Worst, For Probably The First Time Ever: Vickie Guerrero
Ugh, that feels horrible. Vickie gets her first Worst in ages for two big reasons:
1. Vickie interrupting the first good-ish Divas match on Raw in FOREVER isn’t a big deal, but the WAY she did it was terrible. If she’d sat at the announce table or interrupted Layla’s celebration at the end she would’ve accomplished the exact same thing, but having her stand on the ring steps, roll her eyes the whole time AND HAVE THE CAMERA CUT TO HER ROLLING HER EYES THE WHOLE TIME at the expense of the match was the WORST. You could almost see the evil ghost of Vince McMahon possessing her, cackling on the inside as Layla and Natalya try their best to put on a decent women’s wrestling match in the WWE cage and get shuffled off-screen for their efforts. YOU WANT WOMEN’S WRESTLING, WELL HEEERE IT IS, DAMMIT
I think women can be exceptional professional wrestlers and love to watch them compete as human beings (and not sexy sideshow acts … B.L.O.W., I’m looking in YOUR direction), plus I’m a big fan of Layla, Natalya and Vickie … but even I found myself distracted by Vickie’s bullshit, not paying to Natalya’s apron trap forearms or Layla’s best attempts at a Dragon Gate roll-up. It sucked a lot. I feel like they purposefully took away my experience, as fleeting as it was gonna be anyway.
2. Her post-match speech was terrible. Vickie has two voices: normal and screaming. Screaming is great, especially during his Dolph Ziggler introductions or whatever, but for any spoken piece of length she NEEDS to use the normal voice. She can work in a screechy EXCUSE ME for emphasis from time to time, but if she screams long enough you can’t really understand what she says, and all you focus on is the screeching. It was a terrible decision, and whoever put together this segment needs to watch it and lash themselves with a belt until they’ve figured it out.
Best: Natalya Remembers What Finlay Taught Her
I don’t want to go too far through this without giving a big Best to Nattie and Layla for busting their asses out there, Nattie in the figurative sense (trapping Layla in the apron, throwing that awesome brutal forearm that made Layla crumple behind it and “hide”) and Layla in the literal sense, what with all the ass busting.
The most depressing thing about the state of women wrestling in the Divas Division is that they’ve managed to collect (and discard) a group of talented women who could make something constructive out of it. The signing of Sara Del Rey is an obvious one, but you’ve got a legitimate division ace in Natalya already desperately clinging to a spot. People are convinced that Beth Phoenix is a great wrestler, so let’s see what she can do against people who really ARE. Layla tries as hard and is better than anyone realizes. The Chickbusters aren’t Speed Muscle in the ring or anything, but they’ve got enough personality to carry them through, and you’ve got women like Paige, Raquel Diaz and at least one functioning Funkadactyl ready to go. The Bellas are off to red carpet land and Kelly Kelly barely wants to be there. Pull the f**king trigger already.
Worst: So Is AJ Fired Now, Or What
Keeping it all in kayfabe and forgetting that everyone’s been fired so nobody should be in charge, Vince McMahon was relieved of his day-to-day duties for making things personal with a WWE Superstar and losing the WWE Championship to Comic-Con in the process. He was replaced by Triple H, who was removed for making things personal with a WWE Superstar. HE was replaced by John Laurinaitis, who got fired by Vince (whatever) for making things personal with a WWE Superstar. Vince replaced Big Johnny with AJ, and now what, a month removed from her position as GM she’s responding to Vickie Guerrero’s complains by slapping her in the face and clawing at her until she runs away.
So … is AJ fired for making things personal?
The truth of the matter is this: they’re making it up as they go, and they pretend like whatever’s convenient is what they’ve always done whether it is or not. But I’m forced to watch this show on its own merits, suspending disbelief and accepting the plots and characters as real life things, and … you know what? When I started this paragraph I wanted it to be an indignant thing about storytelling, but f**k it, I just want John Laurinaitis back. Fire AJ and bring back John Laurinaitis. It’s convenient for you this week. DO IT.
Best: Daniel Bryan, Master Of Skits
If you’re one of those Everyman Wrestling Assholes who thinks athletic pro wrestling is “doing flips and stunts” and thinks people under 6’2 can’t have personalities or be interesting, I hope you’re enjoying the biodegradable Tupperware substitute full of vegan ‘crow’ Daniel Bryan’s been shoving down your throat since January.
WWE backstage comedy skits are the worst, and yet somehow My Boy D-Bry Right There sells them convincingly enough to make them real, providing a desperately needed straight man who also happens to be out of his goddamn mind. That’s perfect. You can’t just stand in the locker room and make faces at Mark Henry’s Hand Son, you gotta get out there and scream in the faces of children in goat masks and threaten Scorpio Sky in Anger Management. You’ve got to put tape over the yeses on your shirt and write NO on them in magic marker so people will buy the exact same shirt twice. Hell, the guy even made a Tout featuring Hornswoggle amazing, and if I was making a list of the most impossible things to make enjoyable, “Tout” and “Hornswoggle” would be a solid numbers one and two.
They’re giving him the ball. He’s not only running with it, he’s gorilla slamming that shit, and the fact that it’s a football will not stop his dunking. Daniel Bryan is the Best In The World, and in a perfect world we’ll stop exclaiming things in his face one day and start chanting it like people who pay attention.
I’m really happy that these anger management segments are (I assume) continuing next week. I can’t wait to see their anger collages. Here’s the With Leather anger collage:
Bestish: This Was Probably The Best Miz/John Cena Match Ever, But Enhhhh
I try not to comment a lot in the open discussion threads (because people who post there read this column, and I don’t want to rehash too many jokes), but one comment I had to leave was about the announcement of Another Goddamn Miz And John Cena match. Miz and Cena are wrestling’s oil and water. On paper it’s fine, aside from there being no realistic way for a guy like Miz to beat a leaping tank monster like Cena, but in reality it’s almost always a draggy thing full of unnecessary taunting, crummy storyline shoehorning and Cena magically coming back to life because our clapping made it so to dispatch Miz like a f**king Imp.
Those things still happened in last night’s match, but Miz is taking himself seriously enough now that it was … better. I liked watching it, even if a character who doesn’t care about secondary titles shouldn’t be pinning your Intercontinental Champion clean and the backstage fallout segment about it had Miz doing his “I beat John Cena at WrestleMania I am the most see whatever” thing again. I guess the best part is that it was good enough of a match to bump Miz/Cena down a spot on my List Of People I Never Want To See Wrestle Again, which currently stands at
1. Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston
2. Kofi Kingston and Anybody Else
3. Chuck Palumbo and Tommy Dreamer (trust me, it was the worst thing ever)
4. John Cena and The Miz
5. TNA Impact