Worst: Crap, Is Randy Orton Vs. Kane Our Main?
Shades of WrestleMania 28! Note: 95% of the WWE audience does not remember that Randy Orton fought Kane at WrestleMania 28, because a) it wasn’t important, b) it happened a year ago, and c) if they’re like me, they were in a post Daniel Bryan/Sheamus fog for about 20 minutes and whiffed their entire thing.
But yeah, no. When Daniel Bryan and Kane have an argument backstage and Kane ends up in a match without Daniel Bryan involved, WWE’s only possible story is “Daniel Bryan walks out, Kane gets distracted, Kane’s opponent rolls him up,” remembering that the RKO is Randy Orton’s roll-up. It was fine, I guess, but of all the things we should be doing on the Road To WrestleMania, a Kane/Randy Orton match to lead into the “championship celebration” of a guy who defended a title he won a month ago is not one of them.
Best: The New WWE Championship
I’m digging the new belt and everything, but man, Rock’s “the belt should never look like a toy” thing is funny. Has he seen the Divas title? It looks like something you’d buy at Claire’s Icing. Has he seen the tag team titles? They are pennies with Spartan heads on them. If you made one big enough, Batman could keep it in his cave. Has he seen the Intercontinental Championship? It’s got a white leather strap. You know, like a ladies’ shoe. None of the non-Big Gold belts really look good.
Rest in peace, Spinner Title. I’ll miss wondering when they’re going to get rid of you every week.
Best: See You Never, Spinner
I have two recommendations for John Cena when he wins the championship at WrestleMania:
1. The next night, have a Championship Celebration. Unveil the old Spinner Title that Punk dropped on you at the end of this show, throw Rock’s big black class ring in the garbage and throw up middle fingers until the show ends.
2. You know those Brahma Bull logos on the sides of the belt? Those things detach, right? The toy version of the belt (cough) has WWE logos in their place. If future WWE Champions are going to get their logo on the belt instead of a nameplate, that means Cena could put a spinning WWE logo on both and have TWO spinners. He should also end the show with his middle fingers up.
Now I really want to see somebody like Epico fluke out and win the belt, just to have a backstage thing of him trying to draw an Epico logo and ultimately just handing in a jpeg of Dick Butt.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
I wonder if Jerry Lawler is as confused by obvious things in real life.
“Are you interested in any of today’s specials?”
“For 50 cents more you can get the large soda.”
“50 cents more!”
“We’re having a March Madness of the best Television dramas ever.”
“March Madness! What is that!”
Zeb Coulter needs to end every promo with a “roll tide”
You just have to wrestle with a bucket on your head Dolph, Del Rio would never hit that.
They should do a feud with these two where Ziggler says vaugely racist things but whenever Del Rio calls him on it, he points out he has a black friend “And whatever AJ is…”
“That would have worked if I wasn’t slowed down by these pesky tights” – Big E.
Lord Barvis and Lord Barvis (tie)
Can Swagger please have a Bear Hug finisher called “The 2nd Amendment” ?
If Lesnar wins the belt, he has to replace the Bulls with Jimmy Johns logos
Kofi Kingston has officially become the divas match that breaks up the good segments.
That was a great Dodge by the Viper.
Rock better perform Fleetwood Mac’s “Tusk”
Bonus Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night From Elimination Chamber
Should I start cutting out felt goatees for everyone to wear during the Cena vs Rock match at Wrestlemania?
Rock’s internal monologue is a loop of the sounds Eric Cartman makes when he’s running.
“Ugh… you guys… serously… seriously… you guys
Zeb Colter during the Big E/Kofi beatdown: THAT’S WHAT THEY DO
HELLO, MY NAME IS KANE, YOU KILLED MY FRIEND, PREPARE TO DIE
“Look at this — a man from hell coming to the WWE and stealing a job from an otherwise qualified American” — Zeb Coulter
“I have become Cesaro, destroyer of worlds.”
Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes have been best friends for as long as they can remember. Their love for one another is outmatched by nobody, until their relationship is threatened by personal greed and the politics of the company they work for. They must now try to save their once inseparable bond as they battle against a dancing dinosaur and white Japanese guy. Can they prevail? Or will they both be people they each used to know?
The Rhodes to Scholarly Love: Elimination Chamber 2013
Podolski’s Left Rocket
Rock vs Cena II: but she has a new hat!
Breaking news: Kofi Kingston found backstage, beaten to within an inch of his life by an unknown assailant. Police found him face down with a shattered baseball bat nearby and the letters “W/L” spraypainted on his back in what appears to be some sort of plant-based, earth-friendly paint. KnoxNews will have more on this story as it develops…
“Go away or I’ll call the Nation of Domination.”
“I’m on the Nation of Domination.”
“You ARE the Nation of Domination. Come in.”
See you guys next week. UNLESS I’M ON A BUS.