The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 7/30/12: The Abyss Gazes Also

By: 07.31.12

Best: CM Punk Ripping Jerry Lawler A New Asshole

Oh God, how much did we all go back in time and fall in love with CM Punk for the first time for saying everything we’ve ever wanted to say to Jerry Lawler?

“Basically I told you straight up at the beginning of the show, your commentary is rotten. You have these agendas and these opinions of people and frankly you shouldn’t be, you know … nobody cares. Call the match, King. Tell me what’s going on. Watch your monitor.”

Lawler’s golden-tongued response is, “heh, well” and then a solid minute of silence until he can come up with something passive aggressive to say later. He tells Punk he’s taking notes when Punk is actually analyzing and calling the match, then suggests that The Rock is awesome and Punk “couldn’t electrify a fish tank if [he] threw a toaster in it!” The same guy who, 20 seconds earlier, Michael Cole said had “completely changed the direction of the WWE” when he beat John Cena for the title and walked out. The guy King’s been shouting “PIPE BOMBBB” about for a year. I guess when Lawler gets criticized he assumes the criticizer is Michael McGillicutty. You know what the worst part is? Some dumb kid or teenager or adult is going to hear Lawler say that and use it as a talking point on the Internet. “The Rock is better than CM Punk because he’s ELECTRIFYING!” And it’s f**king meaningless, so they Tout it, and there they are on Raw.

CM Punk, if they can’t come up with anything better than “triple threat match between guys who always get title shots”, just stay calm and explain how everyone around you is a stupid jerk. I’ll keep watching.

Best: This Cena/Show Match Really Wasn’t Half Bad

Aside from Cena’s ridiculous monster faces when he had Big Show in a sleeper neck crank, the Cena/Show main event of Raw was one of the better matches they’ve had. Someone pointed out that Cena hasn’t done a lot other than lie around on the mat pretending to be nearly comatose since WrestleMania, so maybe he learned how to put together a match from The Rock. Show continues to excel as the BIGGEST POSSIBLE GUY who just punches you in the chest until you can’t breathe, then punches you in the face until you can’t live. That’s a strong gameplan, and makes “a punch” seem more like a finisher and less like a thing he should just do to you the second he sees you.

Kudos to Michael Cole tonight, by the way, for calling the match as best he could while Punk drove Lawler into the ground and King furiously scribbled knock-knock jokes and Yo Mama snaps from 1982 on his script.

Worst: I Need A Little More Than This, Everybody

The finish to the show was … I don’t know, underwhelming? Vince puts AJ in charge because she’s CRAZY~, right? Because he wants it to be the most exciting show it can be. So she makes a John Cena/Big Show singles match, then just puts them both into a triple threat match? It ends with Punk yelling BLERGH I DESERVE RESPECT and her making kissy faces and saying she’s the General Manager? This isn’t the character dynamic I signed up for. How great would it be if they took the McMahon/Austin dymanic and made it about two co-workers who used to f**k, and now one of them is the other’s boss just as he’s facing the biggest challenge he’s ever faced and is stressing the hell out about it? That’s an easy jump-off, guys. What’s even easier is AJ putting people into Evening Gown Inferno Matches and shit because she’s supposed to be “shaking things up”.

Or, you know, the Diva GM making one or more Divas matches.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Johnny Slider

Fun-Fact: AJ actually got that suit two years ago as a Lawyer She-Hulk costume.

Harry Longabaugh

Daniel Bryan is the one who knocks

radwithaB and Duchess, with a combo effort

DX is the most SEC Stable of all time if you think about it.

HBK = Ol Miss

HHH = Bama

Road Dogg = Georgia

Gunn = LSU

X-Pac = South Carolina… cause no one cares about him

Tactileneck Expert

Sandow will now invite the youth to perform a Viennese Waltz with him.


Now, I’m suppose to do AJ’s job for her? THANKS OBAMA


Did my #PunjabiPrison votes not get counted?

Harry Longabaugh

Opinions are like assholes. And Jerry Lawler’s is currently bleeding.

El Tigre Azul

That’s a Clown Kick, Brogue.


I would have marked out if the doctor said, “Then why does your driver’s license say “Bryan Danielson”?


Stephanie and Hunter Kids Fun Facts: They are named Veruca and Augustus.

That’s it for this week, everybody. See you next week, and hey, if you’re gonna be at SummerSlam, let me know. We can totally high-five.

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