall Of Fame is the only thing about wrestling that makes me call it fake. It’s a great idea to respect and honor the most important people who’ve helped your company, but damn, isn’t the Hall of Fame ceremony just a really congratulatory episode of Raw without any matches? If I wanted to see old people talk about what they used to do I’d watch Impact.
Anyway, Mike Tyson beat and raped women so hey, you were great at boxing and all but no, I’m not gonna get misty-eyed that you’re being honored by a show you’ve barely been a part of.
Best: Tully Blanchard~!
On the other hand, how great did Tully Blanchard look? Maybe there was a thing going on where anyone who stands next to Ric Flair looks like a virile, athletic 20-year old, but Blanchard looked as good as he’s looked since Magnum T.A. was driving shards of chair wood into his eyebrow. How much do I have to pay to get him to run down to the ring on Raw next week and Slingshot Suplex somebody?